Hubbys smoking more and more pot. Im trying to let it go but it upsets me. Hes stupider. He doesnt have the money for it. I dont like it but i cant control it. Grrrr
14 Likes
Sorry to read this CJ 
I know it can be very upsetting.
Lots of double winners at my meetings. Just saying. I had no idea. That really sucks.
8 Likes
I basically have 2 addictions.
I’m addicted to MORE
And the other one is
I’m addicted to Finding FAULT
But I can recover.
I am recovering 
8 Likes
I think the hardest part about being an addict or being in love with an addict is the loneliness. This has been a rough weekend for me mentally. Its the first weekend after my Mom’s funeral and I spent yesterday crying. My husband was at work.
Today is our day off together. I had some crazy energy and got 6 house projects done, made a 5 1/2 hour crazy 7 (or more) step cake, a noodle dish and mashed potatoes from scratch. Maybe I’m avoiding him. Maybe he’s avoiding me. He’s seen me through lots of depressive episodes. Maybe he’s cheating. He just texted me to tell me he’s going to a second bar.
He’ll come home, we’ll remake the bed with clean sheets and go to sleep. I think I became an addict to avoid actual intimacy and I think I am still doing that, both by marrying an addict and keeping myself at arms length to everyone in my life. I didn’t tell my husband I wanted him to stay home tonight, probably because I didn’t want him to. Sad is easier alone.
Hard weekend just points to where I need to put the work. Step one, feel all this stuff. My emotions are demanding to be felt. 🩷
19 Likes
Hugs for you, for the hurts, the feels, the emotions, the step …
Glad you’re writing about this and sharing it. You’re cared for.
5 Likes
Hugs my friend I do know about the isolation and wanting to go through sadness alone but that is just our addict trying to get a leg up. We tend to dig our holes deeper alone. I am hoping you are able to let more people in and help you through the rough times.
Sorry your husband was not able to be that emotional crutch that you obviously needed. Glad you were able to make such a delicious comforting feast for yourself.
I know its not the same but feel free to reach out anytime you need to connect. It is a great step to feel all the feels and process them but do know that you don’t have to do it by yourself. You are not alone my friend. Sending love and hugs your way.
7 Likes
Hey Bird. How you doing?
Saw your note this morning. Didn’t have time then but wanted to respond. Now I lost my thoughts. But I do understand the loneliness of being married to an alcoholic. Cuz you’re not actually alone physically but mentally it feels very lonely. I’m doing much better in that department these days. Gosh it took me forever to get over that. The loneliness still creeps in once and awhile. But I’m out there living my life now and it’s beginning to feel good. Wifey still stuck in her ways but I’m out there. Seems to be working.
I know you know I’m all Al-Anon. I’m not going to force any of that on ya. But 
This here is a pretty good book. And what I like about it is it’s basically all stories. It might be something you’d want to look at. I don’t know.
I hope it’s been a better day for ya.
Love ya sober cat friend.
Oh how’s the acne?
11 Likes
Thanks @JazzyS. I’m so glad I found this place and I’m grateful for the invite to chat. Today was better. My Mom grief/anger got ahead of my relationship this weekend. The weekend was tough and I did isolate. I know better but I wanted to feel my sadness, to really hurt myself and that absolutely was my addict talking.
@Dazercat the acne is clearing. I’ve been trading out their food and water bowls more often and found a cat safe face wash in their cat cupboard which Water runs from when he sees so its pretty sparsely applied. But its improving.
As for the relationship who knows. I should put a recovery book next up on my reading list for a brush up and maybe I’ll try an Al-Anon. I also want to listen to Codependent No More again.
I think as I fight my addictions my husband gets lost in the shuffle. Relationships are tough enough but two addicts gets very messy. I can only fix myself though so I will keep trying to do that as I honor my grief and try to feel my feels.
Thanks for the space as always all. Its so affirming to write out struggles and realize others experience them too. Love you guys. 🩷
12 Likes
Thank you @Alisa. I saw this when I was sunk down in the mire so I didn’t respond but thank you for this. I feel cared for.
6 Likes
I know I’ve had slip ups. Probably on the daily. But I have been going to Al-Anon for 2 and a half years to keep my spiritual tank full. And I’m proud of that shit!
Changed attitudes aid recovery
11 Likes
As you should be!!! Great work on your recovery my friend 
3 Likes
Hey @StacyAnn
I didn’t want to Hi Jack Marry’s thread.
Ya. We are making it.
But not everyone does.
My story is….we been married 41 years. I only quit drinking almost 5 years ago. We’ve had a great life together. She’s my wife. For better or worse. Both our children are recovering addicts. Her family is full of alcoholics. All dead now. You kind of think she’d know better. But it’s a disease. I wouldn’t leave her if she had cancer or MS or diabetes etc……
but that’s my story.
Everyone has a different story. But we all have one thing in common. We love an alcoholic.
She hit rock bottom again after the election. She hasn’t had a drink since……. I can’t remember. And that right there is a beautiful thing. She doesn’t work a program. And that is none of my business. I’ve invited her to AA and Al-Anon meetings. She knows I go. And the rest is up to her. I got to give her the dignity to make her own decisions and let it be. It’s taken my years to detach with love 
She didn’t drink yesterday. And I hope she doesn’t drink today. But either way I’ll be ok. Because I have support.
Here’s another tip that helped me early on in Al-Anon
WAIT
Why
Am
I
Talking
My good friend in Al-Anon had a little bracelet with the letters WAIT on it.
It’s a great reminder if you ever find yourself talking, arguing, or trying to reason, with your loved one if they been drinking. Don’t do it.
I’m always around if you got any questions. I try to be an open book.
9 Likes
Thanks for creating this separate thread, from Mary’s, I’m still learning this platform. I definitely think I need a bracelet like that “WAIT” is a great acronym. Might have to have one made up, cuz lord knows I have an issue keeping my mouth shut.
Congratulations on 41 years, we’re 2 years in. Acquaintances for decades. Just the negativity he’s airing, is almost too much. I’m a relatively happy person, and trying not to live in the negative, or let one bad thing ruined an entire day cuz I drag it out, him on the other hand fixates on things, yet no action to change the shit that’s making him angry or upset. Idk I guess that’s a him problem, not a me problem.
5 Likes
One last tip for today.
When I focus on her drinking. I’m not focusing on my sobriety.”
3 Likes
My alcoholic is also very negative. He can make a bloody mountain out of the vacuum cleaner cord falling off the vacuum cleaner. 3 words… noise cancelling Airpods. I pop them in, put on a sober podcast or some music and POOF! His voice disappears. I just don’t engage. I can and do smile at him sympathetically and then wander off upstairs to read or do something else. I know he is not bothered by me not being around as much because I know when I drank, all I cared about was drinking and would not have noticed if someone was distancing themselves from me.
Lucky for me, he doesn’t like to talk while watching TV so we can sit comfortably together in the evening if he is not at work and get along. I am noticing his pattern though, he is a bit grumpy in the morning, a bit shaky etc. He gets very negative toward lunchtime but then goes off to work. When he gets home its late and he heads straight to the kitchen to drink and I watch TV in the living room. When he doesnt have work, we usually have a lovely couple of hours after his first drink and I enjoy that and then move on with my own plans for the evening while he watches TV.
Once I figured out his pattern it has made it so much easier to get along and not be brought down by his negativity or drinking. I go out on my own now and really enjoy it. I am no longer concerned about what people think about him not showing up. I get it though, while I was drinking, I prefered to stay at home alone where I could get hammered and pass out.
I love him and would never leave him but I have my own life within our shared life and I am grateful for the time slots we get to be comfortable and happy together. On the flip side, he does also make me laugh every day. He is never mean or horrible to me and he works so hard, at work and at home. There is plenty to love about him.
Feel free to vent as you need. We get it.
10 Likes
Thank you for this. Its very true for my situation as well.
6 Likes