I don’t know if this is the right place to post but I’m not sure who to talk to. in 2 days I’m being admitted to an eating disorder clinic and it’s really making me desperate to self harm. I know once I get there they will go through my things so I can’t really do anything once I’m in there. but I know if i were to self harm or perhaps attempt something worse they might not take me. that’s how desperate I am to get out of this. funny thing is it’s voluntary. but I promised a friend I’d do this because I’ve never had this kind of opportunity before. I just somehow have to survive these constant intrusive thoughts until then
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Hi Lovely lady sending you a hug 
Sounds like you’re in self sabotaging mode, you know you need to do this you’re worth getting help and well and you are going to be glad once you’ve done it…
But for now, just get through the next hour, put some earphones in and blast some music/write in your journal/get out and walk/anything to get out of your head.
You’re not alone we’re in your pocket 
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thank you 
self sabotage mode is definitely right
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The obsessive thoughts are part of the mental habits of addiction. We all develop those, that recurring (false) thought that the only way to relieve our obsessive thinking is to do the addiction, to indulge the obsession. It’s false, but it is a mental habit.
Reaching out to trustworthy people is helpful, it brings done light in and helps alleviate the unhelpful thinking somewhat. Good for you for reaching out here on TS.
Harming yourself - or worse - will not help. But you already know that.
Are there some things you are worried about fii of your time there? Are there any other concerns on your mind? Have you checked your HALT: are you hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?
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I just have a huge fear of new foods and I eat very little so I know I’m going to be forced to try new things and it’s really scary. i tried a new food recently and it took over an hour to get myself to take a bite.
In terms of HALT I’d say all of the above. I could stand to eat more all I’ve really had is sugar. I’m mad at my friend for not being here even thought I know they’re just asleep. I’m mad at myself for being like this. I’m lonely because my friend is asleep. and I’m exhausted but also wired at the same time
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You have been clean of SH for a couple of years, right? For sure longer than the time you will be in the clinic. So not being able to SH in the clinic is achievable (and want you want!). Don’t let the ‘I can’t’ mind trick make you want to. I agree that you are trying to self-sabotage yourself. Try to think that the people in the clinic are experts who want to help you.
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yeah it’s been almost 3 years. I have no idea how long I’ll be at the clinic but definitely not that long
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I’m so glad that you posted and I’m so glad that you are self harm free.
I’m also glad that you’re going to go to the eating disorder center. And hoping it will be helpful for you to learn how to eat healthy and nutritionally sound.
It’s normal to have anxiety going into a new environment. That’s normal and expected.
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I am grateful that they accepted you into their program. I think it will be really good for you to get out of your home environment and to do something different. I understand your anxiety about doing something different.
You know the saying, nothing changes if nothing changes. This is your opportunity for a change.
And again it might open up the world to you where you’re able to begin to become more independent.
Hopefully to learn to eat in a healthy way and that way as you know, and as you said, you will start feeling better physically.
It’s normal to feel anxiety before something new especially the unknown something new.
Do you know anything about the program?
Do you know if you will have a roommate?
If you feel like talking about any of it, please do and if you don’t, I understand that.
I’m curious what your parents said about it
I know you said something about taking a bus for two hours. Does that mean to get to where the inpatient place is or once you get to the town where it is or what?
If you feel like talking about it, do so, if you don’t feel like talking about it, I understand and that’s fine too.
The important thing is that you not harm yourself.
You’re helping yourself by going to the eating disorder clinic and you are the one who for the last 2+ years has not hurt yourself.
You have not hurt yourself after having a problem with that ever since you were eight years old.
Congratulations on your time free from hurting yourself.
This is a clinic for people who have a disorder. I doubt that they are going to force you to do anything.
Force is a very strong word.
I have no idea at all, but I would expect that it’s more along the lines of counseling, teaching, and hopefully a very gentle approach to you and the anxieties you have around eating.
I would not think that they would force you to do anything.
Big hugs and lots of love I see that you last posted two hours ago so I hope that you’re OK and regardless of whether you’ve self harmed or not please come back and post.
You are so much further ahead than you were a week ago or two weeks ago. You’ve been wanting help, you’ve been seeking help.
Now some kind of help is on the horizon and you just have to get through the next two days until you get there.
And see what it’s like, it might be you love it, you will not know till you’ve given it a chance.
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I know a small bit about the program I have a schedule and I’ve seen some good reviews. I do not know if I have a roommate but I really hope not. my parents will drive me it’s a 2 hr drive and then I live up there until my treatment is done . my dad was accepting my mom was not happy and panicked for a while but eventually decided this will probably be good
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I am looking forward to your upcoming time at the clinic. I know its a huge change and can be scary.
The addict mind is gonna try to convince you that you need to do one last bang before you go to the clinic. You have come so far my friend. You have a few days left before your trip - stay connected here, try to keep working on your recovery tools 
Remember that you have stacked up 3+ years and you do deserve to be happy and pain free
Much love to you friend 
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Success my friend. Just do your best. Big hugs.
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Going in a clinic 25 years ago saved my life. Honestly. It was brutal. I couldn’t do it on my own. I tried every day and I failed each and every day. Alone. On my own.
It was not my last time in a clinic. I still remember some things. Good things. Things I still struggle with. The key is: it saved my life.
No matter what I strongly believe that you can and will learn something there.
And we will be there with you somehow as well.
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I’ve been trying alone my whole life I can’t do it alone anymore but I’m terrified
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This is normal. You are not alone with this. I bet everyone who will start with you on Monday is feeling the same. It’s something unknown. But they are there to help you if you let them.
It’s exhausting to be in fight mode all life alone.
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yes I’m beyond exhausted. I know this is going to be hard work so I’m not sure how much energy I truly have to dedicate
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It is one step at a time. I’m happy for you that you’re doing it. I understand your anxiety. I hope you will be able to check in while you’re there
At this point do you have any idea how long you will be there?
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I will still have my phone so I’ll be able to check in. I have no idea how long I’ll be there though but I was told at least a month probably that’s the scariest part to me, not knowing how long long I’ll be gone
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Personally, I’m happy for you that you’re going. I know that it will be scary for you to begin with. I think that the people working there will know this and will accommodate you and your fears more than anything else…
I think it is such a nice opportunity for you to get away from your home environment and to go into a new area and learn new things.
Try to keep your mind open to the possibility that it can be good and possibly great and wonderful and make a huge difference in your life one day at a time on it.
I’m glad you’re going to have your phone because you know that you have all of us with you also.
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