Oh I’m sorry to read this. I have been in a place where thoughts of suicide are always there. It is exhausting. To stay sober through it is an achievement, to continue to feel all of that…
Are you on any medication? Do you have any support either through a medical professional, or any other recovery or mental health networks?
When I felt awful the thing that helped me was 1. sleeping a lot 2. accepting i was sick (i.e. give myself some grace, sometimes that helped me feel less bad about feeling bad) 3. lots of grounding exercises to be in my body instead of my mind 4. remembering that the future is always uncertain, things will change and the only way to know if things might ever turn out awesome is to stick around and find out.
For me changing medication was the thing that really helped and enabled me to put all the stuff I’d learned through CBT, mindfulness etc into practice.
I hope you find something that smooths the path for you soon. In the meantime I’m linking to a couple of super wholesome threads that you might like
Holding compassion for you until you find some for yourself 
