I feel completely broken today. But I don’t feel weak.
524 days. That’s how long I have been fighting for my life back. 524 days of having to prove myself to this person or that person. Lawyers, CPS, family, friends, coworkers. I finally thought I had my feet on solid ground. I have fought and clawed and worked so hard, everyday is a battle. Depression and anxiety and nightmares and self doubt. Worthlessness. I thought I was finally reaching the surface. I had hope. I had a glimpse of happiness. I thought I had finally got myself out of the hole I had dug myself into. And out of nowhere it all caved in. Now I feel like I’m suffocating. It’s crazy how so much can change in one day. My whole life just kinda came crashing down yesterday. And I feel like I can’t breath. Have you ever just had a moment when you let the pain just consume you. It hurts and it’s hard. But I think I’ll sit with it. Absorb it. Maybe I’ll learn whatever lesson I’m supposed to be learning. Maybe I can figure out how I keep getting here. I feel completely broken today. But this time I’ll put the pieces back differently. I feel broken. But not weak. I will get through this and I will find my way in this world. 524 days to what feels like square one again. But this time I’ll do it different. Day 525 might be different. If not there’s always 526.
Sorry for my very “dear diary” like post. I guess I just needed to get it out.
(I didn’t relapse) it was an option. It was there for the taking. I walked away.
See that’s kinda the biggest problem right now. I finally did accept the help that was offered. And it screwed me in a huge way. Rug for pulled. And I ended up flat on my ass. All because I accepted help and I was once again shown It was a mistake.
I get that and as far as my sobriety and such I’m leaps and bounds ahead. As far as my strength and my ability to feel the pain without falling apart. Way ahead I’m talking more technically. Job. Home. Location. Security kind of things.
I get that. I’m working on separation… I know there are good people that won’t screw me over. But man it all came crashing down when 3 people I trusted all messed me up at the same time. Any one of the issues would have been manageable. Any 2 if the issues would have been manageable. But all 3 just broke me… not because of the betrayal or disappointment… but because I’m seriously unsure how I fix this. I mean I had plan A. B. And C. And they all were gone. And I’m like free falling but hey where there’s nothing to do just enjoy the ride.
Every sing ends, is that any reason not to enjoy the music
Thanks girl. I appreciate it.
Your a warrior! You are a survivor!
Most important! You didn’t relapse!
I know your path has been difficult. Keep going! You got this!
Been there many times in my 56 years, and I’m sure I’ll be there again before my walk in this life ends.
I have learned that burying it doesn’t work well, and wallowing in it doesn’t work well either. What I do is acknowledge it, process it, and allow myself a pre-defined amount of time to live in it, but not a moment more. Be it disappointment, grief, sorrow, anger…
Lose a job? I’ll give myself exactly one week to be pissed, or hurt, or worried, and then I’ll set about finding the next job.
Loss of a loved one? Depending on the relationship, a week or a month, and then my life must move forward.
How? I think about sailing ships. Sometimes they have fair winds, following seas, and the wind is at their backs. Full sail, making best speed. Sometimes they’re sailing in a storm, wind and waves coming straight at them. They shorten the sail, keeping the bow into the waves, making little zig-zags called “tacking”. They don’t sail through the storm, really. They more so stay where they are, and let the storm pass.
I am sorry that you are experiencing this set-back. It doesn’t negate all of the victories you’ve won these past 525 days…not one bit. Take a moment to think on this, so you don’t get pushed backwards, and are ready to run with the wind when it is once more at your back. And it will be at your back again, soon enough.
Thanks man! That’s the plan… just waiting for everything to settle so I can see clearly and make smart choices.
Hey Kayla I just wanted to jump on here and say that you are heard and I see you!! Like everyone has stated already we’re here for you and we’re proud of you!!! Life is fucked sometimes and sometimes it comes in rapid succession or all at once. I get it and the pains unbearable at times but just like you’re doing, you keep going. Excellent job reaching out to vent and excellent job on staying sober!!!
Hey thanks man! I appreciate it. Keep on keeping on right?
Enjoy the music
You’re welcome and yep!!!