Inspired by bluekoolaid_88 (Trevor), I’m starting a thread that will just be me checking in and talking about whatever is on my mind. Anyone is free to post on here, though!
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Ok, where to start? I guess what I’m dealing with lately is just feeling like the world’s biggest loser, and like I wasted my life and nothing matters. Lol.
Basically, everything is fine. I have a job, a car, a place to live… a lot to be thankful for, compared to how desperate and horrible active addiction is. I’m not homeless, or dope sick, or selling my body, or in jail or anything like that, so i realize things could be a lot worse, considering some of the decisions I’ve made.
A few months ago, I had no car, and a few months before that, I had no job, no money, no references and no real job history or marketable skills.
Now I work in a Cafe in this really gorgeous public garden that people come from all over the world to visit. The people are nice and I have a 2019 Toyota, in great condition.
I live with my parents, who have a pretty nice house. I have my own room, and free room and board. There’s an access to a lake across the street where I can go paddle boarding. So that’s pretty awesome.
So, yeah, I try to maintain an attitude of gratitude, and I don’t want to complain, but….
I’m 41 and I live with my mom and wash dishes part-time. My mom’s also kind of nuts, but I can’t afford to move out and I don’t know if I ever will. I’ve tried going to school like 5 different times at this point. I think i might have ADD or asbergers or both. Definitely social anxiety and depression. I don’t have a partner, and don’t really have friends. I’ve never held down a job for much longer than a year.
I recently found out this Google data analytics certificate I’ve been working on for the past year might be useless, so that’s kind of a bummer.
Just feels like nothing i do ever works out for whatever reason, even when I’m clean. Maybe I’m neuro-divergeant, or mentally ill, or stupid, or i just have bad social skills, or maybe life’s just really hard for everybody and nobody gets what they want.
Anyway, i think I should just try to accept where I am and who I am, and stop putting so much pressure on myself. I think maybe I just have a lot of issues, and maybe for me just going to work and staying clean are huge accomplishments, and it’s OK to feel good about myself. Maybe I’m allowed to just exist and be happy, and i get to decide how much worth I have, and nobody else does.
Anybody feel me on that? Please share if you have an experience of learning to love/forgive yourself.
Hugs and kisses
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Oh my dear…. I felt this on every level (also 41, literally just moved away from my moms but I am sure that won’t last long as she is a bit special herself). I can say very simply what helped me…. Don’t compare yourself against the goal, only compare yourself to yesterday’s you. Small improvements over time make a huge difference. Our brains are wired to chase the goal, but what if we just stop chasing and start living? Just some food for thought.
Thank you for sharing your story. Light & Love friend 
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I relate to a lot of this!! I never finished school for the same reasons and I’m 37. I don’t think I can say it better than @CR84 she really nailed it with that response. But just wanted to say It sounds like you have accomplished a lot in the past few months! Keep working on you, every little bit counts. And yes, staying sober and clean is a great accomplishment. 
I have no answers just comradery, I’m still figuring it out too! I’m thinking of doing this course to work with kids with autism. My friend says it’s a 6 week course and pays well. Maybe there are some certifications like this one you would be interested in? I’m not sure about the google analytics certification but I do have a friend who works in marketing that got her certification from google and she makes good money. So could be worth something!
Let’s definitely exist and be happy though. 100% the goal! I’m going to bed with this mindset. Hugs to you!
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I feel ur post so much…
I felt like this alot in early recovery especially. Just in the sense of feeling like i should be alot further along at 40 years of age, than I was. At over 3.5 years clean and sober, i still am not where i want to be fully, but im much farther than i would be if I was still in active addiction. Recovery opens up SO many opportunities. Its truly amazing honestly, what we can do and accomplish when we are free of substances.
But I felt like i wasted my life for the longest time too (I sometimes still feel this way). For 22 years i used drugs, couldnt hold down a proper job so began working in the sex trade. Felt like i had nothing to show for my life. But at 40 years old now (and 41 for urself), we still have alot of time left to make a diff in our lives. Its never too late to start over. We must stop comparing ourselves to others and just focus on bettering ourselves each day. I also think too, i probably wouldnt be the person I am today, without having the experiences that Ive had. So for that Im grateful of my past in a strange sense lol
Anyway, i think its very normal to feel the way ur feeling. I think alot of us have similar thoughts. But the world opens up to us when we are clean and sober. The opportunities are endless, with what we can accomplish 
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Just checking in to say things are going great! I got my doctor to raise my antidepressants, and I’ve also been praying a lot. My doctor wants me to go back to therapy, and I guess it couldn’t hurt. In the past, it’s largely felt like a waste of time, but i did learn a couple of really useful things. I’m mostly going back to please my doctor, but it might help.
I’m also getting more hours, now that tourist season is back. For a while I was really bummed out because I was only washing dishes a couple days a week, and barely making any money, even though I live with my parents and don’t pay rent. But I’m remembering now that i made a ton of money last winter, like so much that i could probably move out and just save money in the winter to supplement my summer income, which I’m really good about so it shouldn’t be problem. The only reason I don’t have much money now is because I only started working in January, and then bought a car in the spring.
Anyway, I was pretty depressed for a while, but now I feel like things are going great. Maybe the lesson is that things just work out sometimes. Sometimes we feel like nothing will get better unless we can figure out a solution, and when there doesn’t seem to be one, we feel like nothing is going to change or get better. But good things often happen for no reason.
Or maybe it’s just the medication. Or God. Who’s to say? I do know i was much happier when faith was a bigger part of my life. Like with most things, the more effort I put into my faith, the better it gets. My doctor also invited me to her church. She’s pretty cool. I haven’t gone yet because I always work on Sundays, but they also have a Wednesday night thing i could check out.
There’s a pottery class I want to take at the at center, and I’m thinking of participating in that Big brother/ big sister organization. I doubt I’ll actually do it, but I really want to and I’m thinking about it. I’ve wanted to do it for a while, but my life was such a mess it didn’t really make sense. But I feel like I’m getting to a place where maybe it DOES make sense! The public gardens where I work have a really awesome playground, and I get in for free, and can bring guests, so I think it would be really fun to bring a kid there. And I think the program is really great. I mean, I think a lot of us didn’t get enough attention or guidance as kids, and I could maybe help change that for somebody.
Anyway I hope everybody is doing well, staying safe and taking care of yourselves.
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