Change is a big stressor for me. Routine is calming, but even minor occasional changes to it require planning, visualizing what the new situation will look like, writing things down, preparation…
Through the school year, for instance, Monday mornings always look the same. But if I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment in an unknown part of town on a Monday, I’ll have to write down the time in my diary, make a slip of paper with the address and put it in my bag so I know I have it, go over the public transport combination I need to take (this, in the town where I’ve lived all my life; I KNOW THIS TRANSPORT SYSTEM), calculate the time I need and walk myself mentally through all the stages and times, from taking my kid to the school bus, until I’ll be at the doctor’s office. And all this mental work is tiring, but also there’s anxiety connected to it. What if my kid’s bus is late and that makes me late? What if I can’t find the place? All this happens when small things disrupt my routine, when we change over from school weeks to holidays, when we travel to already-familiar places… minor things like that. It’s a hugely unnecessary energy drain and source of anxiety, and I really sometimes wonder at my inability to take these little things in stride.
So now I’m on the brink of a whole slew of small and bigger changes. Some of them are the usual for this time of the year: school term ending, travel to family for the holidays, gift shopping (I struggle with choosing gifts thoughtfully, my mind goes blank for some people, so this is stressful).
But also, bigger things (for me):
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There’s a new person coming to my department in January, and I’ll have to split a class with him. He’s a younger academic, but seems to have an outstanding resumé for his age (whereas I’m 20 years older and have a pretty average CV for my peer group). We’ll be teaching in parallel. What if he thinks I’m a so-so teacher, or even a bad one? What if the students find me lacking in comparison?
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I own a tiny flat downtown, which I rent out. The current tenants have just told me they’re leaving in a month. They’ve been there nine years, so I hardly remember the whole procedure with starting their tenancy. This is now stressing me out. I need to do all the things required for their leaving, and get the flat inspected and painted (and any repairs) and sort out the security payment, and find new tenants, which for me is the biggest gamble, and get the new contract done, and all of this with holidays and travel and family times in the middle… I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m going to mess it up. This rent money pays for part of our own rental where we live, so I feel pressure to have things lined up so we don’t miss more that a couple of weeks’ rent. Not to mention dealing with strangers. What if they are not nice people? What if they think i’m unlikeable or unreasonable? What if they are scammers and I’m unable to see though it?
Do you realise how lucky I am that these are currently my worries? Someone taking up some of my workload and having a source of income to manage? I do realise it. It’s ridiculous, I know. But I seem to be wired to worry, second-guess myself and wear myself down with needless planning for all (always bad) unlikely contingencies.
Silver lining is that, even if I’m stressed, I’m still sober and planning to stay this way. Indeed, this thought always gives me joy and makes me proud.
So, sorry for the weird post, friends. I don’t know really where I was going with this. Change is hard for me. If it is also for you, drop me a line and we can commiserate together.
