After getting a month sober, and then spending the majority of the last 30 days in a flurry of relapse, I reset my clock today. I’m not playing with my health or my life anymore. I went out after work last night and came home drunk and now my relationship is in jeopardy. He can’t deal with my chaos and I can’t expect him to… but I don’t know what to do other than make the best choices I can and hope taking care of myself will show him that things can get better. I know I shouldn’t agonize about what-ifs, we’re just in limbo right now so it’s anxiety inducing. I’m less anxious about tackling not drinking again, as I know it’s what I have to do. When I remember back to the month I spent sober not long ago, I don’t really know why I gave it up. I was finding positivity and hope and then I trashed that momentum with a quick decision. I feel vulnerable- 30 and still so lost. I’m always piling more guilt and doubt onto myself. I can continue to be apathetic and drown my pain, or I can try to replace the habits and find some damn purpose. Thanks for listening… needed to just share some of the raw feelings. Back at it.
Just take it day by day and stay strong ,the first few days even weeks can be tough trying to stay away from alcohol so if you feel the urge to drink just think of the hurt the bad times u went through from it and it will help u stay strong 
Welcome back! Something someone told me on my first day was “you don’t HAVE to drink today. You have to eat and breath and drink water to survive, but you don’t have to drink today”
I still tell myself those words almost daily when I wake up. I’m glad you came back pal!
Thank you!
Thanks much! Glad I’m back too 
I’m there with ya, 30 and I feel lost. I’m 12 days sober and almost ruining my engagement after a blackout night at her parents. Her family hates me now but I can’t change anything now, can only move forward and try harder today. I won’t drink with you tonight!
Thank you for embracing the courage to both come back and to share your story. You’ve helped me and I’m sure others just by posting here and letting us be part of this. Every time you come back you are closer to your goal. Stick with this and the clarity will come. I’m only a few years older than you and I know that lost feeling… Right when I think I’ve finally figured things out it tends to fade away or disappear in a flash. Remember most everyone is walking around in a haze of what-the-hell-am-I-doing, and there’s no real “figuring it out” to do. Wherever you go, there you are. Make the most of each moment as you live it, and you’ve come as close to being not-lost as anyone can really hope for. You’ve got this, you’ve got a strong spirit, that’s obvious. Best wishes.
Sending you support through life’s waves and hoping for the best. Won’t drink with you!
Thanks so much for your thoughtful response it makes me think and ease up on myself a bit. If the only thing I’ve figured out in life is that drinking isn’t good for me, I can keep moving towards feeling more whole without it each time I stay the course. I appreciate it!
You’re back! That’s the most important thing. 
️