I am almost 5 months sober and lately I have been missing that warm, carefree, everything is all sunshine and butterflies feeling you get when you take your first few shots. (I’m aware this is a short feeling of bliss and goes down hill very fast)
Another issue I have is that I have always loved the kind of drunk I got when I first started drinking. That was a feeling I continuously would chase when I was drinking. Eventually I realized I have drank for too long that I now go from feeling buzzed to blacking out and I will not experience that euphoric feeling again. I keep telling myself a few hours of feeling good is not going to be worth it when I wake up tomorrow. I would be so mad at myself.
Lastly, I am a very shy person. I not only enjoy the feeling I get when I drink but I enjoy the confidence booster and the way it helps me socialize. I would have never been in my last relationships if it wasn’t for alcohol. I get too nervous to meet people and always back out of plans. I have not done ANYTHING socially since my last drink which was in August. I am getting so bored and want to form new relationships but I am afraid if I do I will drink to ease the anxiety or if I choose not to drink I will cancel plans. HELPPPPP
This sounds more to a cry of I want more out of life. Activities friends hobbies etc more than I need a drink. Your mind is tricking you into falling back into bad habits to achieve your ultimate goal. You can’t possibly have fun or be out there without it… You absolutely can. You don’t need it. Altho yes alcohol might of made you ‘feel’ you could do these things, it was still you and you can still do it without. You don’t need that courage from a bottle. Start small and build your confidence, smile at people more, go pet a dog and talk to the owner. It’s funny how little things like that will build you up socially and feel like wow I did that till you can go to the bigger things. Your doing great and breaking your streak will knock your confidence tenfold X
I felt the same after 6 months and within 2 weeks i was back to square one, anxiety, depressed, arguing and picking arguments with hubby upsetting kids, not knowing wnat i did what i said, being sick, horrible skin, messy house being unhygenic, its not worth it, that is the AV trying to drag you back to hell.
Hey gal! Congrats on 5 months. It may be time to push yourself to get out of comfort zone. Do you have any sober friends? Groups that support your recovery? It’s not just about “not drinking”. Recovery is a whole new way of life that’s gifted to us when we get sober.
TW: Playing the tape forward, please flag if too graphic
2 things I can relate to:
Chasing that feeling of the first few drunks when you were carefree and not morose and full of anxiety at the end of the binge. There is a reason for this. You are no longer a cucumber dipping your toes into brine for a taste. You are now a pickle. You have sucked all the fun out of drinking until just the sour bile remains. You can’t find that first happy drunk, it has happened and it is gone. Alcoholism will keep you chasing it though, hence my second point.
Romanticizing that first drink. I do it to. The trick is to look beyond that first drink. Picture your first drink and picture drinking it (probably very quickly), I like to picture myself at a bar, it helps later. Then order your second, probably also quickly. Keep picturing yourself until you get to the slurring stage (4-6ish for me). Picture yourself cashing out, driving home and picking up a bottle. Picture yourself explaining your lapse to a loved one (probably angrily) and continuing your binge. Picture your hangover the next day.
It’s the first one that gets you. If you can avoid it, you can avoid all the rest too. I hope this wasn’t too graphic I just wanted you to feel understood. Addicts are addicts the world around. If you can talk yourself out of that first one that is half the battle.
Realizing that I had crossed the line from someone who wondered if I was an alcoholic to someone who knows they cannot drink has made all the difference. I can’t control my 2nd, 4th or 12th drink so I won’t have that first one.
Being social is a skill. If you have always relied on alcohol then you need to practice. It may take a little time. But it find that if I don’t drink then I can actually remember previous conversations and refer back to the things people talked about. As I have not spent my own free time blacked out or hungover I have things to talk about, TV dramas I have watched, news I have seen. Confidence will grow, I promise.
I can totally relate. Especially the social part just think of it this way, when you have a new relationship without alcohol it will be all much better!
Read The Power of Now, might help you look at things different. Not drinking didn’t make me everything I needed to be to survive the day, it helped but I needed a program and some good reading. BTW 99% of the world live in fear of what ifs, the other 1% aren’t scared to fail. Fake it till you make it, go meet some people and see what happens. No one is judging you more than yourself so don’t believe your own hype, we’re really not that special TBH and once we realize the universe doesn’t revolve around us it’s a lot easier to be ourselves when we’re not carrying about all that responsibility.
I can relate to your whole post, drugs and alcohol created a persona that I felt fit in nicely with the rest of society. I was funny, I was skinny, I was social, I was sexy, I was uninhibited. I could, work and date and party like a rock star while seeing no end to the amount of fun I was having. My truth is that I had no fucking morals, I lived by no values, I was abandoning myself, I was full of self loathing and nobody actually knew me because I didnt even know myself. There was never really any years of “fun” for me, I was a black out drinker from the first time I drank and smashed a mickey of Southern Comfort @13. I wasnt using to have fun I was using to get out of my feelings, because I am an addict and thats what addiction is, a disease of the feelings. We just dont know what the hell to do with them.
My suggestion to you is to surround yourself with as many other people with this disease who are in recovery as you can. As soon as I found a solid group in Narcotics Anonymous my life changed dramatically. My social game sky rocketed and the best part is I am social with a bunch of other socially akward people who also suffer with this disease, they get me!!! There are not enough days in the week for me to be able to do all the things I am invited to or that are just available to attend. Seriously, facing my fear and getting my butt to NA was the best thing I ever did for my life.
I relate 100% and I’m also at almost 5 months sober. I used to romanticize that first glass of wine and that loose, relaxed feeling. BUT when did I ever stop at one or two? Almost never. I’m also introverted and shy. BUT when I broke out of my shell and over shared and made an ass of myself it made that behaviour so much harder for me to deal with later on (cue hanxiety and depression). I have found through many experiments with sobriety that I can be social without alcohol. I can be fun and silly and dance on tables and still be in control. One you break out of that shell you will find that you don’t need alcohol. Try some social experiments. Let loose, dance sober. You can do this
