Hey Maggie. Sorry to hear you’re struggling! You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re trying to avoid working on it and you’re going back out to drink because that’s what we do. Us alcoholics that is.
Maybe its time to spend some time in your head figuring out what the reasons are why you don’t want to identify with being an alcoholic Is there a strong stigma around it in your family of origin or current circle? Conflict with your self image? What’s going on?
As long as this prevents you from working a program or decidating your life to your sobriety (these things are what ppl do and they would keep you sober just like anyone else if you did them), you’re stuck in the same place.
Alcohol has no value. It’s dangerous at this point for you cos you have developed an addiction. No, you can’t have one, you’ll always want 50 drinks. And itll always end bad. The one or two “successes” really don’t matter, they are just bartered time, delusion and an expression of how much you’re not willing to let go of the drink.
You need to become willing to let go of it. You still want it more than not. When this balance will tip, you’ll get sober. What can you do to get there?