Im 3 and a half years sober, my daughter is 9, id like your thoughts and opinions on explaining to my daughter that i am a recovering alcoholic…she saw me ‘silly’ a few times and she has told me lately that it scared her a little back then…i have explained to her that at the time my brain was poorly for a while, that i am now on medication for life that helps me to feel better and reassured her that i wont ever be like that again…ive basically explained everything apart from the fact that i was also drinking too much…do you think i should tell her at all? Or tell her when shes older? Any advice/experiences of any of you who have done this id love to hear…i do want to be open and honest with her but im scared of damaging her in the process or even burdening her with it…
Thank you in advance
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Hi!
My dad was an alcoholic, went to rehab when he was 18 and never looked back. Growing up, he was always really open with me about the choices he made and how alcohol could’ve ruined his life. He always used it as a teachable moment so that I had the knowledge to not go down the same path (obviously since I’m here, I didn’t heed his warnings). But it did deter me for a long time and now I look at him and know if he could get sober, so can I. I was probably a little older than your daughters age when we started having that conversation. Sending hugs, I’m sure it’s not easy!
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Hi Kelly, good to see you. Disclaimer first, I don’t have kids, so this is just an unqualified opinion, rather than advice. I can tell you are a terrific mom, wondering what’s the right thing to do and all. I think living sober on an every day basis and being present for her, being a reliable parent is far more important. But you know her best. Do you feel she’ll benefit from knowing more about how addiction works?
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Hello, Kelly. I may be in a minority here, but I would think that you have given your daughter a good explanation of what was happening then and the reassurance (which is much needed by kids) that it’s not going to happen again. I think what you said was well suited to your daughter’s maturity and cognitive capabilities at nine years old. I think for now this is probably good.
As she grows up, I think you will know just how much to tell her and when. I well understand the urge to share our burden and experience with those near us, as it is really that important. But I think nine is still too little to understand exactly what is happening.
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My son is 6. I have explained to him what alcohol is, how it used to impact me, and that I am not able to drink. He’s a little too young to quite get it. I have also told him that I have been unhoused, and experienced food insecurities. This helps him have more empathy towards others I believe. My experience is a little different though as my son was born almost 2 years after I got sober, so he doesn’t have memories of me other than when I was sober.
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My kids were 3 and 6 when I got sober. I had to explain the presence of the Department of Corrections guys inspecting the house and me while I served my house arrest. It was simple - “they help daddy to not drink beer”.
As they got older, into middle school, I explained to them how addiction can be partly explained by genetics (my grandfathers were alcoholics, my uncle died of cirrhosis) and that they could be affected, and the better thing for them was to just not drink or smoke or do drugs. And I was also very open about going to AA meetings, so it normalized recovery in our household.
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Thank you so much for sharing your experiences everyone and for the advice, im kinda just mulling this over for now…probably wont do anything yet, ive always tried to be as honest with her as possible but in my heart i think i feel like its too early yet…that shes too young to understand fully, both myself and my partner are sober so nowadays alcohol is hardly ever around her.. i think she sees it as not such a good thing to do from separate discussions weve had about it and we have discussed what addiction is and how it can happen the only part she doesn’t know is that i am an addict myself, theres part of me that feels almost like im lying to her because im omitting the truth if that makes sense, im just trying to do what i think is best for her not me…i also dont want her to think poorly of me
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Be careful not to project your guilt and shame onto your daughter’s experience. While she knows it was something that scared her, you can acknowledge that was not okay, at the same time not painting it as out of control for you as well. More like “Remember those times when Mama had too much wine? Well, I’ve been talking with my friends about it, and I like it so much better now that I don’t drink. Some people have a little trouble figuring out how much to drink, and I decided that none at all is the right amount for me.” Then let her have her say. What made the difference for me was to recognize to the kids that I did some things that scared them, like falling asleep or cooking awful meals, and I put that to alcohol, and I don’t drink now. Your drinking is the only experience she has to “compare” to, so making recovery normal and just part of life can be done without flagellating yourself in front of her.
I hope this makes sense, and that if it does, that it helps.
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Thank you, i really like this, it does make sense…i do still have a habit of doing myself down alot mainly because of how i was brought up, i am working on myself and i dont do that infront of her, what i dont want to do is burden her with my issues so she thinks she has an extremely damaged mother who has done bad things, i think i will drip feed her things that i feel are age appropriate as i go along until she knows the truth but rather than telling her i got in a huge state because i couldnt stop drinking maybe something a bit more positive as you suggested, acknowledge the mistakes but focus on the good i have done rather than the mistakes i made
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Very good suggestions you have received. I often come back to the reality that our bad decisions do not make us bad people, they make us human. That is not an excuse for our behavior, nor a wiggle out of consequences. But we do not need to berate ourselves for our faults or not knowing. This is life. Some of us struggle more than others. Acknowledging that we can move forward and normalize life is a learning process, along with normalizing recovery…I think that is a gift to children.
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Hey Kelly!
I have been quite open with my kids about my journey and I think it’s helped them understand it. I managed to insulate them from the worst of it and was usually just tired and grumpy around them, nothing worse (though that’s bad enough). They are 8 &11.
My thought is that if she asks, by all means tell her, but if she doesn’t then it sounds like you’ve already done a great job explaining what she needed to know.
Congrats on your continued sobriety 
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Thank you so much to each and every one of you kind people who have written on my thread, lots to think about but i definitely feel alot better about how to handle things with my daughter going forward, thats why i love this site so much…the wisdom of the crowd is priceless, thanks again, Kelly 
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@Starlight14 Hi Kelly,
As part of my amends I apologised to my daughter and son (14 & 17) for my behaviour and the impact I had on their lives.
Both had seen me in some really terrible states, not to mention visiting me in hospital after having gastric bleeds, 3 altogether and all most
with the last one.
I explained what alcoholism is and its affects, using the BBOAA definitions and medical facts,. I also tried to dispel many of the myths about alcoholics and alcoholism; which was a lot better received and understood by my daughter than my son, he’s still clinging on to some of the falshoods and disregards medical limits 
At age 9, I personally think that my approach would be too overwhelming for her, but I may be wrong, I often am.
You need to weigh up the pros and cons regarding what to tell her and what not to, and to concider what the benefits or the drawbacks would be for you both.
But, I think she has a right to know at least something .
A friend of mine told his young daughter’s that he was allergic to beer and all other things containg alcohol, as it made him ill, angry and do stupid things, and it worked well.
He did explain fully when they were older and having had an earlier insight, his explanation and apology were well received, as he shared with much gratitude at our home group.
I wish you all the strength in the world doing this very sensitive task, and I really hope all goes very well.
&
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Thank you Jim, i definitely think honesty is the best policy, its tentative…this little girl means the absolute world to me…i didnt have a good upbringing infact my parents basically showed me how not to parent especially on an emotional level…i do have alot to thank them for and i guess they did their best but ive gone about trying to be the best i can possiblly be for my daughter so for me to lose it for a while in addiction breaks my heart, for her to have witnessed me fall asleep in charge of her and not be able to wake me up well i still struggle to come to terms with that, i have talked to her about it and she knows that my brain wasnt well, that i had severe depression (which i explained) which is also true, i explained how someones brain can get poorly just like any other part of your body, that none of how i was then was in any way her fault and i have also apologised to her…she has told me that apparently i am the best mum ever ,that it wasnt my fault and that she knows that i am better now because i have medicine to help fix my brain… i also feel like ive put in the groundwork to have her feeling secure because ive proved myself for last 3.5 years, i feel like im doing ok so far its just the next bit i wasnt so sure how to proceed.
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I would just like to share my experience - at the age of 3 my grandson would shout out in the shops “ look grandad there’s your drink “ I found this very sad that he associated that bottle with me. At the age of 4 he saw me drink an alcohol free lager and obviously didn’t know the difference and asked me why I was drinking it. I realized then the major influence we can have on children with even the smallest actions and also remember the things witnessed as a child that affect me now but at the time the saying was “ oh don’t worry he’s just a kid “
I think what I’m trying to say is that children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for and whether you tell her your story or not she’s already lived it with you and already seen the before and after and without you going over old wounds she is going to take into her future the memories of a strong mother with positive influence and is going to love you for who you are and not what you think you were.
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Wow, thank you for this, this actually made me tear up, that last part…maybe its time to forgive myself because i think maybe she already has…
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