Wow! It is the first time that I will dare to talk about this topic. At the time I was born (1974), the DMS had already been published for 22 years. The evolution of this has been really interesting and above all much more precise in its definitions. But I’m not going to waste time talking about technicalities. I want to tell you what it’s like to experience an addiction being autism, sociopath and Addictions: It’s a real cocktail, like the ones I used when I used opioids.
Today, looking back, I can see how not being correctly diagnosed by a mental health professional since I was a child (and I can’t blame my parents and family) brought with it many problems in my life.
My autism was not visibly to the naked eye, I have always been functional (ironic, if you see it from addiction), with socialization problems, I always liked being alone, I paid little attention to others, I just wanted to be immersed in my world , with terrible attachments to schedule and order and eidetic memory (Blessing or curse);
My sociopathy, on the other hand, most of the time ignoring good and evil, hurting others just for pleasure, manipulating, lying and an ego that doesn’t fit anywhere, was always there, as mentioned in the Chapter of “The Doctor’s opinion”: “Restless, irritable and dissatisfied, until I lifted that first glass”, post-traumatic stress disorders, I could tell you that this is how I was born or was it the accumulation of the high level of emotional, physical and mental stress that I experienced within myself society and finally: my addiction, which today, just maybe, was my temporary lifeline, which covered up “everything” and in the end there would be consequences, many of them irremediable, even in sobriety.
Many years have passed (just for today), since I crossed the door that allowed me to free myself from drugs and alcohol, during all this time, I want to share with you that: I was widowed and lost a daughter on the same day, I became a father again and saw the birth to my son Leonardo (who also lives with ASD), I divorced my wife, I was homeless, I had money, jobs, I also lost them, I saw colleagues relapse and commit suicide, I also received many others who had the courage to live sober until today , travel, I have been blessed to be able to bring the message to those who have needed, I finished a degree: I am a Psychologist specializing in Addictions… in short, I cannot complain: at 50 years old I have experienced everything intensely. About my story: My addiction only lasted 9 years, I arrived at A.A. when I was 21. and N.A., and when I arrive, I want to confess that I didn’t want to stay. Who at 21 years old wants to stop feeling the pleasure of feeling heroin and cocaine run through their body? (that’s what I asked myself that September 29, 1995)
It is and has been very difficult, living diagnosed with so many disorders, fortunately I do not require medication for any of them, except at the beginning when I need methadone so as not to be left with the “wires stuck.” I want to tell you that the 12&12 program has saved my life, and of course I have needed both psychiatric and therapeutic support to address my sociopathy and my autism. At 50 years old I had to make a mindset and adjust many areas of my life that were and are affected by post-traumatic stress, but thanks to G-d, the program, my sponsor, my colleagues, my therapists, I am on my feet again. Of course, my son is also a very powerful engine to get ahead. I don’t deny that it scares me, afraid of not being able to move forward, but I have G-d on my side. Every day in the morning, which is when fear attacks me, I use the Serenity Prayer and end by saying: “G-d help me, stay with me.”
Finally: if you are wondering why I am telling you my story, it is because I want to tell you that not everything is resolved in the group, sponsorship or meetings. If you see that there is something that is not right and you keep repeating patterns that seem normal to you, but that are actually harming you and your environment and everyone has mentioned it to you and you don’t know what to do: ask a specialist for help. mental health. Do not be afraid. You’re not alone. G-d bless you. Carlos.