even if it is good it’s going to be worse when I get home back to the same toxic environment. i can’t take that
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One day at a time. It might be that they have alternatives for you.
Or that you will be able to see opportunities for yourself.
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we will see but I really don’t think this is going to end well. I’m trying not to predict or anything but I just can’t imagine a good outcome
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You know like any other addiction an eating disorder is the same in one point (from my experiences): there is only this in your brain. I have a very long history of ED and during the anorectic part all I thought about was food. Which is logical somehow as my body was starving. Back at the time I remember people who where so severely underweight you cannot do therapy at this point. Their body was in survival mode. Totally focused not to die. There was simply no energy left to put into therapy. And therapy is hard work. Like you said you don’t know if you have the capacity to work on it. That’s why it takes time. It takes some time to get used to the facility, your group, your new routines, the people. Give it a chance. And even if you seem to feel lost, disappointed or whatever there. At least when I think back I have always learnt something. Even many years later it’s like: ahhhh, like someone switched on a light bulb and I remember something which didn’t make sense back then but now longer down the path.
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i just really wish I had a time frame. I know I never will have one exactly because recovery isn’t linear. I feel like I don’t have time but honestly there’s nothing holding me back. I don’t have a job or any obligations.
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I can only tell from my experiences in Germany. Here you have a initial time line which can be prolonged. I was always thinking if my stay is prolonged I am not doing good enough until someone told me that they are also taking into account who well the patient participates in therapy. And I get it, why stay longer if I am not interested in what’s happening there.
You will get some answers soon. I hope you can get some sleep soon.
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I hope so too 
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it’s going to be worse when I get home back to the same toxic environment
When you take the opportunity and time to change yourself, you will be amazed at how the people around you change! This idea has been reinforced lately in the entries in “24 hours a day”, a daily reflections book targeted at alcoholics from an AA perspective.
November 7, for example, discusses this in terms of grace, which I interpret as harmony between my motivations and attitudes and behaviors and the Divine energy. I’ve made some edits to remove the more religious references, which is how I use this book on a daily basis.
Meditation for the Day
It is not so much you, as the grace … that is in you, that helps those around you. If you would help even those you dislike, you have to see that there is nothing in you to block the way, to keep (The) grace from using you. Your own pride and selfishness are the greatest blocks. Keep those out of the way and … grace will flow through you into the lives of others. Then all who come in contact with you can be helped in some way. Keep the channel open, free from those things that make your life futile and ineffective.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that all who come in contact with me will feel better for it. I pray that I may be careful not to harbor those things in my heart that put people off.
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