Thank you Mitch, I really appreciate it. 
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Welcome aboard. Sorry you are dealing with this right now but I am glad you are talking it out to deal with it.
I’m an alcoholic married to a drinker. We met as party friends and I got sober 6 years into our marriage. It really does change the whole relationship dynamic. My sobriety is the most important thing for me. I love my husband, he is the one who encouraged me to look at my consumption once my drinking reached the really scary black out levels.
He drinks less now that I’m sober and almost never to excess around me. When he comes home and has over served himself, I go to bed early. We fought a lot about this in the beginning. I like to explain it like showing up to the party late. I no longer have the choice to “catch up” to his drunken level so I remove myself.
It is tough sometimes and if I were to re-pick a partner at this stage in my life I would choose a non-drinker. But I do love my husband. He’s my best friend and my healthiest relationship to date.
Our rules: I don’t label him as an alcoholic. To me that was such a helpful step in my recovery to admit my alcoholism that I don’t toss that label at others. His drinking is his business. Will I obsess about him dying from an alcohol related illness, yep. Still his issue. My sobriety is my issue.
Intimacy is fucked (sorry intentional swear unintentional pun) for a while. That is okay. Approach it with kindness and patience for yourself and accept the changes.
If alcohol is involved I’m in the drivers seat. If we are somewhere and I feel uncomfortable around the level of drinking I/we leave. Not in 20 minutes, not after another beer for him, as soon as I’m ready. Pay tabs, walk.
#1 rule. You are responsible for your sobriety. Don’t let his consumption influence you, if anything let his drinking discourage you. Everything gets better in life when an alcoholic gets sober. You deserve to give yourself that gift.
It can be done and you will need to embrace a lot of honest uncomfortable conversations in the beginning. If the relationship is worth it, you’ll keep working at it.
Wowza! Sorry for the epic novel but thanks for the space.
Again welcome and congrats on your sober days. It really does keep getting better.
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This is pure gold @TrustyBird 
Welcome @RR160416 
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Thank ya kindly friend. 
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This is so incredibly helpful. Thank you so much for sharing this.
I never have called him an alcoholic nor would I ever label him or other people one. You are right, their drinking is their business. This is my journey and I don’t project onto others.
There has been a couple times in the last few weeks that I had really long days at work, came home and found that he had worked from home and was drinking. I just wanted to decompress and talk but it’s hard when he is altered. Those are the moments where I get frustrated. I try to let him be himself but I know he knows I am upset.
He is my biggest supporter in my sobriety and also was the one that pointed things out to me. Hardest conversation for me to hear but it was needed.
Love the rules you have set in place. We have similar ones, #1 being if he drinks I drive. I like the one, when you want to leave you leave.
I really appreciate your reply and it’s nice to hear that things get easier but will take time and work. I know relationships aren’t perfect but he is my favorite person, even when he frustrates me I still want to be around him.
Really nice to know I am not alone, I don’t have many people I can talk to about this. Thank you again.
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Just sharing a few thoughts that I need to get off my chest.
I just hit 2 years sober. My husband is a heavy drinker. About 2 months ago I told him I was worried about drinking on our upcoming trip and that my 2 years sobriety was the day we got back.
He drank a lot during our trip. He was drunk by 5pm the last day. I mentioned we could tell he was drunk and he got mad/sad. I ended up apologizing to him to try and mellow things out since we’re on a family vacation. But the “mood” was ruined.
Anyway, it’s been over a week and he’s said nothing about me making it through the trip sober or hitting my 2 year mark.
So, I’m hurt because I confided my struggle before the trip. Got no support on the trip. Got no acknowledgement that I succeeded. He’s my husband and my only confidante about this.
We have young kids and I don’t talk about my recovery around them or with others. They just know I don’t drink anymore.
I told him how I felt last night and it ended up in an argument. He wishes I would drink with him, so it’s a bittersweet accomplishment that I’m sober.
I’m just venting here because I know you will understand.
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The problem of loosing his drinking buddy.
It is HIS problem.
You have to focus on yourself and abstain from seeking support from people who have their own active addiction and want you to join them. Get support where people understand addiction. Go to meetings, online is always available.
Sending hugs and kindness 
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Thanks. You’re right and I needed to hear this.
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Oooh! I forgot one. He shouldn’t buy your brands. We drank very different drinks in our drinking days so my husband knows not to bring my brands into our fridge. It would look like sabotage and even 4 years sober I would probably have a hard time pouring them out.
Glad you felt heard. Keep talking. It helps.
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Lets make up for it for you:
Congrats on 2 years that is a huge effort! I’m proud of you for showing up for yourself (and your kids and your marriage and your life) soberly for two whole years.
Keep modeling excellent sobriety. He will come around or he won’t. But you’ll still be sober.
You rock. 
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Love that one as well! 
Thankfully we never were into the same drink of choice, so that hasn’t been an issue or trigger for me. He also keeps everything in our garage fridge which is out of sight out of mind for me.
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Perfect! I would know my husband was planning sabotage if he started bringing red wine or whiskey into our place. They are no nos.
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Congratulations 
on two years! That is a huge accomplishment and you should be proud of yourself!
I have struggled with this also. Only a few people know my sober date and usually it’s me telling my boyfriend, family or friends “hey I hit x months today!” I notice some are like “cool” while others that have seen my journey are proud. We all want someone to say “great job!” But I keep reminding myself that I am doing this for me and no one else (I don’t have kids). Yes, to better my relationships but it’s really because I know I am better sober and at 43 I got sick of the cycle I was on, plus drunk me scares the living sh*t out of me.
First time I tried getting sober I didn’t use an app or join meetings and I will say this time around adding in the community of others going through the same thing has helped. Receiving a congratulations from others going through it means a lot to me.
I often wonder if by us getting sober it makes others in our lives uncomfortable or look at themselves and maybe that’s why we don’t always get the support from them we long for.
Thanks for sharing and so sorry you are going through all that. It’s not easy.
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Thats a tough one. Huge congrats on 2 years free and making it thru vacation sober!!! You are a badass for that. It sucks he wasnt supportive or remembered your day. No words. I have no advice but glad you shared. We get it!
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Way to go Vanessa!!!
Congratulations on your 2 year soberversary.
That is right around the time I got back into Al-Anon while my wife was still drinking daily and heavily. It helped me a lot. I happy to read your post about your sobriety. I know how much of a tough road that can be when the spouse drinks.
I’m so happy for you.
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Hey Steph.
Glad you found this thread. Sorry about the circumstances that bring you here. There’s a lot of my story on this thread if you want to read around.
When my life became unmanageable when my wife was drinking, I was about 2 years sober, I finally went to Al-Anon. It save my marriage and most importantly it save my life.
This was so ME!
And I started taking her drinking and getting drunk personally.
I found it hard to focus on myself when I wanted to share myself with my wife and do things with her. Like go to the beach. We have had a lot of fun together. I am now starting to have fun by myself. Going to the beach alone. And not worry about her and what she’s doing or thinking of me out having fun.
She’s not drinking now. And you know what. She still doesn’t like going to the beach. The drink had nothing to do with it. I use to think she rather stay home and drink. Whelp. News flash. That’s what alcoholics do. And it had nothing to do with me.
I heard in Al-Anon, change behaviors help aid recovery. Which I took to mean if I changed my behavior it would help her stop drinking. Another news flash. Nope! But my changed behaviors did help ME with MY recovery.
Some people don’t like to hear it. But…
“If I’m not the problem, then there’s no solution.”
I also love this podcast. It’s help me through a lot.
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Thank you for sharing this is really helpful.
The above really resonates with me and if I am being honest, last July when I decided to get sober, I really thought that my changed behavior would influence his behavior. You are right though, we can’t change anyone. They have to want to make the changes themselves.
Going to check out the podcast you added, thanks for sharing it. I have an hour commute to work, so always looking for new ones to listen to.
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Today’s Courage To Change
APRIL 19
Learning about alcoholism has helped me to find serenity after years of struggling. I see now that alcoholics have a disease: They are ill, not bad. By attending Al-Anon meetings on a regular basis, reading Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature (CAL), and sitting in on open AA meetings, I have gained some insight into what is and is not reasonable to expect when dealing with an alcoholic. I’ve learned that I have the ability to adjust my expectations so that I no longer set myself up for constant disappointment. For instance, I have stopped expecting a drinking alcoholic to keep every promise. This makes my life more manageable. The knowledge I gain in Al-Anon has dispersed many of my fears and made room for a newfound compassion. I see that I am not the only one with good ideas, valid criticisms, and noble motives.
Today’s Reminder Learning about the disease of alcoholism can help me become more realistic about a loved one’s illness—and thus to make better choices for myself.
“I have learned techniques for dealing with the alcoholic, so that I can develop a relationship with the person behind the disease.”
Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism
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Cherry picking from Courage To Change.
Such a great book. Every year in recovery I’ve had 2 or 3 or even 4 readers each morning. This year just one. Courage To Change. I’m really finding what I need in there.
APRIL 27
Self-esteem grows when I love and accept myself as I am. I block my own well-being each time I base my self-worth on what I do or what others think of me.
And I love this meme I found a few months ago.
“I am learning to live a full life, one in which I like and care for the person I am.
Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism
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