“The need to hold onto booze was primal. Drinking had saved me. When I was a child trapped in loneliness, it gave me escape. When I was a teenager crippled by self-consciousness, it gave me power. When I was a woman unsure of her worth, it gave me courage. When I was lost, it gave me the path: that way, toward the next drink and everywhere it leads you. When I triumphed, it celebrated with me. When I cried, it comforted me. And even in the end, when I was tortured by all that it had done to me, it gave me oblivion.
Quitting is often an accumulation. Not caused by a single act but a thousand. Drops fill the bucket, until one day the bucket tips.”
an excerpt from “Blackout” written by Sarah Hepola
‘Crippled by self-consciousness’. That’s how the f’r wormed it’s way into my life.
Day 75 and confidence/determination has replaced the self-consciousness and booze. I’ve been to rock bottom and climbing out of that pit gives you back the things the booze tricks us into believing only it can give us.