Im lying in my bed after a 4 day bender ,i have had to force myself to even write this post ,2 days lost work my 20 yr old son hating me the look in his eyes ,im sick of this rollercoaster, what is wrong with me ,i keep making bad decisions, basically i dont want to be a alcoholic so along the way it creeps into my thoughts that i can have a drink again ,it very seldom turns out good ,maybe 1 or 2 successful occasions the rest and im back to square one, i dont know why i feel this way sometimes i just want to tell everyone im a alcoholic as then i would really be admitting it rather than it being my secret ,as if that would make it more real to me ,i do good for a few weeks then go of the rails again and i hate myself for it ,why cant i just accept what i am ,ive just finished reading alcohol explained and im going to use the tools he suggested, im really just unloading because ive not been successful at beating this im really struggling at this moment in time ,i must be doing something wrong to let this voice convince me that a drink would be good as i know its not but i still go and do it anyway
Hey Maggie. Sorry to hear you’re struggling! You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re trying to avoid working on it and you’re going back out to drink because that’s what we do. Us alcoholics that is.
Maybe its time to spend some time in your head figuring out what the reasons are why you don’t want to identify with being an alcoholic Is there a strong stigma around it in your family of origin or current circle? Conflict with your self image? What’s going on?
As long as this prevents you from working a program or decidating your life to your sobriety (these things are what ppl do and they would keep you sober just like anyone else if you did them), you’re stuck in the same place.
Alcohol has no value. It’s dangerous at this point for you cos you have developed an addiction. No, you can’t have one, you’ll always want 50 drinks. And itll always end bad. The one or two “successes” really don’t matter, they are just bartered time, delusion and an expression of how much you’re not willing to let go of the drink.
You need to become willing to let go of it. You still want it more than not. When this balance will tip, you’ll get sober. What can you do to get there?
I cant speak for him but im pretty sure its not you that he hates its what the alcohol is doing to you and wants his mother back, to me…youve got to start admitting that u are powerless over alcohol once and for all…if u dont want the label of alcoholic then admit that you definitely have an alcohol problem, theres no shame in it theres plenty of us about but youve got to come out of denial, us alcoholics cant have just one drink- ever
While your lying there…give Allen Carrs easy way a listen, it helped me loads
Hey there. I’m sorry you’re struggling. From what you wrote, it sounds like you have been just “trying not to drink”. For an alcoholic, that doesn’t go very well, bc the addiction will always win. It will end up making an excuse, telling us just one and then…boom we drink again. What is stopping you from saying exactly what you said above? Declare that you are an alcoholic…bring it into the light of day and let the people around you KNOW. Then go about actually starting to recover. See a therapist, join a sobriety group (AA, SMART, dharma recovery, women in sobriety etc) . Shift from “trying not to drink” to “actively engaging in your recovery”. If what you’re doing isn’t working….you have to do SOMETHING ELSE. good luck. 
Thanks for the reply, i just feel so stupid for letting this creep back in on me for not listening enough for being a slow learner or not wanting to accept, its not for not putting in the time i watch and read alot of stuff i will watch that one too ,i just feel really disappointed in myself like everyone can see how pathetic ive became, i need to put more time and effort into putting a stop to the urges to drink ,ive got the tools im just not using them ,i think loneliness is a big factor ,you can have people all around but still feel very lonely, i think i need to work on myself more stop feeling negative and go back to regular meetings
Yes there is alcoholism in my family, in a way i do want to be honest about why i cant drink i know im a alcoholic i just cant control it ,im just concerned that people would look on me with pity or maybe not want to know me ,ive got lots of thoughts going round in my head mostly negative, i just want to get a grip on this i know i can do it its just keeping it in my mind that one drink will always lead to the next
I’ve was on that treadmill for so long that I can skip leg day indefinitely. I knew I had a problem with alcohol and I’d wake up sick from a hangover saying “never again” only to drink later that day. For years, I was wanting to quit. Slowly I noticed that all the reasons I drank, )the fun enhancer, the stress reducer, the sleeping aide), well, it quit working. It was no longer fun, the stress compounded and sleep, while physically unconscious, wasn’t quality by any means.
I was an alcoholic, but I kept doing it, day after day, year after year. It wasn’t fun anymore, and hadn’t been in a long time.
I flirted with longer stints of sobriety but it wasn’t until I changed my relationship with alcohol that I was able to see results.
This is what worked for me, maybe there’s some value in that for you. 
Honestly, there’s no need or value to think that far ahead, just focus on the here and now, the things you can control. What do you need to do be sober for the next hour, the next 4 hours, for the rest of the day. One day at time is all you need to focus on, the rest will come when that day gets here, you can deal with it then.
Yeah that describes me to a T. Especially in the past, my negative self talk was just all there was in my head. Through years of therapy I’ve got hold of some things, a better relationship with myself. Sobriety has made that possible.
The ppl who won’t want to know you are not worth knowing Maggie. You are valuable and a good person and who doesn’t care to know that well good riddance. You can’t focus on them. Or anyone for that matter, but on yourself now. So that you can do what is right for you. You deserve to get better, to get some control and stability in your life and relationships. And some positive thoughts. It’ll take time and be hard. But that’s the way. And you don’t have to go it alone. We are all here with you. So will there be ppl in AA. Doing it alongside you.
Serenity prayer your negative thoughts. And take it one day at a time. One breath at a time. Whatever you need. You got what it takes girl, it’s all already there.
Thats what im doing the fun has went out of it ,im spending the start of my bender with anticipation then i can honestly say the rest was spend drinking myself into a coma only to reawaken get some more pass out then the cycle leads into a bender i cant even remember the weekend it certainly wasnt fun ,all im left with now is a feeling of disappointment in myself ,and a am i ever going to get this what more do i need to learn why cant i get it
I know i will have to do some soul searching, what makes me want to escape from myself that badly that i drink myself into oblivion, i really need to do more work on myself and identify triggers
I get it. We continue that cycle because that’s what we know. Despite all the pain, all the shame, all the embarrassment, it is some how is better than the alternative, because the alternative is alien to us, it’s awkward, it’s uncomfortable and it’s hard. It’s much easier to take the punishment, at least we know what we’ll get.
But I tell ya, sobriety, as beautiful as it is, it is hard. Being an alcoholic is also hard. And now it’s time to choose your hard.
Try ameeting helped me wish you well
Have you sought outside help of anykind for addiction?
Alcohol isn’t your friend and never was…
Hi Maggie,
Know that I and lots of others are pulling for you. I know you are capable of a full and wonderful recovery from alcoholism, because I was in a real bad way, just like you, powerless, weak, hating and berating myself, yet I found the help I needed and got sober.
One fallacy that I believed for a long time was that, yes I was an alcoholic, but there was nothing I could do about it. When I did get sober and started actively working on my recovery, I adopted the belief I have to this day. I am an alcoholic. If I don’t do something every day about my alcoholism, it will do something about me.
What does “working on my recovery” mean? Early on, it meant taking my Antabuse every day, going to 3-5 AA meetings a week and sharing and hanging out with the people there, and going to a counselor and being honest with sharing and open to suggestions.
You are worth the effort. You deserve a sober and happy life. And that is possible for you.
Blessings on your house 
.
Dan
Thanks for the reply that made me cry i am so low i dont even know who i am anymore ,just a lonely person putting on a face for the world ,ive been in this addiction that long (9yrs ) its been a yr and a half since i walked into a aa meeting and i did go as suggested 90 days ive read loads watched videos ,allen carr this morning and alcohol explained, i just feel stuck in a never ending cycle of failure get a good few weeks sober then i go and mess it up again ,i think i know what your saying that i cant let working on myself fall by the wayside i need to keep actively working at it always ,my brain just keeps telling me im not normal that i cant live a happy life without it ,but im coming to the realization that is the lie we are sold ,i just want to be content and im never going to find it going back to the bottle, i need to get as many meetings in concentrate on maintaining sobriety ,
It takes some of us, myself included, a long time to admit we simply can’t drink. I tried to focus on the occasional days when I only had a few, rather than the almost daily occasions when I couldn’t stop.
After several half-hearted attempts to get sober–times when I resented denying myself what others could have–I chose to get sober as a positive change. I’m giving myself something by rejecting alcohol.
Maggie I’m sorry you are struggling. I too come from not just one side but two of alcoholics I lost both my grandmother’s, a aunt, two cousins, and almost my mom. You would think it would keep from that path but it didn’t. I hated when I was kid watching how alcohol controled my mom, but it didn’t keep me from being like her, but it did help me want to get sober so it stopped with me. Your son doesn’t like what it’s doing to you, how it’s changed you.
You need to make the choice that this stops with you. So both of you can heal, and rebuilding y’all’s relationship. Be brave and strong. Fight through this, and be the warrior you are. That poison is destroying you and those you love. We are all here to help you on this journey.
The best thing that helped me was turning the stigma/negative of being “an alcoholic” into a positive by focusing on what I’m going to gain or regain being sober… with a slightly smaller focus on what I’ll lose if I keep drinking! But you got to be willing to work at it… I’m not gonna tell you to do AA or any of the other programs. They work for many… but you have to find a way to change your paradigm! Journaling really works for me… rereading my journal entries from the beginning of my journey are really powerful!
Good luck!
Hi Maggie. First I have to tell you that you are stronger then you think and you have the power to make your life better. For me it took me a long time to admit I can never have a drop of alcohol again ever, that I have a very serious issue and condition that will never go away. It is in my power to never drink again though. For me I had to reach a point where I absolutely hated myself and what I became drinking. Absolutely bottom hating myself. From there you are able to decide to always be sober forever and build yourself back up. I put my energy and focus on myself, self improvement every day. This has really worked for me. I’m 147 days sober with no relapses since the day I made this decision 147 days ago. When I get these urges to drink, which I’ve accepted will always be there, I work on myself. I work out, meditate, journal, read, work on my companies I’ve started since I’ve been sober. I am at peace honestly, it’s not easy and never will be but know you can do this. I wish you the very best. Make the decision to never drink and work on being the best you. You have the strength in you to be a better version of you!