I have been in a relationship for twelve years. I was emotionally abused for about seven of those years. I was yelled at, screamed at, and have had pretty much any insult you could think of thrown at me. I’ve been publicly humiliated. I was shoved out of our bed, I was kicked and locked out of our apartment (thankfully not for long). I was made to feel incredibly pathetic and stupid for years on end. I was constantly threatened with the relationship ending so many times that I’m terrified to be without my boyfriend. And, even though I am no longer being emotionally abused, I feel as though I am stuck, or trapped in the past. All of these things broke me down so badly, that I became an alcoholic. The crazy physically and mentally abusive kind. I am traumatized by what my boyfriend did to me over a period of years, and traumatized because of the nasty and horrible things I’d say blacked out, along with physical violence.
I feel like I just don’t even know how to describe how much pain I am in. I never expected to be hurt the way I was, and I never expected I would also become the person who hurt me. I don’t know how, or even if, I can forgive myself for the things I’ve done. I don’t know how to forgive him for the many years of abuse. And I don’t know how to love myself after everything I have been through. I’m scared I’m never going to be able to turn my life around and that I’m stuck in this pit of anger and sadness.
Soon, I will be leaving to go get help from family. I don’t know if my relationship will survive. And it really scares me to think that the twelve years I spent with this man may have been wasted. He was my best friend. We’ve had the same interests, the same sense of humor, and we talk about things that not many regular folks do. And he’s the only man that I find attractive. But he’s also a huge factor as to why I may have C-PTSD.
I still love him… and I don’t want the relationship to end, even though it very well may. I’m scared I’m going to end up alone, or worse. My parents aren’t going to live forever and they’re in their 70s. I never went to college for a degree, and I may have to figure out how to get on disability because I can’t think well enough to hold a job.
I have looked into trauma bonding. And I do believe I am traumatically bonded to him. And I am physically leaving to go get some help from family to at least battle my alcohol addiction. As for therapy… that’s going to be a bit harder for me to get access to. But I will be looking into that as well.
I’m deeply afraid to leave the relationship. I know it may be the best thing I could do for myself. And in a way, these few months that I will be taking to recover, I am kind of hoping it will make me not want to go back to him. The thought of starting over though… the wasted time. It’s just all hard to accept.
I understand where you’re coming from. My story isn’t to different from yours.
It’s not wasted time if you start to get the help you need and starts to heal from it. You can always start over and do something better, and get the good life you deserve.
Of course you’re afraid of leaving new things are scary for all of us. And a lot of abuse relationships is built on exactly that, fear.
It’s true that our parents doesn’t live forever. And it’s true that you might miss him. Most of the times we do want to go back to the things we are familiar with. But that doesn’t mean that those things are good for us, and that we should go back.
I’m sure you’ll find that are not as alone as you think you are. You also have an entire online community here to back you up.
Those feelings you have about all this is really difficult to manage. And that’s why I’m saying that a therapist can be a good idea.
Maybe there’s some online therapy that’s available for you?
Hi, I’ve read recently that if a person is able to overcome traumatic experiences, that leads to post traumatic growth, something that can be visible in brain scans. This is basically proof, that you will become stronger, if you chose to heal! So these years with him won’t be wasted at all. They can all be a valuable learning experience
That said, I’ve also read that one of the requirements of recovering from trauma means to get out of the traumatic situation first, in your case, leave that person.
I was reading basic trauma literature the last few days because Im dealing with my own, and have also been to therapy for other past traumatic events. I’m really glad for my therapist because I could heal from my childhood abuse through her, and I’m sure, you could also benefit from one.
No matter what, you’re already strong for choosing to go sober (yay!) and changing your life situation so keep it up!
