Didn’t do anything stupid. Just got really drunk and blacked out at the end of the night. I had fun, but I still always feel bad because I knew I was going to black out. There is always a forboding feeling I get before an event that indicates this for me.
I’m being really hard on myself right now. This sucks and now I’m having to go back to sleep to sleep off the hangover a little before I can jump back into the events today. Which means I’m missing out on some things this morning.
The wedding was beautiful, regardless and I’m still overwhelmed with joy, just feeling crummy that I got wasted when I planned on being sober.
Guess this is my “sobering” moment to evaluate what I need to do from here on out.
If I’m being totally honest, I dont feel like I’m 100% ready to quit drinking all together even if I want to be sober so badly. And that is the most bothersome part because I really need to be sober to have a functional life.
Its hard
If you’re not 100% ready to stop drinking, then I believe you’ll continue to set yourself up for failure. And if sobriety was easy, everyone would do it 
If you still are not ready to quit, and the fun parts of drinking outweigh the negative, then why are you here? For me, blacking out was embarrassing and it saddened me to think that I believed I needed to get that way to have fun. Too bad you’re missing out on some events this morning. I got sick of missing things because I was hungover. I don’t believe that truly happy and secure people need to drink or do drugs to have fun. You sound like you’re at a place that I was about a year ago- it took a few more shitty nights and blackouts and hangovers for me to realize that there’s literally not one good thing about alcohol. I have way more fun, and enjoy life much more now that I am sober. I am guessing you’re in a bit of denial of how bad your problem with alcohol is, if you ended up on a sober forum hungover, but are still trying to convince yourself that drinking is still fun and you don’t want to give it up…
I think I worded my thoughts incorrectly. I guess what I was trying to say is that I want to be sober and I know I can, ive done it for an entire year last round, but there is still a part of me that is hanging on right now and I just cant seem to shake it off and commit! I want sobriety, I just need to find my lost purpose. Obviously I’m on this forum because I need help.
This hopefully was my wakeup call. With my particular mental illness I cant use alcohol. Its just plain stupid to drink with my medication and I suffer mentally for it big time.
I’m really sorry about your relapse I’ve been thinking g about you and wondered how the wedding went, I’m glad you updated. You said you were sober for a year before did you do any treatment? Like inpatient, intensive outpatient or outpatient? Counseling? If not I highly suggest a treatment program along with aa or whatever was working before.
Thank you. I started going to therapy again this last month. I should have scheduled an appointment before the wedding because I kind of saw this coming. My psych nurse has been counseling me on it too but unfortunately I see her once every 2 months.
I thinking a program might have to happen. I dont have a lot of solid support at home. Boyfriend is a drinker himself. What a mess…
When do you see your therapist next? And are you in the PNW? I live in Oregon and from my limited research it seems as though there are many recovery options available for people.
I see her this upcoming Thursday. Thank goodness. She probably knows of programs. Last time I saw her, I was 12 days sober, on a pink cloud, and planned on continuing that through the wedding events.
At the first sight of stress and low self esteem, I caved easily.
I’m thinking I’m going to need to find outpatient services again. I did well with that last time.
I miss feeling good. I miss sobriety. Most of all, I miss having my mental wellbeing on point.
Sorry for the pity party, but as the fog clears I’m finally seeing how messed up my actions have been.
I’m glad you see your therapist soon, anyway you can do iop this time instead of outpatient? I see my counselor once a week as well as iop and did rehab before iop. Best decision I ever made! The boyfriend stuff doesn’t need to be finalized right now, but you do need to protect yourself. You’re at a vulnerable stage and being around that right now isn’t going to help you. Did you only do outpatient last time sober? Or did you do meetings too?
I cant do inpatient. The past outpatient program was more geared to my mental disability but it worked well with the drinking.
I spent a good portion of my morning safety planning with my mom. Feeling better about moving forward.
Thanks for the support. It means a lot to me.
I’ll be researching AA meets in my area. 
Alcohol and my medication made blackouts happen more often and with less alcohol. Sometimes I would not remember what happened even after only having 2 drinks the night before. It took me a while to admit that was a major contribution to my messy life, not being able to remember conversations I had or promises I made or people I met. I had many people come up and start talking to me at the bar like they knew me and it confused several people that I was introducing myself and asking their name. I had met them several times already! So fucking embarrassing. Medication for mental illness and alcohol definitely do not go well together.
Awesome! This is a great group of people who all have the same goal. I had to ask, because being luke warm about sobriety is dangerous. I know from experience because once the fog lifts from the hangover, and the feelings of shame subside it is very easy to pick up a drink again. I have had to reset my timer on here many times, so I am speaking from my own experiences. I’ve done a lot of reading on sobriety, and connected with many of these awesome people here and this time is different for me. I’ve also started a fitness program and that has really helped. Relapsing super sucks, I’ve been there before. I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder which also does not fare well with alcohol- so I am right here with you!! 
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I just turned 30. Although I wasnt a partier until college, my abusive love affair with alcohol began at 16. My first ever party party and I blacked out and lost my virginity as well as a grip of other embarassments. It was quite the preview for the last 10 years of my life!
My mom and brother are the same. The 3 of us just cannot drink. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but I need to get over the fact that I need to say goodbye to alcohol forever.
I’ll definitely look into reading that book! Thank you so much.
You want to be “sober so badly”, but not sure if you are 100% sure you are ready to quit. This was me…looking back…that 100% not sure if I want to quit was the parasitic voice in my head trying to keep me drinking. I wish I would have ignored that little voice years ago.
So true! That negative voice in my head is what derailed me from a year of sobriety.
When the pain of drinking becomes worse than the pain of not drinking everything becomes much easier to accept. You don’t have to feel like you are giving up anything because the pain of that drink makes sobriety the better option. Knowing you “have” to quit, for your job, health, family, etc is only temporary. Because once those things our back we have given ourselves an excuse to go back out. Once we have smashed the illusion of every drinking safely we can move forward and learn how to function in sobriety.
Learn from some of us old people’s stories. Stop before you hit bottom. We are all here to help.
Why are you apologizing? We’ve all either been where you are or are currently where you are. I have dozens of times that I tried to quit, but thinking that somehow I wasn’t worth sobriety was one of my biggest mental obstacles. Let me ask you this, what’s the thing that you’re most afraid of? How did your drinking affect that fear?
Thanks for sharing!
Sounds to me like your disease is talking to you big time! Telling you, youre not ready… Hell it took me 5 years of hell and misery before I threw in the towel. I just dont want the same for you. I dont want you to have to go through what I did… and that was a lot of pain, shame, guilt, trouble, hurt, humiliation, etc. You name any bad feeling, that’s what I felt. Drugs and alcohol took me away from me. I wasnt my true self when using. Drugs and alcohol took my soul, stomped on it, spit on it, gave it back, and I accepted that… I went right back to using… so what are you willing to do differently to stay sober? Willing being the key word. I was once told, as long as 51% wants to stay sober the other 49% can want to use. You dont have to be 100% to stop and stay stopped… hell you said so yourself, you need to stop. Take it one day at a time. You can do this, but 51% of you has to want it also. Have you tried working a recovery program? Try something different! I can’t stress that enough… get some sober support… dont give up before the miracle happens!
Thank you. I found an AA meeting that works with my work schedule and I’m going to bite the bullet and go. I chickened out so many times last time I was sober but I think I’m ready.