I got my son to come on here a long time ago. He participated for a few days and left. I didn’t like it back then too much. But you do anything g for your children right? He so good at addiction counseling and didn’t have a job. And at the time I thought it would be a good idea. Anyway this is definitely my safe place. There’s probably tons of other sober apps our spouses can use.
I actually hid this app from my wife the first 2 weeks. Then of course that’s just like trying to hide my drinking. When I came clean about using the app and admitting I needed help it was very freeing.
I’m sorry your husband doesn’t approve of the amount of time you spend here. Sometimes my wife doesn’t either. But she’s rage warring on Twitter all day or playing her word games so she can’t really complain.
I’m grateful I checked in at the gratitude thread after lunch. It was such a nice first half of the day with my husband.
Now it’s evening and I wondered where he was, sayed he drove to run some erands and disappeared. Entered the door completely drunk a couple of hours later. Fell into bed and snarled at me when I asked where he was. In the cellar! Obvously drinking. I’m so pissed that he never manages that we have just a nice day together.
I’m sorry. That sucks.
We had a really nice dinner last night. She had 1 cocktail. And I knew what the rest of the evening was gonna be like. After the cocktail she had wine of course. Then home asleep on the couch. But at least she did her chores and helped me walk the dogs. And we’re having a good day so far today. So I am grateful we are good in this moment.
But it does suck big time.
I’m thinking about this sleep-on-the-couch pattern. I know that too well from my husband. Countless nights I switched off the TV either because it annoyed me beyond death (I need silence to sleep) or I went to the bathroom and saw this fucking TV still was on and my husband was snorring
I could never sleep with TV on. I rarely fall asleep on the couch when reading.
What is it about to fall asleep drunken on the sofa whilst TV is still on???
I woke up thinking about my aunt this morning. I know it’s time to put a boundary up.
She arrived already drunk to our Christmas Eve gathering and promptly got into an argument with her 83 year old father. I greeted her with love and open arms on this night even though the last time I saw her months back she arrived drunk to my house and promptly got into a fight with my cousin who was in town from FL. I was upstairs watching the kids when all of this went down but received 20+ angry texts from her about how I should have “had her back” and checked on her. When I mentioned how wrong I thought this was I received a very empty “I’m sorry” and we didn’t speak again until Christmas Eve.
On Christmas Eve my other aunt who was having the party told her she would have to leave if she couldn’t stop fighting. She continued to call her father a piece of shit under her breath until I said listen, we can all hear you, we’re trying to enjoy Christmas as a family, please stop! And she stormed out.
Her behavior hurts me to be around. I feel my heart rate increase when she is in the room. My anxiety is up for days after seeing her. My heart feels stomped on and broken. I love her so incredibly much, I am worried for her, I am afraid. It is so painful to witness her misery and anger.
Its tough to deal with those kind of situations with our loved ones, my heart goes out to you, have to understand we can only do so much to try and get them the help they need to stop drinking.
That sounds anxiety and frustration inducing for sure and just not fun to be around. Setting up boundaries around get togethers sounds like an important thing for the whole family. Your statement about enjoying the holiday is a solid boundary. Her choice to leave rather than reel herself in.
Having sometimes been ‘that aunt’ for decades at family gatherings…including a funeral one time (oof that is a lot of shame there), I imagine your aunt may have a lot of feelings of shame, disappointment, etc in herself. It is a lonely and painful place we live in when we have a drinking problem.
So, had a great time yesterday. Very happy. Just figured out how I’m feeling this morning. It’s strange to have to “figure out,” how I’m feeling. I knew it was not anger. I knew it wasn’t resentment. And I been working so hard on myself that it just can’t be those 2 feelings. Well it just hit me. It’s sadness. Just plain old good Ol, sadness. If that makes sense.
After a happy day and a great evening celebrating my 2 year with my daughter and SIL and of course the wife I’m sad this morning. Everything went great and still I’m sad. Wifey didn’t drink all day until dinner. She knew she had to behave at dinner. She’s afraid our daughter doesn’t want to see her. When I say behave. I just mean stay awake. She did have 3 glasses of wine at dinner. The kids had some drinks. Barely any. They don’t have a problem having one and stopping. Wifey and I had a great time after, watching music videos from the 80’s. She probably had another bottle of wine. I don’t know or care. Just a guess. It doesn’t matter. It brought back such fun memories watching those music videos. It got pretty late. Almost midnight. That’s late for us. I went upstairs as usual and she nods out on the couch. I leave her there. I quit trying to get her to get to bed years ago. I just shut off the tv finish the cat chores and go to bed. Alone. No big deal. It’s my very predictable life. My wife and I had a really fun time all the rest of the day. Going to the deli. Laughing together at the Walgreens because when we got there the pharmacy was on lunch break and we couldn’t get our meds. .
I guess what I’m saying is, I figured out I’m just sad. And being sad is ok. I use to be very resentful. Angry. I don’t like those feelings. To me they are negative. And they’ve always been hard for me to let go of negative feelings. It took me awhile this morning, which I think sounds stupid. I know it’s not. But I just feel sad. Sad for her. And that’s ok that I feel this way.
I’ll tell ya though. I really enjoy my alone time. When I hear her moving or waking up upstairs I’m like kind of a little sad again that my alone, quiet time is over. And that makes me feel sad too. Even if by chance she does come up to sleep at night I feel it interrupts my nice alone time.
“Oh well, what the hell.” Love you Dad for saying that over and over again when you had Alzheimer’s. You were so cute and funny your last few years. You gave us some lovely memories. And quite a few laughs. Oh well what the hell Dad,
So I read this, this morning. It’s just one of those things that I know, but do I put it into practice? That’s why I keep reading my devotionals and
Al-Anon literature over and over and over again.
Step one tells me that I am powerless over intimacy and my life is unmanageable. I have given up trying to figure out what I can do to change things. If I could do that I wouldn’t need Al-anon. I now have only to turn this hurt over to my higher power whom I chose to call God. I asked for his guidance and place my relationship in his hands. Intimacy In An Alcoholic Relationship
Thanks Callie. You made my thread easy easy to find this morning I didn’t have to search all my book marks @Callie99
I’ve been thinking about this situation a lot. I am still very unsure of what boundaries to make here. I keep coming to the thought of just not seeing her anymore but I’m realizing how complicated this is as a family.
I was not going to invite her into my home after the drunken fight she started here back in October. At least that I can choose, control. When my other aunt invited us all for Xmas Eve, I was worried about seeing her. Her girlfriend (who also harassed me via text during the fight at my house) showed up at my house a week before the Xmas party wanting to clear the air.
To own my part in this, I did not say all the things that were bothering me during this unplanned confrontation. I just told her that I wasn’t okay with their behavior the month before but that I would like to move on. I told her that the holidays are particularly difficult for me being back in Mass and being surrounded by all the memories of my mom. I told her that I wanted to have a peaceful, calm, Christmas Eve enjoying the company of my family. She agreed and I asked her to leave.
And then Christmas Eve happened.
I am worried that setting boundaries will mean I don’t see my family anymore. I suppose a good place to start would be having a conversation with them about their thoughts. No alcohol at gatherings is not an option, we have already had that conversation. My grandfather is 85 years old, I don’t want to miss the last family time I have with him.
@SassyRocks , I didn’t mean for this whole response to be directed at you. You said I’m glad you are setting boundaries and I thought, I am not setting boundaries, because I honestly don’t know how here. The sick pattern we are all in is one or all of us will take some time off from seeing her - 6 months, a year, and then this starts again. But nothing changes if nothing changes so, here I am trying to change.
It’s always good to learn about new tools.
And clear my mind of the destructive murderous weapons that are so easy to pick up. Because those clearly aren’t working.
I have been taught in the last two years when something comes up that is not serving me or the people around me well to see what spiritual principle I can apply to it instead. Here is the list I use, maybe having a visual somewhere handy could be useful to you as well.
Thanks so much! I am an addict myself so it’s been hard trying to support my boyfriend and family members in their addictions. I’m learning I have to heal and help myself first to be strong for them🙏
Hi Dazercat,
Pardon my ignorance, but I’ve just had a big search through the Al Anon site you have suggested, but I’m not sure how to join a group or how to get started? I’m sure I’ve missed something right in front of my face….
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