Tomorrow marks 2 weeks since I had relapsed and two weeks seems to be the longest stretch I can go these days without giving into the insane temptation to have drink or some other mind altering substance. This two weeks has been a roller coaster of feelings and experiences.
I’ve been rejected by some and embraced by others, both former reasons I’d give way to drinking.
Old feelings that I’ve successfully drown are floating to the surface and resurrecting themselves at the most inopportune times. Sleep is still hit and miss and the dreams are mostly lucid nightmares. Tension at home is harder to diffuse and ignore, and the seeds of justifications to drink have sprouted and are looking for a place to take root.
Work doesn’t help. The numbers I crushed show reason to celebrate and the farm I work on begins happy hour at around 3pm.
HOWEVER, I don’t miss some of the friends that I’ve lost now that I’m more sober than ever and I don’t want to loose the friends I’ve gained. The rate that I’m bouncing back physically I know will unravel just as fast if I give into this mental struggle.
I’ve gone back and re-read all the encouragement I’ve given to others who’ve been where am I am now trying to avoid temptation; “drink water”, “snort some b vitamins”, “meditate”, “distract yourself”, “have some sugar”, “get some exercise”, “kava”… I did it all and the mental craving is still there so I’m going to do something that I’ve never done before, accept and embrace it.
I’m not even going to waste my energy fighting it, I’m going to just walk away. Is it there taunting me, yes. Is it too loud for me to ignore, yes. Am I going to listen to it?! Hells no! You can’t always meditate or think your way out of a cancerous situation and there’s not always going to be a pink cloud carrying you from milestone to milestone. I’m an addict, I’ve wired my brain to avoid pain and struggle and in doing so missed connecting to some majorly import coping skills.
So, what to do when you’ve tried everything else? Suck it up and just keep going
I will make it to day 14 because of the new mantra I live by, “I’m a f*cking Unicorn” (thanks for the inspiration, @Success) and I’m going to make it to day 42 (the mathematical equation for a rainbow) because even though some people don’t believe in me, i believe in myself. I’ve transcended a lot the past few weeks and now its time to transcend myself pick up my horn and sparkle on.
Hi, my name is Dominique, and I’m a f*cking Unicorn and I stab wolves with my horn.
keep your chin up, no unicorn should be sad for too long it’s just not right 
(I know it’s a horse, but I haven’t got a unicorn!) 
and my inner 
to have ‘just a couple’ which of course doesn’t stop after that…