Behavioral addict, day one

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Hi y’all,

anyone else relate to this? i know this is a forum mostly for people with the real shit addictions, but i really want to stop doing this bullshit and it’s been more than a decade of hating this behavior and it steadily getting worse at this point and this app seems like a good one. i’ve never been fully open about my behavior before either, and i just wanted to tell the void what i’m feeling.

I’ve finally been able to properly admit to myself that I have a behavioral addiction to the internet. It’s been years since I’ve spent less than ten hours average per day consuming some form of bullshit rapid fire content. mostly reddit and 4chan and youtube. Most days much longer, especially lately.

I barely sleep at all. Last night I was up till 7am again, 30 minutes before I needed to get up… again… and I STILL couldn’t barely close my eyes without my anxiety becoming unbearable. School has been an endless nightmare - still working on my bachelor’s degree, 8 years of constant isolated struggle in. No job, obviously. I’m truly and utterly sick of it all.

anyway, hope this works. I hope all of y’all get where you need to go too

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Behavioral addiction is also the real shit. You belong here, I am glad you found us. I also have a few behavioral addictions.
Addiction is an illness that manifests in people in different ways that is all… congrats on your choice to try to heal.

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Our friend Jan @anon57836609 will have some good insights on this very real and valid addiction.

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This resonates! I am constantly using my phone as a way to escape or distract.

I distracted myself from not drinking last night by scrolling through reddit updates on fuckin instagram. Out of the fire, into the frying pan?

Its ok if these dont work for you, but one point of harm reduction for me has been putting on a podcast or video while also doing art or something with my hands, so at least im not staring at a screen.

I also bought some fascinating books ive been wanting to read, and being gentle with myself as i relearn how to focus in that way.

Hopefully as i get more sober i will also develop a healthy relationship with my phone.

Glad you made this post, rooting for you.

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Hi @gally
I too struggle with technology. My biggest problem was gaming. I used to game 18 hours a day. I’ve gamed very often until the sunrise. And I’ve pulled plenty of all-nighters. I was failing school. I was failing myself. I was failing my family. I was failing my life.

I was by no means a menace to society. I had a job. I didn’t get into fights anymore. So unless you knew me, I’d seem functioning. But I wasn’t.

I wanted to die. So I gamed even more to mask that feeling. I did everything I could to drown my hurt. But I drowned my joy along with it.

I checked into rehab 831 days ago when I was 16. Spent ten weeks there shut off from the technology, media and society. And I haven’t gamed since.

I have cried in bed because I wanted to game so desperately. But my pride wouldn’t let me. I would not be some failing relapser(my opinions on relapse have drastically changed since then).

But my focus was strictly on gaming. I got NetFlix again. I started watching cable TV. I’d look up youtube compilations about the reality shows I watched. I was sucked back into my addictions. I was in denial for quite a long time. Sometimes I’d realize what I was doing, but I’d just drown my awareness.

One and a half years ago I admitted to myself and others that I had a new issue. I signed up for rehab again and I knew I could now watch TV as much as I’d like as rehab would solve all my issues. And then they refused to let me go again as I hadn’t done enough work to stay sober after rehab. Not true.

My backup plan failed and I realized it’d have to be all me. A scary realization. I’ve fought my addiction ever since that realization. I haven’t been successful and I’ve lost countless battles. But I’ve got the upper hand. One step back, two steps forward. I’m a functioning member of society. All aspects of my life have improved.

So, as you can see, our addictions are very valid. They are truly shit addictions. Our brains are used to constant dopamine. This causes a higher threshold for dopamine release. And due to this, it’s a lot harder to feel joy.
And our addiction is a massive part of society. You can’t function without using technology.

But there’s good news: 4chan nor Reddit are essential. You can function without those easily. So your best course of action in the short term is to delete those accounts. I’ll gladly delete them for you if you’d like as I know how hard it is to remove a part of your being. Youtube is harder since you’re still in school and it often is used to help explain stuff. But you can delete your search and watch history and all your subscriptions to clear up your feed and make it less triggering when you do have to use it.
In the long run, I highly recommend professional therapy. It has saved my ass tremendously. And although this is a forum, which seem to be a big part of your addiction, I still recommend being active on here and contributing to people as that will strengthen your resolve against your addictions.
There are always people willing to help. And you can always send me a message if you want. :slight_smile:

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I hope I’m not being too dramatic in saying this, but it’s brought me to tears a few times in the last few days to come back to this thread. It’s been a major barrier for me to unsarcastically, unironically identify what I’m going through as an addiction, and I was afraid that this community would look down at what I’m going through that’s been steadily eating away more and more of everything else in my life as lesser or nothing. I was just bracing myself for the message I sent to be replied to with anger at using the term addiction, or with derision, or with nothing at all. I opened myself up in a way I don’t think I ever really have to publicly say what I said, and I really really really needed that acceptance. I had no idea how much it would mean. Thank fuck I reached out.

Impostor syndrome makes it very hard for me to take up ANY kind of label, especially one that is associated with a lot of pain, like “addict,” which to me conjures the vision of an “emaciated homeless heroin user” or something equally obvious and simple and common in media, whereas my distress is less visible, even though it has had physical consequences for me, though it’s not that bad as far as I’m aware because I’m young. I also don’t care that much about stigma (I’ll gladly take a diagnosis that suits me, if it will help me get better, or manage my condition), but I worry 1000x more about co-opting someone else’s pain. I’ve even heard several psychs say “yeah that’s addiction” but it just doesn’t hit anywhere near the same as an addict saying “welcome”.

So thanks, y’all. I’m an addict. woo. holy fuck

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We’re not like that here. And thank goodness!

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This is what we all say.

TRIGGER WARNING GAMING & GAMBLING

I am in recovery for substance abuse but I had been a day and night gamer for many years. It started with the drug of choice I was using back in the 90’s. Not eating, sleeping or drinking water for days sitting in a room with overflowing ashtrays. My life was disgusting. When I cleaned up from that drug my gaming didn’t stop. I also traded my drug use for some more “acceptable” behavioral addictions like going to the gym and running. For me they were poison and fed my eating disordered mind. The gaming though was a really devastating one for me. It gave me lots of opportunity to partake in risk taking behavior, and gambling. I spent over $30,000 dollars on one toon in one game. I would stay up all night spending money buying lucky packs and shit trying to enchant my weapons. So yeah I get it totally that feeling when you know you should stop but you can’t. The obsessive thoughts are so powerful and the impulsively is hard to control at first. I basically scared myself enough to stop. I got so in debt between gaming and impulsively buying trips to Europe and Tattooing my body (another addiction) that I was worried. I drowned those worries in booze for a few years before I found the courage to get clean.

One of the most useful things I have heard in recovery is “look for the similarities in our stories not the differences.” That identity part you are talking about is so important for us, we finally belong somewhere!! How amazing. I’m so glad you’re here.

:orange_heart::seedling::dizzy:

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