My kids, especially 20 year old boy, are horrible at times, smashing things, shouting , and living rent free, he can be lovely, but today everything is coming to a head, i get put down a lot, ive put up with it due to the childhood the had, they were put into foster care, but i cant change the past, and have tried, but im jumpy in my own home
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So sorry you are going through this. Are they willing to do some counseling, maybe as a family group with you? Sounds like they need to work out some issues. Sending you some hugs and strength.
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Thankyou, i would be willing to try, just not great, im ataying sober, but the past will have to be talked about, no one is well so this is adding to it x
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Try this
When someone acts up, including myself, i out us all in silent mode for about 15 minutes
I always say that no one gets to talk to each other negatively.
For us, it works
I hear you. Nobody wants to revisit painful memories, yet we struggle with letting the past go. The important thing is you are staying sober. I like the time out idea @Lisab3 mentioned. If the kids aren’t willing to time out, you can. Sending you love and peace.
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In my sobriety I have learned that I had married an extremely abusive man because that’s what I was used to with my mother. I had boundary issues because they were messed up from birth. Divorced him after 20 years of it and lived with my sons and daughter. But the chaos continued with alcohol because, again, no boundaries and the comfort with an unhealthy environment. I actually moved out of the house and left my adult sons there. I worked on peace with myself, in my life, and my environment after sobriety. It’s beautiful. Two of my sons moved back in and GUESS WHAT?! They loved it so much, one is sober now and the other just doesn’t bother-he likes the peace 
sobriety isn’t an automatic OK everything is better… it still takes a bit of work AND time to fix"us." It’s ok to back it up and make a plan of action for peace in your life. Remember the boundaries too. Definitely take advantage of counseling, as stated above. You don’t have to do it alone! Sending strength and insight 
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So sorry that you’re all in this position. It is really hard to understand each other and our experiences especially when no one is able to accurately express how or what their feeling, feel safe to do so, or just don’t have the capacity to understand what is happening inside ourselves.
Communication is definitely vital, but everyone has to be in the right frame of mind and willingness to do so.
One thing I learned is that as a parent I can’t JUST be my kids best friend. Also by trying to be their best friend and tip toe around them, they lack structure and boundaries. I had to put that need to have them like me aside and become a parent who just provided them with the best advice I could, firmly and positively. They needed to understand that I love them and want them to love me, but I love them by being the person who can guide them in healthy ways while keeping boundaries and structure.
It sounds like there is a lot of pain and lack of trust in this situation. If this was my position, I like to admit my ownership in it while explaining without great detail why it happened to me, while not making excuses for my behaviour. After doing so, I would then try to summarize my understanding of their feelings, and at the end ask them if I’m understanding correctly… Giving them time to share exactly how they’ve been impacted and are feeling. During these times there are no interruptions, no excuses or reasoning behind actions. It’s like The Lord of the Flies, when someone has the conch they have the floor uninterrupted. The others need to listen intently and should have the ability to ask questions afterwards.
Counselling or group settings would definitely be a great place to support and encourage this.
Most importantly for me, I need to remember that I can’t change the past. I can only do better in this current moment, because that fosters positive change in the future.