Casually in my feels again

So ive mentioned the photo memories before. This one popped up today. My dad had sent me these a few years back when he was really sick again. When these photos were taken i could have never imagined the person he really was. My dad was my best friend. I trusted him blindly. I was ruthlessly loyal. Never let anyone say a bad word about him. Then i caught on to the fact that he lied. A lot. Not like just to me. But to everyone. Pathologically. And i still defended him. Id even help him. When he needed help with a lie or something sneaky he would tell me he needed help with a “reindeer game” but even though he knew that i knew he still would act as if i didnt also know he was lying. It transferred into my own life. I lied all the time for no reason it seemed. Never as coldly as him. I had boundaries and i felt guilt. Its taken a long time to overcome the toxic things my hero taught me were okay to do. And thats the tip of the iceberg regarding our relationship. It only got worse. Now he scts like weve never been distant, like nothing ever chanhed. And its sad. Because he lives out this delusion that our relationship is untarnished… but the thing is i miss the father i had when relaity wasnt so clear to me. When i was a kid. When he was my hero and my best friend. And the salt in the wound is wondering if he does too. Because I’ll never be able to ask him… because i know he will never have a real conversation with me about it. I do love him. Very much. I just wish things could have stayed simple.


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@Klh1998 As a dad who was not the best to his 2 daughters and lied to them about dumb stuff… I apologize to you on his behalf. I would give up everything if they would only see me now. I’m not who I used to be 3 years ago. If they would only give me the time of day. I’m so sorry he has hurt you. It’s good to put up boundaries, I can respect that. I hope you’re able to restore the relationship at some point. :mending_heart:

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Weve restored to a certain point. We talk like everything is normal. We tell each other i love you every time we talk. I tried to talk to him about it all once and he denied it to my face, as if i wasnt there for my own memories and i just sort of gave up. I just feel like I deserve an apology. Some sort of accountability. But ultimately sometimes you have to forgive people who dont want to be forgiven and that sucks.
Thank you for your kind words. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. I know he loves me. I iust dont think hes capable of loving me as much as i deserved to be love and i have to accept that.
I dont know your story or your family. But I’m proud of you for owning your own mistakes, even if its here to a stranger on a support forum. Its hard to admit you may have fallen short and even small steps are big victories! :heart:

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