Well I am new to all this and yes I mean , a few things . Addiction, sobriety, relapse, depression, failing , winning. Literally loosing everything. Most of all when I look in the mirror I have no idea who that women is . Let me start this way . I guess you could say this is my confession or something like that. I had a great job, kids, house , husband , cars . You know the American dream that everyone talks about but either not happy with it or want more . Was also in the ministry for recovery. I partied when I was younger but stopped no issues . Haven’t touched hard drugs in over 20 years. I would eat an edible every now and then. Microdosed a full two months best thing I ever did. Then I at first said there was several traumatic events that occurred within a short span of time and I just lost it and snapped . The reality was my life sucked !! Out on the fake image for the church my husband was a womanizing, cheating , lying , abusive narcissists. Who literally blamed me for all his wrongs the kids wrongs and my own . Then my daughter we found out was extremely mentally ill . She hurts a kid the family sued me . She has to go to a facility that insurance won’t cover so I pawn and sell everything and go broke . In the background, I dealing alone I ask for help told I am strong and pray . Guess what gid told me to tell you to go f yourself ! Faith without works is dead . Yes I did say that, I am sticking to I was high . Anyway I was in pain management for 8 years. The perks got less and less effective, so I started buying from others I knew in pain management. Well I got the blue 30mg that in know now contain fentanyl. I was doing about 10 a day there towards the end . Well I nodded out while driving and at my desk and I freaked . Well a friend offered me coke you now to help keep me awake. Sounds so bad as I write this and so damn long … So in April I was now on about 10 p a day and up to 400 worth of coke every two days. I finally had enough and just decided to die . To much of a whimp to use anything other then drugs . So I took 11 30 mg percs and did 600 worth of coke myself for 3 days no sleep , refused to eat I just wanted to die. I thought I was almost dead still not to sure , say my pillow sing me . I remember thinking though that this is not real that I am hallucinating and full of drugs and no sleep for 3 days . Then the last thing I remembered was a bright ass light in the corner of my room looked like it has wings and walked out of the wall . Told me I have way to much to do and I carry others trauma to heavy along with my own and nobody ever taught me self love or boundaries. I woke up two days later and started the process of detoxing myself from both substances alone and from my bed . I do not wish this for anyone not even my worst enemy. I was so far gone I didn’t know reality from non reality. I tried to rip off my own skin when I was first going through withdrawal. Felt like something was in my body and trying to crawl out by digging through my skin. I was dumb and uneducated. I was hiding from my kids. My spouse I separated from he had our youngest daughter. I was definitely hiding from CSB who came out about ten times . I was hiding from the repo man and then the dealer because I failed at my attempt to destroy myself thank god . So he fronted me quit a bit and I had not even a roll of toilet paper in my house . I can buy drugs but can’t buy food or toilet paper I mean wtf. Any way I got clean alone and broken confused and pissed the bleep off because now I was sober you sober for 6 months and everyone wants to at the same time tr me everyday everything I said or did wrong while I was high . Constantly reminding me of how much of a loser I felt like. My own mom who was a severe alcoholic looked me in the face and said I have waited for this day since you where a kid, everyone always loved you more then me but I really knew you are a piece of shit and walked anyway still try to process that one . Anyway so I got a new job and was so excited then I started working 99 hours a week and no days off for two months and my brain did something to me I don’t know what it was I was ok for 6 months best every single urge and then bloop I got in my car drove to the area of shame and got what my brain convinced me I needed did this a couple times but I always got mad and flushed it or threw it at the wall . This time I dove all the way in it’s now two months and I still am not clean . I will quit for a couple days and then something snaps . Extremely sorry this is so long . I have held all this in and those around me make it vividly clear that I am not allowed to fail . So those whom say they love me are using manipulation tactics to scare me sober . Remember if you fail I will divorce you and get full custody you will have nothing and be homeless. My mom no I won’t help you , you f up so deal with it . Said nobody helped her but literally my grandfather was there all the way and me and my brother. Friends nope I have not a soul I can trust. So I am literally to a point i want sobriety and I’ want to go on a spiritual journey and heal so I can help others like me , especially thiose whom decide to detox themselves at home with nothing more than their own breath and sweat to remind themselves that their on there own and nobody is running to there aid in there most critical hour . My heart hurts just thinking about it . Nobody should have to go through that alone . Well that was my confession and now I have been up for a full 25/hr. I am going to restart my sobriety journey waking up tomorrow morning. Not looking forward to the crusty nose and everything smelling like onions and garlic. No idea why but that’s what I smell in withdrawal. I know i can do this but the real question is do I want to? Yes i don’t like who I am high and what I do and say and that I will literally stop at nothing until I get what my brain is screaming for. Maybe if I put that energy into something positive it will return with positive!
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It really sounds like you’ve been through a lot. 
hugs
I have severe religious trauma from being raised in that world so I understand the pain and confusion that comes with it.
You deserve a life of peace and calm. You deserve to show up for yourself.
What your mom said to you is absolutely uncalled for and I’m sorry she said those awful things. 
I hope when you wake up you show yourself some kindness and grace as you choose this path of sobriety. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself.
I know it’s no cake walk but there are a ton of programs out there that can help.
I haven’t been using any but I have been researching some as I think it’s time to explore that side of recovery myself.
You seem like you have a lot of passion and although you’ve been using it to self destruct, it can also be applied to the opposite end of the pendulum, to an enriching existence worth living and fighting for.
You can do this!
Everyone here wants to see you win 
You can do this. One minute, one hour, one day at a time. Go gently and softly. Getting some online meetings, recovery podcasts, anything recovery related playing in the background on repeat while I went through the worst helped for me. I detoxed from opiates/fent 18 years ago and never looked back. Alcohol has been another demon but I am here now and these wonderful folks help me daily.
We are here for you Jennifer. Reach out as you need us 
Hey I read this whole thing.
Yes there is a fkn point to doing all this.
If u wake up the next day and you can hear the electricity in the walls, and everything tastes and smells like sickness, so be it.
You’ve been through this before, and this time it will be easier once u commit.
Can’t you see that your life has given you so much wisdom? It’s not for nothing.
Every strong character has a shitty back story. I hope you realize the strength within you.
Give yourself a hug please. Wrap your arms around yourself and let yourself know that you love you, and you will take care of you.
Sounds like uve been through the wars stay strong
I read this too. It does sound like a small slice of hell. The thing I’ve realized over the years is that people who have gone through adversity tend to come out changed and better for it. You’re here and know what needs to be done.
Maybe start off trying to imagine what you want life to look like. Guessing not this. But it’s comfortable. You know what you’re getting. The brain likes things nice and predictable. You’re dealing with powerful drugs. This is a big deal.
You’re still breathing. Still here. We’re glad you shared your story and I’m sure it’ll help others. Even if it’s not your thing, online NA meetings are available and free. All kinds of wonderful YouTube videos with stories, inspiration, motivation.
Decide to change. It’s so much more than putting the junk down but you know this. Keep posting!