Its been 5 days since my older sister (the psychologist) sent these messages to me and I have been in a shitty negative spiral so I think I need to talk about it in order to feel better.
When I read her texts I instantly felt punched in the gut and sick to my stomach. For days I cried at the drop of a hat. Having someone you love and value so much tell you you have a personality disorder is hurtful.
Yet, the more I researched it the more I realized she may have hit the nail on the head. Even viewing my initial reaction to this… they are 100% Borderline… (I stopped eating as a form of self torture to deal with the emptiness and then I just completely shut her out.)
I am mad. Where was she with this 10 years ago when I was constantly fucking up my life? She finally comes at me with this when for the first time in my life I feel like I am doing better than ever!?
What makes me think I may be Borderline is that I tried to kill myself at 14, and I experimented with cutting up until my early 20s. I had an eating disorder in high school. I used to shoplift and just hurt myself in so many ways. I thought this was all normal teenage behavior. I thought I just had issues because my Dad never loved me. My relationships have always been extremely rocky and chaotic. Without a doubt my parents physically and emotionally neglected me in my first 5 years of life (which I am also mad about too but I know they didn’t know any better.) Then of course all of the addictions I had to overcome. My life has mellowed out a lot…I am 32 now. This is my first year getting sober and the first time I have tried dealing with my emotions without drugs and alcohol. Ive come a long way this year. I do yoga every single morning to cope.
It sucks to realize that I am not normal. I am trying to find the silver lining to all this. I should be happy that I have figured out what is wrong with me. But I feel so broken right now.
I rememeber there was a time in my life when I felt sort of “normal.” I was 26… I ran ALL the time. I had 2 jobs, a good group of friends, goals, a normal relationship and I just kept running. I remember I felt like I was running from this darkness and if I stopped running it would get me. I ran 7 half marathons that year. Eventually the darkness caught up with me which I now know were my negative emotions that I never learned how to cope with. They got me. They destroy me.
They have me now.
I cant sit here and feel bad about this forever. My best friend has BPD and she is the kindest most sweetest person I know with the biggest heart. It just has such a bad stigma to it. I dont feel like I can talk to anyone about it because I fear their view of me will change. Glad I can come here and vent about it. I know I am not the only one.
I really wish I knew the silver lining to all this… if anyone knows, feel free to tell me…
Thanks for listening…
You have been feeling better and doing better because you want to. You have earned it and it sucks that your sister hit you with this.
Unfortunately siblings can have the most toxic of relationships. I do with mine. My sister has rained on my parade more than once. So much so that I made boundaries so tall that I dont even communicate with her anymore.
They hand out personality disorders like they are halloween candy. Some diagnosis may be legit, Others are just a way to create patients, keep them medicated, and less likely to work on the issues behind the behavior.
I could go to the doctor right now and get diagnosed with several personality disorders.
Your sister isnt a DR, its just an article.
Im sorry your sister made you feel this way. My family used to do things like that all the time to hurt me. I dont allow it anymore. My family isnt blood. they are people who know and support me. brothers from another mother. sisters from another mister.
stay on the path youve made good progess with. Dont let anybody take the wind out of your sails. Youve worked to hard and come to far to give that kind of power to anyone. Even family.
Thanks! You are right. You are one of the coolest people on the forum I would be honored to have the same mental illness as you! I probably just need to get the hell off of google because that is what has been painting such a horrible picture for me. Someone being unable to deal with their emotions doesnt them a bad person …just maybe bad shit happened to them. Maybe I can begin to understand myself too.
I have always put my sister on a pedestal and thought she was the smartest person in the world… you are right she shouldn’t be handing out diagnosis like its candy!! She did the same thing with my daughters father saying he was OCPD and that kind of drove a wedge in our relationship. I shouldnt care so much what she thinks to the point that it ruins my day…
I know the toxicity of my sister. I wish it was different. It saddens me if I feed the sadness. I’ve gotten pretty good at not feeding the sadness.
All I can do is keep my side of the street clean.
I’ve seen it happen with friends too. A toxic sibling creating drama all the time. My friends wife is a great person. She is my friend too. Her sister has really been bringing her down emotionally. She battles depression without the drama. Her sister has a way of triggering her, and feeding the depression.
It trickles down and effects everyone.
I used to be really close to my sister. Shes changed. Alot of people have someone in there family that loves to rain on parades.
Oooh Iove this article! Thank you! I feel a lot better. I should have just come here in the first place instead of letting it bother me all week…You guys are the best!!
I think your sister is trying to help you and that’s a sweet thing to do no matter what. But she can’t make a diagnose.
Would it help you to get a diagnose? Would it give you more peace and calm?
If so I would check it out. Maybe getting the right help and therapy will improve your life!
Don’t shoot the messenger, she is just trying to help.
I don’t have any experience with this but I would say yes get off Google!
Go to the doctor, talk to them.
If you are then you are, you’ll be surprised how many people are and crack on with normal successful life’s.
It shouldn’t change anything about you, in fact it should actually help you to understand why things happen.
I struggled with my eldest daughter’s Asperger’s diagnosis. But now with understanding, I realise that it’s not a bad thing. It’s just a part of her.
Get out of your head, it’s not a good place to be.
Most things that I wanted to say already have been said by others. I got diagnosed earlier this year with a combination of BDP and avoidant PD. In itself that’s neither good or bad. Of course there’s the stigma so I’m careful who I share this with. So far nobody thinks there’s anything valid about the diagnosis, except my sister who I have a difficult relationship and is a MD haha.
The use for having this diagnosis for me is that I can get into schema therapy that looks to be good and successful in addressing and treating many of the problems I experience in living my life. I’m on a (very long) waiting list for it now. My best friend accuses me of wanting this diagnosis and using it as an excuse to not address and work on my problems, sitting back and waiting for a magical cure in the form of this therapy. I do recognize there’s a risk of that. But I honestly think I can’t do it alone and her help as a friend just isn’t enough to get out of my head or deep enough in it to really help myself.
Sorry this is all about myself. Maybe there’s something for you there. Please know that you are just you just like everybody else. We’re all normal or weird in our own ways. Psychiatry is a very inexact science, if science at all. And getting sober is a huge step in the right direction. So yay to us for that! Big hugs.
Thanks so much you guys. Today I feel like myself again. I survived that mood swing without turning to drugs or alcohol. I am glad that I can now identify what those mood swings are. I just realized today I am at 67 days of sobriety! I have never made it past 67 days so I am now in uncharted sober territory. Thank you so much for being a part of my journey and for being so much help along the way! You guys are the best!!
@SoberWalker I listened to what you said about not shooting the messenger and reached out to my sister and told her how I feel and that helped a lot to talk about it. @Jennajen Thank you, I have read a lot of your posts on the subject and they have been SUPER helpful to me so thank you for sharing about your experiences! @anon12657779 Hearing you say that it doesnt change anything about me was very healing for me so thank you for that. LOL I am out of my head now thank goodness. @Mno I love to hear you share! I am curious about this schema therapy, I might look into it. I would love an update on your experience with it!
Yes sobriety is just this long journey of self discovery and we are all fortunate to be on it.
Nearly everything you wrote in your first post resonated with me, like almost as if I wrote it myself, except for the 32 part I’m 33 lol… I literally lived my life the exact way you did, I went to CBT a few years back and I told my doctor not to diagnose me as I felt like I may just dwell on the diagnosis and not deal with my problems as I seen someone saying on here, I thought I was doing the right thing, only to carry on with destructive behavior from then until this year… I have a family member who is a phschologist and I asked them their views she said that yes I 100% have BPD and to tell you the truth since finding this out I feel so much more peace within myself, I know can understand why I did some of the outrageous things I did … but also I’m able to be more compassionate with myself… I am also awaiting an appointment to be assessed and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Don’t worry about the stigma, we don’t look at people with other illnesses and judge them. Some people may judge us but remind yourself that these are the people who probably need more help than us. No decent human would critize someone with an illness… alos I feel like your sister may have only been trying to help you better understand what is going on with you, try and remember it is also hard for family members to see their family members unwell and hurting them self with addiction. I honestly hope that you can better know now how to go about getting appropriate treatment to help cope with your BPD. You will survive and be so much stronger.
Congrats on your 67 days that’s amazing…
Everything I was going to say has pretty much been said already, but I have to agree with the majority here when I say that I felt relief finally being diagnosed. Finally knowing what was wrong, that I could work on it and get better. Now that I know what I’m dealing with, I know how to cope, in healthy ways!
I probably just need to get the hell off of google because that is what has been painting such a horrible picture for me. Someone being unable to deal with their emotions doesnt them a bad person …just maybe bad shit happened to them. Maybe I can begin to understand myself too.
… but also I’m able to be more compassionate with myself… I am also awaiting an appointment to be assessed and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Don’t worry about the stigma, we don’t look at people with other illnesses and judge them. Some people may judge us but remind yourself that these are the people who probably need more help than us. No decent human would critize someone with an illness… alos I feel like your sister may have only been trying to help you better understand what is going on with you, try and remember it is also hard for family members to see their family members unwell and hurting them self with addiction. I honestly hope that you can better know now how to go about getting appropriate treatment to help cope with your BPD. You will survive and be so much stronger.
