I’ve been following this thread and have so many thoughts…not sure what to share yet but I’ll get there. I just wanted to express my gratitude for all the shares here. It really does help to feel less alone.
I guess the big thing for me is that my partner is doing Dry January and I’m dreading the end of it, ironically the last day of January is also my birthday so my feelings are all over the place. My husband said today that he is starting to really think about what the next thing is for him, he even acknowledged that abstinence is “easier” than moderation in some ways (his words) but that he wants to find a healthy balance for himself. I don’t know whether to say anything or express my feelings or opinions on the matter so for now I’m just here to listen. I guess I could ask him if he wants any input. Not sure. Any thoughts you all have are welcome.
Last night was a nightmare that I knew was going to come at some point. Wasn’t sure how or what his rock bottom would be…and who knows this may not be it…but I knew something was coming. Hes been spiraling fast for the last couple of months.
Anyway he went to a football game by himself last night. The stadium is about an hour and a half away from us. I knew it was a horrible idea but im trying to take a step back because I’m sick of being called controlling and domineering. Being picked at for deciding to get sober and wishing he would do the same. So I said whatever fuck it go do it have fun whatever. Ya know.
The game ended about 1040 and I hadn’t heard from him but I didn’t want to distract him while he was driving so I ended up just going to sleep. Around 238 am my phone wss ringing and I looked next to me and saw he wasn’t there and my heart dropped to my stomach. I answered snd it was him begging me for help because he ran out of gas on the highway somewhere between here and the stadium but he had no clue where he was exactly. I called his mom to come sit with our kids so I could go find him.
Apparently he lost his phone after the game in the car somewhere…then got lost coming home. Got pulled over and somehow didn’t get a DUI, which is honestly what he needs by this point, but got a 300 dollar speeding ticket. Then j giess he ran out of gas eventually. Finally found his phone while he was stopped on the highway.
I found him and I didn’t handle the situation well. Definitely said things I shouldn’t of- but 6 years ago he disappeared doing some dumb drunk shit too. I knew when he left yesterday that something was going to happen. He swears this was eye opening and finally took a naltraxone today, but im just weary because I know how quick he can go right back to it.
I told him divorce is inevitable if he keeps drinking though. This is mentally breaking me dealing with this.
I just needed to vent somewhere. Its been heavy on my mind all day and I’m really thinking how I need to navigate through all this. Its just so exhausting.
Dear @RosaCanDo, may I ask what it is you dread when January is over respectively how you feel about your birthday?
Are you comfortable with your husband not drinking? How do you feel about this experience? What will afflict you when he starts consuming alcohol again (I remember he is a normal alcohol consumer without addiction, is that right?)?
Are you worried about something in particular? What do you like/enjoy most in being sober together? Are there things you would like to keep?
For me the things I like most when my husband is not drinking is his thoughtfulness, he is calm and speaks more / talks about rich topics, we get along a lot better and treat us with more love and attention.
I tell him this from time to time and sometime. I think he appreciates it
Thinking of you and wish you well
Hi everyone.
I have posted on here before about struggling with sobriety while my boyfriend is an alcoholic. I’m almost 2 months sober, and I made the rule that we don’t catch up when he’s been drinking. That plus his obsession with the cricket has meant I’ve only seen him a handful of times over the last 7 weeks, and I’ve got quite used to my own company and the whole bed to myself!!!
Anyway, Sunday afternoon I dropped around to see him as I was passing, I knew he’d be watching the cricket. He’s supposed to be doing dry July but has been drinking still, more than I care to know.
I found him on the couch as expected. I needed him to have a look at my car for an insurance claim I’m putting in, and when he stood up he was stumbling all over the place, swaying and almost fell down the stairs. He couldn’t talk properly, just garbage.
I led him back to the couch so he was safe and has to keep reminding myself not to be angry, but remember that this is a disease.
I tell you what, that might have been the best thing that happened to me. It concreted all of the reasons I want to be sober, and I NEVER want to be like he was, ever again!!!
I went home and hugged my children and apologised to them for the times I’d let them down being drunk. Everything just clicked into place for me. I don’t want to be that person. It was embarrassing.
Today I had a really off day and had some very negative emotions, but I never thought of alcohol as an option. I had a lie down and woke feeling a bit better and made a delicious dinner.
I am so proud of myself tonight
Would you consider joining an online meeting in the meantime? There are a couple links embedded in that page I linked to you, the text in blue, I believe. One for online meetings.
Thanks again for your thoughtful questions @erntedank. I am glad I posted because you helped me ask myself some things and it came at just the right time as I have had some really productive conversations with my partner. I think he and we are on a good track. I know you and probably others have read some of my posts about this elsewhere.
What I dread about when January is over - that he will travel down that slippery slope of drinking more and more regularly and we’ll lose some of what we have achieved in our reconnecting while he has been sober. I think that I brought my birthday up because I’m thinking “we’re too old for this shit,” lol and because I have been contemplative as I usually am around my birthday (it’s my personal new year) about what I want this year to look like for myself. It’s not just myself, it’s me in a partnership.
After he drank a lot over the holidays, I started to see that I might have excused his past drinking patterns as “normal” when there were more red flags and I was purposefully not looking closely at it, in denial that he has more of a problem than I wanted to acknowledge. Now that he has admitted as much to me, and that he wants to seek a balance and put some limits on himself, it is hard for me not see this as just another red flag, a reminder of how I used to try to moderate and fail miserably every time.
However, he has never been as chronically bad about drinking as I got. I suppose I want to make sure he never gets to that point. Then my mind goes straight to how I’m verging on codependency and also feeling like I have any control of him and his behavior. I believe that the talking we are doing about drinking is helping my thought process tremendously, and he says that he sees me as a resource and support for him, a motivator also to achieve his goals. I am starting to believe he really can find a balance that includes drinking moderately, but I don’t think I will ever not have this voice in the back of my mind like a little alarm that is paying attention to his drinking. This feels like a burden. So that’s where I am and I know I have a lot of processing and learning to do.
When he says he only wants to drink on Fridays and Saturdays, for example, my mind goes straight to him drinking to excess every Friday night and most of Saturday and passing out early, and that is not necessarily what will happen. I am projecting my own ideas on to him based on my past behaviors, and that’s not fair to him. He certainly has behaved this way before, but it was rare.
I love that you included this at the end of your reply! I try to do similarly, but will try harder to do it more often! Thank you again, friend.
Why does it always seem like things are going well. You’re happy. And then you even find Hope. And FUCKING BAM!!! Stick it up your ass Eric!
I don’t know.
I’m ok.
Just usual nice family night out and I’m kicking my wife’s chair at the restaurant to make sure she doesn’t nod off. Then the denial comes by and thinks. Maybe she’s not nodding off. Maybe it’s not that bad. Fuck of denial. Kick the chair again. Then she says why you kicking my chair. Denial comes back but doesn’t answer. And now I don’t know how to act. I’m not angry. I’m not sad. I got nothing. Maybe that’s a good thing? How about fear? Maybe I’m afraid my daughter will see her nodding off. Not much I can do about it. I don’t know if my daughter even noticed. That’s not my problem. That’s her problem. Poor kid. She’s all grown up she can handle this. Maybe she wasn’t that bad. I told you to fuck off Denial. I know when someone is nodding off at a dinner table.
Drive home I put my music on. And we’re quiet.
I have that lovely habit of withdrawing, in this situation. I mean you can’t talk to someone who’s had too much to drink. But it seems like I’m giving her the silent treatment. Does she even notice? Probably not. Only when a bad song comes on or someone is driving like an asshole. Better her yelling at them than me.
I’ll choose the long silent ride home.
Now where home I got all my pet chores done and leftover dishes from the day. Just odds and ends and pets stuff. I can sit and relax and she can do her pet chores when she gets to them. I’m not going to get angry. No resentment. Mr. Resentment doesn’t live here anymore. He’s not once helped me out in this situation. I can log it on my TS thread, and sharing will make me feel better.
One silent city block dog walk. I’m not going alone. She’ll come too. She can still walk. It’s not that bad.
I got a nice tune in my head. And Benson is doing his thing. I’m good. Nothing new here. It’s been awhile. But nothing new.
I can’t wait to get back home. I can’t wait for her to just pass out on the couch with a fresh glass of wine she won’t drink. And that way she’ll leave me alone. And I won’t say anything stupid that will get us into a fight. And I can be on TS enjoying myself.
I made it. It’s all good. This shit just happens sometimes. It’s been awhile. It’s almost always family gatherings though. But I’m good. I can come on here and share. I’m not alone.
The worse part for me is when I feel like I’m “walking on egg shells”. I could talk and some little thing I say might piss her off. Especially if it’s snarky. But I don’t feel like being nice. But look what she’s doing to ME. She’s doing it to herself Eric. Don’t take it so personal. It’s a fucking disease. You were part of this disease. Remember? It wasn’t that long ago. It was just you were both wasted then. At least I’m not wasted now. That’s a good thing.
But Hope. You fucked me over today. I never wanted you. I fell for you. You suck Hope. Fuck you!
There, feel better now? You bet your ass I do. I got a very loud purring cat on my chest. I got a snoring dog on the floor. I’m clean and I got the whole bed to myself. I won’t wake up on the couch in the middle of the night. I fucking met Wolfgang Puck in his restaurant. Fucken ay. I got to see my little girl.
I had a wonderful veal chop.
And……Oh ya. And I’m fucking sober! And I won’t be hungover in the morning.
Good night Hope.
And Fuck you.
Dear @Dazercat Dear @RosaCanDo
Thank you both for your powerful posts Today I find a lot for me in both of them and I’m grateful for it!
My husband and I felt deeply attached to each other today. We attended the funeral of our late friend. We both cried. He had emotional and caring moments with the sons. We held hands during the whole ceremony (he normally is the don’t touch me type). I could feel my deep love for him. I want to remember this when the next bääähh situation comes around and is annoying
Now he watches TV and drinks beer. Today I can cope with it. I’m tired and will be asleep soon. I would love to join him to watch together but I’m just to tired and my head aches a bit. Tomorrow is another day
Wow, what a rollercoaster of a bday meal and afters - this on top of getting ready to move is so much. Sending you so much love and wishes for a smooth transition. Hopefully a return to some peace and quiet at home in Flag will be a respite for you, and maybe a reset for you both.
You’re no advice support is just what I needed last night. I just wanted to be heard. It’s been really hard living with a spouse that drinks all the time. But you know what? It’s getting easier. And I never want to join her in her drinking. Ya sometimes I say fuck it. I’m tired of working on myself. Y’all know that whining song and dance. But I’m seeing it all pay off. We never talked about last night. But I didn’t care. What good would it have done. And ya think she might get a little defensive? Maybe. I had a pretty great birthday day. And I got Happy Feet from my 30 minute reflexology massage. My feet are walking on clouds. We just got back from dinner and I’m happy she’s sleeping it off on the couch. Ya again. Until we have to walk the dogs. In the old days on my last night here I would have been having cocktails too. Fuck we’d be staggering around with the dogs in the middle of the night But all of a sudden now I’m not drinking. And it doesn’t look like I’m missing anything. Im enjoying my sobriety.
We’ll see what tomorrow brings. Next week. A month. I might just let a sliver of Hope stop in again. But resentment and anger. I got no use for ya.
Love you guys. Thanks for your continued love and support. And to anyone else reading my shit show.
If I focus on her drinking. I’m not focusing on my recovery.
Nice to see you on here Rosa. I haven’t read any of your post yet. But I will when I get settled back home next week.
It really does help to feel less alone.
Lots to think about and I’ll get back with some reflections soon.
we have to walk the dogs. In the old days on my last night here I would have been having cocktails too. Fuck we’d be staggering around with the dogs in the middle of the night 
But all of a sudden now I’m not drinking. And it doesn’t look like I’m missing anything. Im enjoying my sobriety.
Happy feet are worth it, glad to hear you had a wonderful day.