So I need some advice. My boyfriends ex reached out to me seeing if she could make her amends for wreckage and pain she has caused in my relationship in the past. I am almost 6 months sober, she has almost a year. I have been asking my HP for sogns and guidance in these online meetings because she has been popping up in my regular meetings that she normally wouldn’t be at because she doesn’t live local. That has been impeding my recovery so I’ve been trying to get out of self and listen to the message.
A little back story - I met my current BF in rehab in January 2018 - we had an instant connection and ended up befriending each other and confiding in one another. I was in a horrible marriage and in the process of plotting my escape and he was having relationship problems (he was dating his ex at the time). Nothing happened and we were just friends, however I relapsed and was so ashamed that I stopped going to rehab and then my ex deleted his number from my phone so I never talked to him since. One year later, January 2019, I was divorced and went back to rehab and there he was, my current bf. I was awestruck and elated and thought it was fate - I was instantly in love. We talked during the first break on my first day back - he had broken up with his ex. We immediately started dating. She wouldn’t leave him alone once she found out he was dating me and kept saying she wanted him back. This went on for a long time, and during this last year he had relapsed a couple times and each time would text and call her. Well he was in the wrong too - but I was also pregnant with his child and the girl still didn’t have boundaries. She created a lot of turmoil by manipulating him and threatening suicide so he would talk to her (I would look through his phone and see the messages). He never said anything bad, but occasionally would say he missed her. Well, last they talked was right before Xmas - his last relapse - and I had gotten a DUI and kicked out of my SLE. We ended up homeless the month of January 2020 and somehow sobered up after a short week long stint. We got our shit together that month and got an apartment, new jobs, had a baby. He blocked her number and everything on social media. He has not talked to her since.
Advice I need - he doesn’t bring her up, and doesn’t seem phased she is in some of our meetings and clearly seems committed to our family - but I’m wondering if I should tell him I talked with her and that she wants to make an amends to me or if that would confuse him at this point. Could I talk to her and just not tell him right now?
I personally would tell him. Otherwise it’ll always feel like a secret. Honesty is always the best policy. You’re on solid ground now and he was/is involved deeply in the history of you two/three, I guess.
I am not in AA so this may be way off the mark, but some things that came to my mind…
First, do you want to talk to her right now? Do you feel like talking to her would benefit you? It is ok if you don’t. Her amends aren’t your responsibility.
In terms of telling your bf I suppose I would ask why you are questioning whether you should tell him - what are you worried about? I think honesty is usually the best policy but there may be a good reason for thinking about what information you share and when.
I have to agree with the being honest part. Secrets keep us sick. Doesn’t mean you have to tell him everything that is said, just that stuff is being said.
However! I agree with @siand about the being ready part. If this is causing stress in you and could possibly cause stress in your relationship, is it really worth it right now? Your first priority is YOU. Then your family, then everything else. You don’t have to listen to her amends right now. If she needs to get them out, she can write you a letter and keep it until you are ready. If she can’t respect this, then she is still being manipulative and self centered.
Her recovery is hers, your recovery is yours. Protect yourself like your life depends on it, because in reality it does.
I agree with @Meggers completely. This person has bombarded your relationship from the start and not respected your boundaries. You’ve been through a lot and are just finding some solid ground in your family and sobriety. Don’t jeopardise this by creating new secrets or even giving this woman room to cause new drama. Which in some way she kinda already is, since you’re questioning yourself and what you should do. Take the time to ask yourself what benefits you and your sobriety and decide from thst. The version where she writes a letter and gives it to you when you are ready to read it seems very fair to me.
Also, just my personal hunch, but: she was still in touch with the father of your child over Xmas last, while you were very pregnant and she already had 6 months sobriety. It seems a bit sudden she wants to make amends now when just six months ago she was still trying to have contact with him. Dunno. Seems a bit arbitrary to me. 🤷
Whenever you do, don’t let your sobriety be impeded, guard it with all your senses!
Yeah. Or even: while normally making amends should enable you to go on with your life, somehow she’s making it so that by seemingly wanting to make amends she’s found a way to stay in your life. Smells fishy to me.
Step 9. Made direct amends to such people whenever possible. Except when to do so will injure them or others.
What needs to be understood is that if she is on the 9th step then this is supposed to be for you. Not her. I personally trust the process and have to believe that is her intention here. Because if she is on step 9, with a sponsor, then she has put much time and action into being in the place of making amends.
So for starters, I suggest you ask if she is on step 9 with a sponsor. That will tell you where she is at. Whether this is genuine, or if she is just trying to make herself feel better about the rotten shit she has done.
What else needs to be understood here is that when we are working the 12 steps and we are doing our 9th, that we are not asking for forgiveness. Yes, that is nice when we get it. But that is not the end goal.
So you being the one that is presented the amends are under no obligation here. You can take the amends or not.
It’s real important to find out if she is doing this with a sponsor or not. Then if you are going to entertain this, find out from her what her sponsor suggest she do in this sensitive subject.
Thank you for this advice. It actually makes me feel a lot better. Part of me wants to move forward hear the amends and put it away, but I do have my insecurities and think she might still be in selfish thinking and has an ulterior motive. I’ll tell her kindly that I’m not ready and maybe we can revisit the topic when I am at my 9th step.
Idj, I don’t seed a problem with letting her talk. It’s her 9th step not yours. And let your bf know. Not what she says but that she wants to make amends. None of his biz why. Enjoy Your baby.
