Hi - I’m diagnosed BPD but have been in recovery for 7 years from all symptoms and acting out. Last week, I completely lost it. I got drunk and felt like self harming and had suicidal thoughts. Crazy part - I REMEMBER NONE OF IT 
Thank God for my addiction worker who I apparently called and came to my home and brought me to the hospital. I am only now able to come back to my senses and haven’t drank since, but this is scary stuff… We are working together to try and find what triggered me, but I feel so depressed, down and shameful. I am at a loss of words, but pray that I can find balance and hope, cause I sure feel bizarre. Anyone have thoughts on this or ever lived the same thing? 
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Hi @Alice13
I have BPD and alcoholism. I haven’t been in the same situation as you exactly. I just came by to say that i know how scary and overwhelming it can all feel, and you aren’t alone. I’m glad you had someone to come and get you to safety.
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Sorry you’re going through all this. Yes, I have some insight on your recent mania & other thoughts.
I think the booze got your dopamine ramped up & any mood stability you had went to the breeze.
I worked previously in behavioral health as the PCP for the folks with mental health conditions. And, I’ve seen what you described happen to several. Stable for some time & used or drank and out came the old ways of thinking.
As a recovering drunk myself I remember my personality change when I was lit. He’s known as shitty Smitty!
Feel better soon, friend!
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Hi Alice! I was also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I am a recovering addict. I struggled with addiction and mental health for 22 years. It was only until I went to therapy (DBT) and found the right medication, that my BPD symptoms and thinking decreased.
And of course rehab and 12 step meetings and counselling helped tremendously with my addictions and self harming behaviour.
Im so glad u called ur addictions worker and that they were able to assist you 
Pausing before reacting has been a huge help for me. I used to also be very impulsive so pausing before i act, has helped me to sort of determine if what i was about to do, was healthy or not. We are here to help Hope to see u posting more! 
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THX for the support.
I wrote a lot yesterday (which is one of my means to cope) and also went for a nice, long but gentle walk. I feel better and am so grateful to not have relapsed fully. I need to remember that these episodes are unfortunately sometimes part of the process and not to be too hard on myself. I don’t know where you guys are from, but here in Quebec French Canada it’s just been beautiful outside all week, so another walk is planned for today! Have a great day! 
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It’s okay, it’s okay that you feel the way you feel. It’s wonderful that you and your counselor are working to try to figure out what triggered it, and I understand that sounds very scary to completely black out and not remember. None of it and especially the suicide part, and I am grateful that you Ended up calling your counselor! You’re here today and I am blessed to read your story! I have bpd as well!
I am what they call dual diagnosis. I have bipolar, 2.
The list of mental issues is endless,
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Wow! Thanks so much for sharing. I also had OCD when I was younger, but medication got that healed. I hate how much people stigmatize BPD! They think we’re crazy while we’re actually truly and honestly suffering. They should understand that addiction is a symptom of this disorder… A way to escape really…
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Is the 12 steps program what helped you most? I did a lot of cognitive behavioural therapy and that helped me. How long have you been able to stay sober and in balance?
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When it comes to my addiction, yes the 12 steps did wonders. I have done the steps a couple times with a sponsor and it really transformed the way i see myself, the world, and i how i interact with others. I cant say enough good things about AA, CA, and NA. I dont attend in person meetings anymore (although personally i prefer in person to online) but i do attend online occasionally now. But what I have learned from meetings has stuck with me for years. Plus the social aspect of meetings is amazing. Meeting others on the same path has honestly made the world of difference.
I have 3.5 years clean and sober currently. But a part of being able to stay clean has also been the meds I am on. Being on my meds for anxiety and BPD has helped me in my recovery. Im not feeling the intense highs and lows that come with BPD. Those feelings, when I used to experience them, were part of the reason I used to use to cope. So by being on my meds, it has helped to “level” me out
But you’re not wrong there, my addiction was always escaping. escaping everything, and I always felt like superwoman, straight up. I mean, I could clean my I could sit cleaning my house for 3 days and loved it.
And uh, part of BPD for me, I seriously base my worth and value on other people’s opinions. And when people don’t like me It really, truly bothers me.
And I sure the heck don’t, I hate it!
But it’s part of the BPD, and yeah, there’s stigma around everything. What people don’t understand people Hate! and people don’t understand a lot these days!