Every relationship has their challenges and arguments that seem to repeat no matter how many times you have the same circular, dead end and destructive “conversation”. My husband has been struggling with heavy Adderall, Oxy, ect abuse the past 3 years and recently I have told him I can’t live like this anymore. All of the wasted money, arguing, his lies, and narcissistic behaviors and lectures… I’m emotionally fried. He likes to tell me it’s because of me that he uses. Now, I know in my heart that I’m not the one who causes him to use. I know logically HE chooses to buy them and use them, despite my pleas for him to get sober for his family. It doesn’t change the awful, toxic feeling it gives me inside when he says it. I feel he is in complete denial and does not hold himself unaccountable. Without writing a novel, do you honestly feel it’s ever fair or legit to blame your drug use on someone else? Or has this happened to you? Or have you accused someone else for your use? There’s no judgement here…just hoping for support and insight.
(I have struggled with alcohol but I have never blamed him for when I drink. I always made the choice to drink. I am choosing sobriety now because the last thing want to be is a hypocrite!)
I have accused someone else of causing my drinking but I was an addict and being immature. I was just plain deflecting. It is never someone else’s responsibility to make me sober.
Your husband sounds like he’s being a terrible partner who is not facing his own behaviour.
I am currently in the first couple of years of a newer relationship where the thrill, love and respect is very easy to see. We disagree about some things but we don’t have
Instead we so far come to some kind of agreement that we can both accept. If those kind of repetitive arguments are happening you are not listening to, supporting and loving each other. His addiction is making him unavailable to you anyway.
To be sincere? I can’t judge you. I don’t know enough about your relationship with your housband but I can talk about my own experiences.
I had…toxic relationships. Several ones since I was a teenager. Abusive relationships. In an emotional and sometimes physical way.
My mother was a great woman. But she had a mental illness. She took many medicines and became an addict who slept all day. We had problems with money and other family members but she showed me that a way to go throught all what bothered you was to just get high on x substance and sleeping until everything got better or so much worse that you couldn’t do anything about it but getting more pills and sleep.
She’s better now, despite of sequels. My point? Everyone who knows both of us say we’re the same. When things get awful, I drink. I take clonazepam. I mix both. Or I get cocaine. And just after, I think about how to solve my problems. And if I can’t or it takes me too much time, I get more and more of whatever I can get to feel better.
I’m not blaming my mother. Raising a kid isn’t easy and she did her best. But…
I finished an abusive relationship months ago because this person would’t stop. He was all the time comparing me to his friends. Saying that I was inferior to them and to him in success. That he didn’t care about me and that he would leave me soon.
I was just fine after six months of no seeing him. I wasn’t drinking. I didn’t get any drugs. But dealing with him again made me so miserable that I started with alcohol again. Because I couldn’t make him happy. Because I wasn’t good enough. Because others had everything from him and he despised me, even when we grow close.
It was like a love movie where the lovers have a weird script. He confused me. He said all this things but he wanted to be with me. Or so it seemed to me.
I wanted for everything to work out. With him, my writing, College and my job. But it was hard already and he did it worse.
Still, I never blamed him. I still think it’s not his fault, even when each time he told me I didn’t deserve him, I got drunk or got clonazepam or both things. It was me. That I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t stand him.
That is why I left before he did. And I think it was the right choice. Yes, he abused me. But I wanted to please him and I couldn’t, so it was not fair for me to complain with him. My life, my decisions.
He can’t blame you unless he leaves you to get better, hon. Otherwise, he’s just abusing you to not blame himself.
Good luck, sorry if it’s a little long.
Thank you so much for your support and sharing your experience. I’ve known for a while that I’m in a toxic relationship, it’s been REALLY tough. I’m so happy that you’ve found someone who you can have a healthy relationship with. 
I really appreciate you sharing your story with me. You make so many points that hit the nail right on the head on how I’ve been feeling. Somedays I feel like I’m drowning in a lifestyle I never thought I would be in (again). I know I’m not perfect but some of the things he says and does are beyond irrational and unfair. It’s one of those things where I know what I need to do, and eventually will have the means to do it. Just going to take time to get there, and that time is mostly miserable. Stories like yours let me know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it’s a longer tunnel than I would like.