So I’ve been Cali clean for 2 half years 17 days. I was in a relationship for 2 years. I love this man. But there’s so much to it. First off I’m trans. And the guy I was with he had to hide it from his dad but his sisters know and mother in law knows. And he has a kid. 7 and I never met the kid, he one time went to see him and I was with him cause I had a dr app anyways. And he told me I could meet him but I instead took the bus home and told him no I don’t want to start things in bad terms with her. I told her and offered take her out to lunch a few times get to know me first to know he’s in safe hands. I’m old school. I get called trans phobic cause I don’t like them transitioning kids and so much more. Tbh I’ve cried to the thought that I can’t have kids anymore. But anyways, I dk what to do. He also drinks sometimes allot! And he’ll take his anger out on me and reflects what he feels about himself. I’ll sit there quiet while he yells and the entire time Iv just think to myself I can literally pick apart why you’re mad. But If I point it out I’m wrong. I’m moving with my sister. But this entire month I’ve been couch surfing between my friends who uses but not in front of me that was for like 3 days cause I had no where. Then I went to my sisters for 3 nights. And now I’m currently at my gpas. Head like my dad cause he raised me. But my uncle lives with him and me and him bump heads like crazy! Especially when he’s drunk. So little back story, I was never around my dads side of the family cause my grandparents wouldn’t let me due to his past. At 14 he died in jail from suicide, a month later I tried to unalive also. I did dive cause my heart stopped 2 times then one time they had to stop my heart to get it back to a normal rhythm cause I guess when I came back one of the times something happens to my heart. But anyways long story short, I asked my grandma his mom if I could stay with her till I got back on my feet. She consulted my aunts my dads sisters, at first they said yes over the phone. Then I get text saying I can’t cause they said no, yet my brother, she’d told me on the phone she’ll move if he can’t stay with her where she at now. ( he’s in rehab cause he got on meth bad huge story there I can tell.) but told me she raised him since he was a baby cause my dad wasn’t around. I honestly feel like never talking to them again. They didn’t have the balls to tell me no on the phone but can send me a text. I thought this would of been a good thing for her I d help her with groceries cause I get food stamps. I can keep her company cause she so used to my brother being there. Help her clean/cook. Also to get to know them cause I haven’t really seen them since my dad died when I was 14 I’m 30 now. O yeah at the funeral my aunt said she doesn’t want to see me or talk to me cause I reminded her of my dad, that I was a spitting image of him. Well now I’m trans and I look like my mom haha. I just need to talk to someone
O yeah my doc was opiates
What is “Cali Clean?” I’m from California and haven’t heard of this.
Welcome to Talking Sober Josslyn. There’s a lot on your plate and I’m sorry for that. Maybe you can find some support here, some knowledge about addiction, some support, or find your way towards other places that might help. Wishing you all success.
@Mattichot Cali clean means using marijuana in one way or another. Weed being my original DOC (which later switched to alcohol), I’m not happy with the term and I don’t see it as clean or sober. Still it might serve some as a method of harm reduction. Which, again IMHO, isn’t clean and sober either. But might be helpful to some. Not me.
Mind altering substances im with Mno sorry Matt on this ,
Welcome to the forum 
my advice is to read around the different threads you’ll find plenty of information there is also a LGBTQ+ threads too , have you thought about trying a in person meeting to meet like minded people from your area
@Mno Thanks for clarifying.
Myself, I’ve always been a beer or wine drinker. Mostly beer.
A couple years ago I decided i was drinking too much, so my compromise was to switch to marijuana instead. I hadn’t been a marijuana user since I was 19 (twenty years ago), but its legal here, and I reasoned that it would save me money and calories.
That lasted about a week before I was both drinking beer and getting high every day.
I’ve tried to compromise further with myself by making my discipline only drinking and smoking on weekends. That worked for about a week before I started reasoning that Thursday is basically Friday. Or if I drink on a Monday, I just won’t drink on Friday. Well, of course that didn’t work.
I finally went totally sober and I’m approaching three weeks on Monday because I don’t have the discipline to be Cali Clean.
Keep off both your DOCs as you may be finding one is fueling the other.
Stay off all MA drugs (obviously unless they are prescribed for you by a Dr) is the the only way.
But, you’re going to need help to beat this monster into submission.
You need to have a recovery program and to build up a support network of people who really understand what you’re going through.
The best way to build up a recovery/support network is by attending F2F meetings of whatever program you choose, and don’t forget to get phone numbers, so you can call a fellow alcoholic before you pick up.
AA has kept me sober for 21 years but it’s not for everyone.
There’s plenty of other flavours of recovery programs available now, SMART recovery and recovery dharma to name just 2.
Keep on delving into the forum, there’s a wealth of support and advice here.
This is a terrible disease, which kills frequently, and fighting it is a daily battle you only win by going to bed sober, and you’ll only win the war if you die sober.
Take care, stay safe and don’t drink or smoke.
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Yes! This is exactly what I was doing. Its like I was so scared to be sober that I had to keep some crutch in my life. I was bargaining with myself and ending up in the same cycle of regrets.