Hello everyone. I first signed up to this platform nearly 6 months ago. The longest I did go without alcohol was 7 days. I do apologise if this sounds like a rant but I was wondering if anyone feels similarly or resonates with it?
I have now reached a point where I dont believe in my recovery anymore. I always used to be a very optimistic person- sure I had days where I felt down, even depressed but not to an extent where I felt like giving up.
The truth is, I have moved into a new apartment after going through a tough time last year and this year (a break up from someone I thought will be my life partner, losing a really well-paid job etc) and I fee like it is only getting worse. I would definitely describe myself as a highly-functioning alcoholic. My current job or flat or friendships do not suffer from my abuse.
I have put on weight as I dont have any motivation to go to the gym. I am surrounded by people who seemingly have it all - I am aware that impressions are usually not real etc - but it makes me painstakingly aware that I dont have the partner and kids I was dreaming of. My financial situation has also changed drastically so I am trying to find another job atm that will improve my situation.
My only companion is the booze- I turn to it alone - drinking alone in my apartment where no one can see me or judge me. I tried to quit so many times but when I get too stressed or down, I turn to wine.
Thank you for reading. I would be grateful if anyone could share if they ever felt similarly?
You donāt believe in your recovery because you havenāt really started it yet. Itās a bit like saying āI donāt believe in my gardenā before you start digging and planting.
Let me be clear: you can recover. It is 100% possible. You have to take action though, action that goes beyond just thinking about it; action that gets support and learning from others and then really digs into that learning, putting it into practice, one day at a time.
For me, reading and learning about my addiction, and joining a group, were transformative. Thereās a good list of resources here: Resources for our recovery
Hang out here on Talking Sober. This time in early recovery is all about you. Itās not about what you have or donāt have, itās not about living up to your expectations of where you (thought you) wanted to be in life. Itās about learning to have healthy acceptance of yourself, and what that means: who am I? What do I feel? What have I been through? What is my next constructive step?
Asking these questions (in consultation with people you can trust to help you, like in recovery groups or here on TS) is crucial to help you get your feet on the ground and stop spinning in addiction. Itās crucial to getting a handle on that āaddict voiceā that whispers in your ear, luring you to get numb instead of get healthy.
I agree with Matt, youve not been sober yet so how can you know what its like? Im 61 days and its really only now i feel i can attempt to advise others but on the big scale of sobriety im still on the tip of the icebergā¦i know the very early days of sobriety you are basically fighting with the physical withdrawal and until your out of that phase then you can begin to try and deal with the mental phase, it all takes time. Us alcoholics get used to the quick fix but sobriety takes time unfortunately but you can do it. You know alcohol is not your friend and never will be dont u? Once youve been sober for a while you will start to believe in recovery but right now your thoughts about recovery are being marred by your addiction making you think you cant do it, it lies, you absolutely can
I relate all too well man. I would habitually relapse giving up everything dear to my heart. Iād want to drink and use but I donāt want to drink and use. Addiction is beast and when all we know is to temporarily change the way we feel with the bottle, needle, ECT we do with what we know how to do even knowing how destructive it is. This last relapse I lost the motivation totally but the only thing that worked for me to get my ass back in track was to go to A.A./N.A. take the cotton out my ears put it in my mouth and listen. Also a big motivated is a recovery podcast I listen too called ārecovery radio kmp3ā the guy is amazing with 30+ years sober he keeps it so simple and powerful. A.A. and N.A. have 24/7 zoom meetings as well. Iām currently getting back on track I had a handful of things all going wrong yesterday and it all changed with one situation itās amazing what can happen in youāre life if you practice and apply the spiritual principles of recovery. Iām currently going to be jumping into step one soon so Iāll be posting my progress. I also think about what my sponsor told me while I was in active addiction. āGive me a call when you done sitting in youāre misery and want to do something about itā I love that man. Everyone is different but know you are not alone but there is another way to live it is possible if you want it. Iāll be rootin for you
Hello,
First of all, you can recover. But as @Matt has told: you have not started.
Give yourself a chance. Just do not drink, do not take the first ship. Go for a walk, try to look for a job, take a coffee in anywhere alcohol free, but get a plan for the day.
I used to misunderstand things: I mean, I think I was depressed so I went to the booze. I think I had misperceptions, so I went to the booze, I was angry, went to booze, and soā¦, but in my case it did not work this way. Alcohol was the origin of all:,depression, misunderstandings, useless life, and plenty of problems.
Try once, do not drink and you will forget all bad stuff that come with the booze.
In my case it works, even when I recover from relapses. Do not let you down. Do something, even this something is stupid or useless. The main point is not drink. I tell you because I also was a lonely drinker. Loneliness is another consequence of drinking.
Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and respond so thoughtfully.
You are all very right. I did forget to mention that I used to be tee total twice in my 36 years. Once for 2.5 years and then over a year. It didnt bother me whatsoever! Loved it really. The past year though has been a car crash. I have a therapist, I read all those books and listen to podcasts. I honestly think that I am too comfortable in this existence and I feel this is my ātreatā. I am not the kind of person who likes to wallow and sit in my own misery and complain and I feel that cos I dont really complain to my nearest and dearest, I am āallowedā to self-soothe in that way. it sounds insane but its true.
I also honestly believe I am surrounding myself with some people, that energetically are not on the same level as meā¦.as in- not empathetic or caring but very self-centred. But I am recognising this now and I will try xxxx
That is addiction in a nutshell. We romanticize poison and because we did it for so long, it actually seems, to us, like a ātreatā. That is false - it is literally poisonous, and it adds nothing to our lives (ask anyone whoās built a growing, healthy life in recovery - none of them want the addiction back; it steals from us and lies to us and leaves us exhausted and hopeless).
Sometimes we go through ādry drunkā periods where weāre not drinking or using (whatever our addiction is), but weāre not recovering, weāre not growing. Iāve had those too. Months and months of not using - but I wasnāt recovering. Looking back, I realize I was just coasting, not really challenging myself.
Itās when we challenge ourselves to grow, that we have to face our demons. Thatās where growth happens, thatās where recovery happens. Itās a process of making changes and seeking out guidance from other people, then taking action, then coming back to talk to the people again and get input. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Itās a lot like getting personal training at the gym except unlike paying for a trainer, recovery groups and places like Talking Sober are free!
Absolutely! I have felt that way more times that I care to count. It sounds like you just have to get over that hump. I donāt think you can really feel the benefits of quitting drinking for at least 10 days or maybe two weeks. Then the sleep gets better once the sleep gets better your overall mood and motivation will change. You can do it! I used to celebrate three days of sobriety with picking up a 15 pack. Now Iām coming up on six months and I canāt imagine why I want to live that way. Again, you can do it you just have to get over that huge hump
Something that you said that I can completely relate to more than others here is that: I, too, went they a breakup this year from a man that I thought would be my life partner. I drank everyday, all day because I didnāt accept this reality and didnāt want to be sober in it. Itās funny how things go because that was only in September but I convinced myself that heās not worth me drinking myself to death or an earlier grave! I mentally picked myself up by my boot straps and now in my 3rd week of sobriety- I sincerely have a natural high on life and tons more optimistic. I no longer mourn because I still have a whole lotta life to live!! If someone is destined to be for me then they would still be with me and not dare hurt me in the way I got hurt! Everything is okay. It really is a day at a time. I was a lonely drinker as well. It took time to figure out how to operate, especially on off days - but you can live without it for sure. Good luck to you! Remember to exercise as well- a day at a time with that too! Itās worth it!!
Have you tried joining a recovery group? Having that connection to people can make a huge difference. There are in person and online groups. This one was running 24 hours during the pandemic and hopefully it still is (I imagine it would be but I havenāt checked) - it is a womenās only group:
Thank you so much. I honestly dont recognise myself anymore. I never used to drink this much. I honestly feel powerless but I will try again. I hate the fact that not only am I destroying my body but I display weird behaviour when I am drunk. I would text me ex partner some really weird stuff and I wake up the next day ashamed. This needs to stop
I haventā¦i always wanted to try AA but I am worried that someone might recognise me in there. I know it sounds awful but I am actually ashamed telling people I am an alcoholic.
I will look into the ones you sent me. Thank you so much for checking in with meā¦.it came at the right time
Glad to help. The online ones are nice because theyāve often got people from all over the place; thereās many meetings where no one would recognize you.
