Becoming a father

[Bhn_ns]

Hi everyone,

I have a question:
A friend/fellow is expecting a child and is scared. Since I don’t have children, I don’t can’t offer any suggestions. So I want to try it this way: does anyone have suggestions on books/sites about becoming a father and recovery ?

[Trees]

I don’t have any links, but the most important part that I have found so far is to be patient and kind.
Money will always be a trouble, but having a child isn’t the money vacuum it’s made out to be. Making budget adjustments the parents will find a way. The sleepless nights will wear on them but it’ll get better as the children grow and sleep more regularly. It is a scary thing, and it’s okay to be scared.
Being sober makes it possible.

[Matt]

I don’t know any sites off the top of my head but in my experience with kids these things are important:

• You’re the adult, they’re the kid. You need to behave like an adult, keep on top of your responsibilities, and not let your emotions and impulses control you. (This type of self-awareness is exactly what you learn in sobriety programs, so if your friend is in recovery, tell him to get to a program and work it like his fatherhood depends on it.)
• Give them a safe space to play and be themselves, and be there to listen. Help them to notice and identify their feelings. Children often don’t know how to name feelings - they know they’re feeling something strong but they don’t have a name for it (sadness, anger, hurt, excitement, etc etc - all these are emotion names). (This type of emotional awareness is exactly what we learn in recovery programs, so again, if your friend is in recovery, that’s where he should be.)
• Spend time with them every day. It can be morning, lunch, afternoon, or dinner (or any combination), but you need to be with them. (Edit to add: if he has joint custody then obviously he won’t be with them every day, but the point is, be there every day you have them.) Children whose parents are present in their lives have far better lives than those whose parents are absent. (Being present - you guessed it - is another skill we learn in recovery programs.)

Basically it boils down to actually learning and practicing the skills you learn in recovery programs. So get him to a program and tell him his fatherhood depends on it!

There’s a good list here:

Resources for our recovery

[Lisa07]

I love the daily readings from Hazelden Betty Ford and I found this write up about sober dads on their website that references a book that looks interesting.

How To Be a Great Sober Dad

[Bhn_ns]

Thanks ! I ordered the book

[Pat_m]

Smoke a lot of weed during my oldest childhood, she couldn’t notice, but what a moron I was
Glad to see people ready to fight their addictions in the name of their parenthood !
There is absolutely nothing to gain by being wasted around a kid, and a lot to lose.