Hi you guys, posting tonight purely to share how I’ve been feeling deflated a bit lately, and my exuberance and constant feeling of progress is slowing down. When for the first few months of my recovery I’ve been pretty much clear of my age-old depression, days spent in bed anxious and immobile almost zero where before I quit I was pretty much catatonic, and I’ve temporarily felt I had outrun my problems, albeit knowing this would only be a temporary effect, I think the novelty of my sobriety is wearing off and the pink cloud is being turned into a deep dark blue one. A while ago I read a post on here asking when the pink cloud would end and inwardly thought how long I’d been so relatively untroubled now and how blessed in that. Recently though I spend more days in bed again, beating myself up, feeling insufficient and bad, I struggle with overeating (addiction hopping for sure), with motivation, with emotional issues that are very old and are being brought up in my therapy, I struggle more to keep up my good routines of excercising, journalling, even to remain on healthy thoughts and not forget what I’ve learned. To be kind to myself, all that. I try to tap often into the consciousness of some kind of HP I’ve rediscovered recently, and I generally try my best to keep doing what I’ve been doing. I try to be kind to myself, I do, but often not successfully or it feels undeserved. I don’t want to drink and don’t turn to thoughts of drinking. I know very well that sobriety and healing will bring up eventually all the issues and reasons why we became addicted in the first place, and I am working through that in my therapy and am prepared for some dire and hard times through that, definitely, that’s how it works. I’m generally not one to believe in easy or quick fixes, ever really. So, I guess I’m in a way not despairing over my lower moods, that things are getting harder now. However I don’t want to stall, I’m hooked on this better and promising life and I want to continue living it. And I do crave the momentum and feeling of self-control and power it gave me to make progress and be good to myself.
So I wanted to hear what others have done to enable themselves to continue the work into and through the darker phases of recovery? When you want to medititate but anxiety gets so you can’t leave the bed, or want to lift weights but your thoughts are spinning round miserably and nothing to be done. When you can’t even remember the sayings and wisdoms you’ve picked up over the months from others in recovery. Any input whatsoever is highly valued.
Thanks for reading. Hope everyone is well! x
I think many of us can relate to your experience. Once we gain a little mastery in sobriety, our underlying mental health issues (which contributed to our using) come popping back up wanting to be dealt with…ah, our life’s work! It can be a bummer when we have been riding the happy sobriety train. Nevertheless, we can face our stuff and deal with it…healing can and does happen.
For me, I found that I needed to be back on Lexapro for about 6 months. It helped ease my returning anxiety while I continued my work on making peace with my stuff. I also had to really push myself to focus on self care …not just making time for yoga or sitting even when I was agitated, but finding new ways to soothe and care for my mind. I have found some comfort with crystals and their energy…not for everyone…but healing for me. And I also got okay with not always being okay. That has been challenging, but I have gotten to the place where I listen to what my body mind and spirit are asking…and a lot of times it is simply to just be…not do.
I don’t know if any of this resonates for you, but I do hope you will continue to be gentle with your self and your process. It is okay to sit with your stuff sometimes, see what it is asking or nudging you toward. Love your self, love your process. 
I am in that space too, myself. I’m still working through it so I don’t want to pretend to know my way through it; but I am finding groups helpful. I started attending more groups each week & that has helped get me out. I am planning more sober social events too. Those are fun & I like connecting with people.
But I think Sassy is right. We have years and years of stuff we never faced. It’s coming up. It will pass, but it can’t be rushed. In the meantime make some tea and put some PJs on maybe; do some cooking. Something light & gentle with yourself 
Thank you sassy for your kind and insightful words, they do resonate with me a lot. What you say about being on with not being ok, to do with acceptance in general, is something I’m trying to consciously working on, my therapist is also nudging me in this direction. Things, so old and frightening cannot be rushed. I have outgrown the constant immediate dread of being sucked under them and being lost in my troubles wholly again, which is a huge huge deal for me. I’m becoming more ok with being not ok, at the same time, obviously, I want to be rid of the old shackles.
Being kind to myself is another one. Would you believe I’d never even heard of the concept or the phrase until I started my recovery and listening to podcasts? Says a lot about the kind of person I used to be!
Lastly the thought that all this is, as you say, our work. There’s something so hopeful and honouring in that.
Thank you for reaching out. 
Thank you Matt for your honesty. I actually had the same thought after I posted, connection is such a relief from our inward pressures and reservoir of strenght. Sometimes. Theoretically, haha! Cos then again I mostly get really overwhelmed spending time with people, I want to make deep connections, but find myself struggling judging what people expect from me, or finding they don’t have the same needs. My sense of self often gets totally lost and obliterated spending time with people I’m not close with, or who don’t show themselves in a meaningful way. Their words run through my head for hours afterwards and I can’t get back to an undisturbed mind. Boundary issues. I get drained as much being around ppl I don’t feel a connection with as I get sustained when the connection is there or forming. I don’t know if you know what I mean. I guess I have a lot to learn still, socially. Sorry if this sounds super negative, I’m just thinking out loud here.
As you were posting I was actually throwing on my apron and made some nice dinner and a wee cake. The simple joys. I used to enjoy cooking when I was drinking, so I could drink in peace, and still enjoy it now, as something like self-care even.
Thank you for your reply, peace to you. X 
It sounds to me like you are really doing some great work. You should be very proud of yourself.
Check out Sarah Blondin’s podcast Live Awake. And if you have the Insight Timer app, she has an incredible 10 day course of short meditations that are fabulous. That may be in the premium portion, but otherwise her free stuff is very helpful to me.
Oh wow, great I’ll definitely check that out! Many thanks!
My pleasure. I used to feel like that around others, I would get lost in the sea of their emotions & needs. It was overwhelming and was behind a lot of my acting out / addictive behaviour (escape). However as I’ve aged (I am 37) I’ve become much more selective about people I hang out with, and try to go for quality. I’ve also become more assertive (still respectful) in my communication. I’m asking for what I want more often.
I also find as I age that I’m treasuring my wife more. It’s amazing; when we got married mid-20s I still felt like the whole world was in front of me and I was out and up and around. But now I feel more grounded, stable, steady, and looking for that honest, humble connection: can I share ___ with you? I feel ____. I often tell her my feelings of incompleteness, unworthiness, shame, and why I feel that way. I have coached her a bit on empathizing and not mothering me 
(I don’t need a solution, just empathy) - she is really getting good at listening.
I believe I’m finding my marriage is a deep reservoir of love and support, as I take the time to invest in it, to listen and learn and coach. We also go to regular couples counselling. I still have friends outside, a good number of friends, but it’s the time I spend with my wife that I really feel we’re growing alongside and through each other.
I love Sarah Blondin! I listen to her on Insight Timer.
She is AMAZING!!! Edited to add…youtube has a few other meditations of hers I hadn’t heard yet.
I know what you mean about qualitative over quantitative social relations and changing ones own behaviour. Today I met a girl I work with for coffee, she normally makes me feel very overwhelmed and stressed out, she talks a lot about her chaotic life in terms that make it seem normal and as if she’s on top of it, but the whole time I’m thinking naaahh, girl, this sounds way too much. Well today I managed to leave her stuff mostly with her when we parted ways. Felt so good.
That sounds beautiful what you say about your relationship with your wife! I’m happy you can be there for each other in such a way! My boyfriend is at times struggling to provide this kind of support. He’s very happy I’m doing better and tells me so and that he’s proud. But I also know that he is overwhelmed with my changing now, and wanting more presence and connection from him. When I was super depressed and drunk that was pretty much all I was doing and he got used to being left alone by me mostly, or that his sheer loving presence was enough to lift me up. We are approaching the whole working together thing slowly and cautiously. I don’t want him to have to feel defensive or that he has to keep up. But I generally am excited to deepen our connection again.
I’m sure you’ll deepen it significantly. I didn’t realize in the early days of our relationship how much it was a marathon, not a sprint 
I think of it like a tree: it grows over years, and decades. It’s imperceptible. But if you work at it, one branch at a time, and you’re fearless and honest with yourself and your partner (including times when you need to push down their tablet and say, “Hey - we need to talk this though & figure it out, and we’re going to stay parked here on the side of the road until we do, because nothing is more important to me than us, and I don’t want to bury some pain or resentment”), you will find it is absolutely the best source of love and strength in your life.
Take care, and be kind but also meditative and assertive at this time. You’ll learn a lot - you’ll actually look back on this as a moment of fresh insight and growth. Good luck, and enjoy the journey
I agree with you and know very well from years ago the feeling of going through constant attentive and loving work, the relationship being a beautiful shared living project. I love your tree analogy and will think of it in the future. Imperceptible growth all over, that’s how I view it and how we used to live it aswell. Well, our tree has been hibernating over a long winter, let’s say, and is now eager to bud again.
Thank you for your kind words. I’ll take them to heart as another day begins here.
Have courage. You both have so much potential and persistence to figure this out. It’s just like recovery: if you work it, it works. Wishing you peace as you wake up from your hibernation Take care!