I haven’t posted in awhile, mostly due to how FULL my life has been. I have one year and twenty two days clean off of all mood and mind altering substances. I have my career which I love, I am going on adventures with my son, I spend time with friends, I have SO much to be grateful for… yet something still feels off…
I am lonely. I still have that empty feeling and it is haunting me. Sometimes I just sit and feel like I am on the brink of tears that just won’t shed.
One year and twenty two days ago, I got clean and the man I loved with all my heart, the man who I thought I would have a family with and spend the rest of my life with, didn’t. My heart still misses him. I still hope I’ll see his name on my phone. I still flirt with the idea of going back to the streets to find him. I hate knowing he is still in the grip of his addiction and I just can’t let go. I keep waiting for the day he either gets clean or dies, so I can finally feel something different.
I feel so embarrassed to even talk about it with anyone. Why would I even consider cashing in all that I’ve gained this year for him or using? I don’t know how to move on…
When I read your story the word “mourning” popped up. I think you are mourning the loss of your friend and because he’s still alive and using it feels like a whole in your heart.
Maybe a talk with a proffessional could help you with this? It helped me a lot when I was stuck in my mourning process a year after the loss of my mom 19 years ago. I had a few sessions with a therapist and that got me going again.
Good that you vent about this, that helps a bit too isn’t it? And there’s nothing to be embarrassed for, I think we all understand you here!
I can’t even begin to tell you how strong you are for making that choice to walk away from the person you love in order to save yourself. It’s a very hard thing to do, but sometimes it’s all we can do I’m sorry I haven’t any advice on how to get thru these feelings. Just wanted to let you know you’ve done such a great job and this won’t last forever
I don’t have a whole lot of advice considering on some level I can relate. A man I had been with for around five years and shared a child with was probably the most abusive and toxic individual in my life. But I still loved him. About two months ago he committed suicide. He wrote me a letter from the county jail saying if I didn’t testify on his behalf and commit perjury (he was looking at 6-10 years for a number of assault charges against me) he would take his life. Now that he’s gone I also feel empty. Lonely. I still wait for his call. I actually still cry everyday.
I hope your friend finds sobriety and joy. I pray one day you’ll get a phobe call years from now with good news, that he’s turned things around. I can say that even if he were to pass I don’t know that what your feeling right now would change right away.
Personally with my guilt and grief I opted for therapy. Not helping yet but fingers crossed. please dont feel embarrassed to talk about it!. Sometimes things just don’t make sense until you really process it. Keep moving forward and congratulations on over a year! That’s something to be really proud of
Thank you so much for sharing. The first paragraph you wrote…I would kill to have all that stuff. You are so blessed.
Please don’t ruin all those blessings by being lonely, especially over a man who would threaten your sobriety. Only you can choose how long you get to torture yourself over that. If it were me though, I would have stopped torturing myself…like yesterday! Life is too short, and you have so much. Makes more sense to focus on that.
Im so glad u posted ur thoughts and feelings. I dont have a whole lot of advice but can tell u that i can absolutely relate to ur post. U are not alone
I chose to leave my ex over 15 years ago or so due to his drug use and how abusive he was to me. It was one of the hardest things i ever had to do bcuz at the time i still loved him. When we seperated ways, i felt a huge sense of guilt. There was also a huge sense of loss. We had been thru hell and back together. Alot of that was trauma bonding for sure but there was sooo much other emotion surrounding it too. A part of me felt bad bcuz i was clean and sober and he wasnt. A part of me lived in a fantasy, wishing things had been different. Wishing he could have found recovery again and we things couldve been diff btwn us. I felt hopeless bcuz i wanted to help him with his addiction but couldnt bcuz it would put me in harms way.
I think alot of what is being experienced is grieving and mourning the loss of ur loved one. And thats very normal. Its important that u stay sober and strong in ur recovery bcuz if he ever does call seeking help, ull be able to guide him in the right direction I hope that ur able to find some peace in ur day today. Its not easy feeling those kinds of feelings hugs
It sounds to me as though it’s time for you to grow.
Being clean/sober is one thing, but we must take care of the insides. It doesn’t go anywhere until we do. Thinking of going backwards to a relationship that includes using is never a good thought.
When I REALLY started the steps, as in got a sponsor who REALLY knew what she was doing, and I engaged in my own life’s work, I stopped thinking about my recent ex.
it used to take me 6 years to get “over” someone. But now, I have a whole new life. I would NEVER go back to ANYONE I used to be with. Nor should I. It is just not God’s will for me.
I encourage you to seek. Seek out a sponsor and rooms where people REALLY have something to transmit. Where they are TRULY getting well.
Recovered alcoholics/addicts ARE the professionals.
Therapists & psychiatrists don’t have a solution. They cannot produce the essential psychic change that a recovered alcoholic can help you do. Dr. Silkworth was very clear about that.
Only a recovered alcoholic/addict can touch another alcoholic/addict in that special way.
A very good sponsor who is committed and knows what she’s doing and our own work through the steps processes all of that. The problem is, you really have to seek people like that out in these fellowships. They are in 1 particular type of method/groups that I know of.
I’ve never heared of dr Silkworth.
And I think a therapist with enough knowledge can help. Yes connection trough experience in addiction is really helpfull too.
In my oppinion there is no “best”. And I do not want to choose between it. I think we need both.
I’m sorry I haven’t any advice on how to get thru these feelings. Just wanted to let you know you’ve done such a great job and this won’t last forever 
I hope that ur able to find some peace in ur day today. Its not easy feeling those kinds of feelings hugs