This day I realised something really… Hurtful.
I relapsed. I absolutely relapsed. My mental health because of it went really into some deep of black shit and I again start a lot to isolate myself. Because of relapse and my addictions I have severe mood swings. And because of it my boyfriend told me he feels like he can’t help me. Because I made around myself walls and started again a lot smoke and hurt myself. Because I thought I will be okay. That I will avoid pain.
My third recovery is fucked up. Oh god. I messed up really badly. I didn’t expect to come in this time.
I know I need to start recovery as soon as possible so I can still catch myself, but I’m really scared. It means I will have again these bad hours of my life, where I will scream and cry because of that pain inside of me. Oh my god. I’m not ready for this. But I have no choice.
Because I know I need to save myself. I want to be happy and sober person. I know addictions only mess up things and relationships.
I’m really sorry. I’m sorry for myself as well. This realisation that I again became active addicted person is making me feel so shitty, you even can’t believe how much. It hurts even physically.
I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry to read that you’ve relapsed. I know it feels so bad right now, but you’re right though, you can still catch yourself, and save yourself. Keep reaching out. I am sending you strength and love 
🩵
Thank you a lot.
I’m absolutely not ready for next weeks full of screaming and crying… but I know I need to do it, so I can be happy and sober.
How I always say, addiction is shit, but it’s only your decision, if you will fight it or it will kill you.
It may feel hard at first, but let it get out of you with the screaming and crying, so you can be free and feel stronger again. You don’t have to go through this alone, we are here for you 🩵 please stay, please fight.
Do you know why I’ve given you a like for a relapse post?
There’s so much pain, regret and desperation in your post and it’s that which so many of us need to experience to one day never go backwards. I learnt sooo many lessons the hard way and felt everything you wrote about and ultimately that’s what has made me stronger or at least strong enough to do one day at a time sober.
This may not happen the way you expect or want it to happen but never stop trying EVER.
F. A. I. L. - First attempt in learning.
I believe in you…
Thank you a lot. I will try to get up now mentally in next days and possibly as well weeks, because from getting out this shit which I’m right now takes for me long time…
Staying, fighting.
The only two things of which I’m afraid right now is these shitty days which will come soon or later when I will be sober and telling my boyfriend about my big relapse… He supposed to be right now in that little house, but after messaging him that I need him right now he said he will find good way how to get for me. I feel a bit… Guilty that even now when he is supposed to chill I still ask for him a help. But as well this message where he told me he will come as soon as possible made me feel… Hopeful and safer.