Relapsed again. Always starting over from this disease 
I hate it I hate the person it turns me into. Alcohol is no joke it’s fucking up my life I’ve lost so many friends and family to this ongoing mess of life.I can’t even tell you why I continue to drink I hate the taste it turns me into someone I’m not makes me very mean and say things I don’t mean. I hate waking up feeling guilty. Having to apologize for things I said and done. The on going lies I have to cover up one after the other. And making my self look stupid cause everyone knows it’s a lie.Truthfully I’m the only one who believes my lies. Pretty sad. Working on 2 days sober again. So ashamed. Went to a meeting last night. Help me save myself please someone !!
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Keep coming back. Use the room as your rock if you can’t be spiritual right now. I’m 79 days sober today, can see things in my life that I’m grateful for. The change has been profound since January. Complete 180.
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Ty and yes !! I plan to keep coming back everyday to this site. This is what I need and will need to get threw these next few months.To be able to talk and interact with people who have and are going threw the same things.Somewhere I can go and be totally honest about how I’m feeling and people that will help me get threw the day without picking up that drink.
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Everything you said sound sooooo familiar to my story. I was a liar a cheat and a thief for my whole drinking career. The guilt and shame of all that along with the guilt and shame of continuing to drink was destroying my soul.
Truly admitting to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic really helped me in the begining. It took all the guess work out of it for me. It took the chance away of any “rationalization” away. Alcoholics can not control their drinking. Period! The end! And I am an alcoholic so by definition I CANT CONTROL MY DRINKING!
You are in the right place pal. And keep going to those meetings. Miracles happen in those rooms if you allow them too. Remember that You are not alone in this shit. If you are honest with those people and honest with yourself things can start to change for you. Take it one day at a time. Shit, take it one hour at a time if you have too. I did that at first. “If I can just stay sober for the next hour then I will be okay” is what I would tell myself. Whatever it took.
I’m glad you reached out pal! It will be okay. Just keep coming back!
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Thanks Gabe. One thing I have to do is get honest with myself and others. I’m gonna take it one day at a time or as you said probably one hour at a time for now. I’ll find myself having to refocus a lot. But in the end it sure will be all worth it.
Hi Susie, you got this! Something I would recommend is to read books on recovery, or even podcasts and videos if you’re not the reading type.
I’ve learned that recovery and sobriety are life-long commitments and are basically full-time jobs! You have to constantly be retraining your brain to build out new neuropathways. There are some workbooks out there that can help you identify your cravings and triggers and to stop them before you try to use.
Let me know if you have any questions. 
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Where can I get the workbooks from Annie. I think that would also be good for me.
I got mine on Amazon! I’ve purchased this for myself and it is really helpful.
This is the book that you can read, too. It’s a short book and easy to read.
Thank you I’m going to check into that.
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I drank for over 2 decades. I cant even count how many times I tried to quit, how much alcohol i dumped down the sink to “take a stand” and quit. 2 things made a difference this time. I am just fighting for todays sobriety. When I wake up tomorrow, I wil worry about fighting for it tomorrow. Second, this room. I only have 17 days in this time…which is the longest I have gone since my first drink. I am more confident than ever. I keep a keen eye out for tempation, keep an understanding that there will be hard times. But I will do it this time. You can do this, we are all on yourside.
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You can do it girl! Just take it one day and even one minute at a time when you need to. Many of us right now are further than we’ve ever been, because we are all here doing it together! Every day you keep fighting the war is a victory, even if we sometimes lose a battle. Chin up and keep moving forward
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I agree with Annie, I am a big reader and it has helped me stay sober. Reading Russell Brand Recovery now, just finished the naked mind, helped me change the way I think about alcohol. Check out the book club on this chat too. I never thought I would get through that first weekend. It was horrible. Prayed to no one/anyone to take away the constant thoughts of having a drink. That was over 10 months ago. Try to remember how you feel after a relapse. Keep that in mind when you want to cave. It won’t be any easier to start back at day one the next time. We are all here for you. You can do this.
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It’s nice that I have only a click away from talking about how I’m feeling day to day. And that there’s people like all you that are willing to give advice. Thank you !
I always told myself I could do it on my own. But after 4 rehabs and a few times going to out patient counsling I finally realize I can’t do it alone. And admitting that was a big thing for me. Right now there is so many triggers trying to bring me down. I think about a drink constantly. And that’s one thing I need to work on is my thinking process. I surly will keep my chin up Thank you so much !
Yes I found that it also helps me to read books and do workbooks. It opens my mind to this disease and gives me something to keep focused on. I also attend AA Meetings 3 times a week right now. I didn’t know there was a book club here. Where can I find that at ? The constant thoughts of having a drink is so depressing to me. I pray to god to take them thoughts away. 10 months wow I can’t wait till I can say I’ve been sober for 10 months or even 3 months. Congrats to you ! Thank you for your kind words !
Glad you’re here Susie. This forum has been a big help for me. I’m on 22 days after my last reset and checking daily. There are a lot of threads worth reading, a lot of wisdom and nice and helpful people on here. Share your thoughts and questions on here, there will be always somebody to talk to and we all understand each other
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Thank you I’m also glad to be here. I tried this once before but didn’t really give it much attention. So I’m back and ready to talk and get all things that’s running threw my mind out. I find that when I’m wanting a drink I come into here and talk to people and it takes the urge away for that few minutes of being here. I come in and out all threw the day and it does help me to stay focused on moving forward.
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I am by far no expert, but will always listen…and will always offer my 2 cents
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So glad you are here girl! This is a life changing decision. It can be so damn hard sometimes but it’s always worth it. I’m with @Gabe.G. I absolutely cannot control my drinking! And I absolutely cannot control who I am when I’m drinking! Sounds like you are in the same boat.
I’m close to 300 days sober and I still have a lot of days that I struggle through one minute or hour at a time. The biggest thing that makes me keep going is the thought of having to start over again and how absolutely horrible that would be! The worst!
My advice is to do whatever you can to claw your way through until things start feeling better, then never forget how hard those (these) days are. And definately keep coming back here. Keep going to meetings if they are helpful. Find an IOP if it’s possible. Get those books that @SoCalAnnie recommended (I’m going to Amazon and buying them myself). Do anything and everything. And never give up!
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Not sure where the book club. i just searched it on this site. I never thought I would make it a weekend never mind 10 months. I was so envious of everyone who could stay sober. But 1 day at a time worked for me. Some days it was one hour or minute at a time. It does get easier. Keep coming here or meetings, talking to other sober people. We are here for you.