Can't stay clean

I can’t stay clean. No matter what I do I just keep self harming. At least twice a day. I can’t stop I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried everything, talking to friends, snapping a band, drawing on myself, ripping tape off my skin, distraction, literally everything and I tried it. And it’s not helping that I’m ten times more stressed with exams. These are my first ever exams since I’m a freshman in high school and I’m terrified. Besides that I can’t stop thinking of suicide. Like that’s all I want to do. I just want all my problems to end and I can’t tell my mom why I cut because part of the reason is her with her being emotionally abusive and also it’s my dad being abuse but she doesn’t know he is and I can’t tell her. I was thinking of going to a mental hospital but then again I’d have to tell her why and I cant but I also have to finish exams my grades are supper bad I’ll have to stay back if I go fail exams. I really don’t know what to do anymore.

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This post was hard to read, so I can only imagine how difficult it must be to live through. Tagging @ifs for help on this one.

It sounds like you are very much trying to deal with these things on your own. Can you go to your school counseling services? I’ve found that they are people you can usually trust. You can rely on them for help dealing with school performance and personal problems. If your home life isn’t safe, the counselor can help you deal with it.

This is a wonderful, healing prayer for you:

May the long-time sun
Shine upon you
All love surround you
And the pure light
Within you
Guide your way on

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Hi @writer22, so sorry to hear you’re going through this right now. High school is really hard. I second what @SinceIAwoke said about talking to a counselor but I also know it was hard to go to them when I was struggling in school. Do you have a favorite teacher you could talk to? I was lucky to have a couple great teachers in high school that made the whole experience palatable. Know that you’re not alone. And please look out for yourself and don’t worry about how your self-betterment will make other people feel. You deserve to recover from this.

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As the others stated, reach out. Sometimes a stranger can be the best unbiased listener. I too struggled with self harm in high school and never really got the help I needed and ended up turning to drugs and alcohol to avoid my problems. 20 years later I’m finally reaching out and getting the help I need. I wish I would’ve done that sooner. Stay strong. Life is hard but you can get thru this. All the best :heart:

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Sounds like you’re really having a rough time these days. I’m not surprised you’re stressed — high school is stressful, abuse is stressful, and sometimes just life too. Some stuff is out of our control, but with our actions we have opportunities to make it through as best we can. And we learn, and grow, and heal. The past happened, and the present situation is what it is, but there are ways to respond to it that build better futures.

Often we need help to do that, though. Learning to deal with emotions in ways that aren’t destructive or self-defeating. Knowing how to respond to actions someone else has taken. Understanding what is helpful and unhelpful about the various reactions we have to life events. I have spent a lot of time over the past several years learning about this stuff. Learning it on my own, with therapists, in groups, from peers. I firmly believe it’s best not to go it alone. So I encourage you to talk to someone in your life about this so you can get the real-life support that you need in addition to having us to talk to here.

And I understand that you want to avoid going to your parents with this. That’s okay. If it helps, my parents reacted a lot more calmly than I expected when I told them about how I was struggling, and they tried to support me wherever they could. But you should tell someone, since you are having suicidal thoughts. This can be a school counselor, it can be a teacher you trust, it could be another family member that isn’t your parents. Going to the hospital and telling someone there about your suicidal thoughts is okay too, they can figure out how to help you. Worry about your grades later. Your health comes first. In fact, people’s grades are shown to go down when they’re stressed and struggling with mental health, so sorting out what you’re going through will most likely help your grades in the long run, perhaps even significantly. If you spend a long enough time in the hospital to affect your exams, you’ll have enough time to figure out how to deal with it, and have help doing so. Just take this one step at a time: take care of yourself first, everything else can be figured out once you’ve started doing that.

My thoughts are with you. Let us know how you’re getting on and what you decide to do. It is this way right now, but it won’t be this way forever.

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Do you, plain and simple. Tell a GP, mental health services and yes admit yourself into hospital. Look at what you wrote again, your struggling with studies and will be disappointed with your grades therefore applying more pressure to yourself leading to anxiety and self harm, you will be going in a vicious circle of distructive behaviour. You will be no good unless you sort yourself out first. Apply the brakes right now. Think about it, your course will always be running again and why not take time, recover then go back and get the grades you want and deserve instead of running on empty and setting yourself up for what you feel would be disappointment. We only have one body, look after it, do you first everything else can wait, we can do anything at anytime of our lives, it all doesn’t have to be done right now, it’s not a sprint to the finish line

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I’m actually in a similar situation.

I downloaded this app because I wanted to stop me self-harming, last time I did it was yesterday. My exams are over for the next 1½ months, luckily.
I’m a freshman too, but the difference is that I actually told my parents about my situation, my suicidal thoughts and stuff. I want to get help, but my parents are against it, they think I don’t need it and that I’m just playing it for attention. And I only told them because I want to get help, else I wouldn’t have told them.

My mother is mentally abusive against me too, she always was and if we get into a fight she’ll start screaming at me. We often get into fights over various reasons. And meanwhile I can’t even stand someone shouting at me without instantly getting into this scenario again and often even without me crying.

But my dad is calm at me.
And I can get through many months without hurting myself.

So I’ve bought myself a heating creme at my local pharmacy. Sometimes it even gets me away from self-harming, but not Everytime. But mostly. It makes me scratch, I don’t know if I’m allergic, but the scratching makes me more satisfied. Have you tried that already?

Well, I wrote all that below this post because I wanted to ask for some help, too, but also for you to maybe try this method and to let you know that you’ll never go alone through all this.

Please just try and be positive. It’ll be worth it. I’m trying to be positive too, even thought I’m not able to help myself anymore and the only people who could help me would be my parents, but like I said…
Just look forward to what could get to you. Everything could change every single day. Never give up. Don’t lose hope. And especially: Look for someone you can always talk to. Don’t think you’ll just bother them, be selfish for this time.

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Lee, this is a very thoughtful post. I’m sure it will help writer22. Thank you for taking the time and effort to reply to her.

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Oh damn I haven’t seen that comment. Thank you! And we’re all here to get some help and to help each other with our experiences.