I would like to invite you guys to a minor reflection.
I have many friends. Each of them drive his or her own life the way they want. One of them is a heavy drinker although he says he is not an alcoholic I believe he is way down the functioning path.
Most recently I realized I could not spend time with him or his family without drinking to death. That is what connected us and it is, well, bad. Staying away in this case was the best decision and I don’t mean ignoring or treating bad. Just cross a line.
We should also be careful to who we tell about our never ending addiction stopping goal, specially about our cravings and flaws. I have a dear friend I told about my alcohol cravings and he said I should drink to make it go away.
The point is: there are people so damaged that can’t help you even though they think they are doing it. So learn to filter what people say to you and what you say and to who. That should make our journey much easier and before you try to help one, try to be ok first.
For me, this gets classified into expecting changes in my life without making changes in my life.
Now that I am sober, I can examine those relationships and activities that were based on my getting more alcohol. And for me, stopping drinking was the first step, not the whole journey. Some relationships and activities had to go and had to be replaced
Ur absolutely right… long ago, during one of my attempts to quit meth, I had “so called friends” who would call me a “quitter” for quitting drugs or start saying things like “oh so u think ur better than us now”, or whatever, trying to get a reaction out of me. During hard times emotionally, they would even offer drugs to “help” me feel better even tho they knew that I was quitting. I ended up isolating myself in my place while I tried to quit and being very alone. Which wasn’t good either. But thankfully the meetings were my go to place once I was introduced to them. But yes… misery loves company. It’s much much harder to quit if u are around people who don’t have ur best interests at heart. And in reality (at least for me), not a SINGLE person had my best interest at heart. Everyone was so far into their own addictions that they could really care less. U couldnt trust them or even believe a thing they said. It is such a sad way to live being around others and still feeling so so alone.
When I first told my brother that I had quit drinking and was really focusing on my health and sobriety, at the time I was only 8 days in. He replied with “8 days? Thats it!?! Talk to me if you make it 8 months!” He thought it was a big joke. I was so deflated and felt like I was doomed to fail; not even my family believed in me. Instead of letting it continue to get to me, I said to myself , “f**k it! I am not doing this for anyone but me…screw the people that don’t believe in me…I believe in ME”. As far as friends, the good ones will support you. I find that the friends that fear sobriety, or those that know that they have a problem they can’t control, those are the ones that try to destroy your sobriety success. For me, those friends were scared deep down to get the help they needed or just flat out did not believe they had a problem. I had to break away from that environment. Sure, some of those friends think that I chose to end the friendship because I thought I was better than them bc I chose to get sober. BUT at the end of the day it was never a friendship if alcohol was the only thing that made us friends.
This is so true. The people we surround ourselves with can either be extremely helpful or detrimental to our recovery journey.
At first I removed all “friends” who I would use with or who were in active addiction.
I am on day 19 now and am realizing they aren’t the only ones I needed to remove. The people who are extremely negative, the people who don’t understand and talk down on me, the people that make me want to use all need to go.
So that leaves me friendless for the most part and in need of new friends.
I am in no rush to make friends at this point however. I want to focus on me and become the best version of myself so that I can attain friends who are in a good place and we can mutually be in that good place vs me being the hot mess friend.
I told one of my “mates” (I use that term loosely) that I was going to get sober again the other day and his precise words were…… “well that’s boring”.
The funny thing is he was crying on my shoulder last weekend about how much he’s ruining his life.
I think the sad fact is that some people don’t want to see you better yourself because it forces them to address there own problems.
Just ran into this thread again and feel as summer time is sround the corner the issue will pop up again in my life. I have dear friends who always are fine with no alcohol as they usually drink very little. We are a “tea-party-girl-group” and have good times. I have friends who appreciate get together for a special event without alcohol, e.g. an apple juice tasting (wine tasting is boring, apples rock it!). And I have friends I only talk on the phone because they drink a lot and being together with them triggers me too much. Finding my own healthy boundaries is work in progress. The more I learn about myself, the better it gets.
I hear you and understand! I have a few friends I talk with during the day vs at night, because invariably they have been drinking and that makes for conversations they rarely remember anyway.
I have also found that some of my friends who drink more heavily and have questioned their own drinking in the past (had discussions with me when I was working toward sobriety) have fallen off and I rarely speak with them anymore. I reach out every now and again to keep the connection alive…but I understand not all friendships need to continue indefinitely (or should).
Man I totally agree. I’ve known a guy since 5th grade. He was basically just a drinking buddy. All we do is drink together. He’s the type of guy to text me thirsty Thursday or some shit just to get me thinking about drinking when he doesn’t even plan on it. Almost like they want to bring you down to be on the same path they are so they are not alone. Definitely a toxic person and the one I know I need to cut all ties with. Good luck on your journey and find some better friends lol
He doesn’t bother me anymore which is a relief! I think he accepted that this is real and this is my life now. Thanks for asking! Can’t wait to make it to 8 months though!