For a while I was back there in last nights dream…back when I was 21 the first dabble id had with taking drugs…id been with friends and spent the night at my friends house squirming around on the couch full of ‘E’ thinking I’d had the time of my life because I’d been so out of it…I was somewhere between reality and some other place…all I knew was that in that place I didn’t have to feel, think, nothing mattered anymore…just a feeling of peace that I didn’t want to come back from because I’d been in pain since I was a child…and that was it …from then on I wanted to get to that place as often as possible by any means I could…I spent the next 5 years doing that every weekend…be it drugs or alcohol I wanted that oblivion…did I wake up from last night’s dream wanting to go back to that…the answer now is absolutely not because with the oblivion came the having to come back and face reality and the fall out, the horrible feelings it exacerbated…what ive pinpointed from this is this is where my addiction to escaping began and that id use this for 20 years in some form or another for anything that went wrong in life…to the point i was so used to escaping i really at times had no idea what i was escaping from or if it was even necessary…until now, I was so emotional when I woke up today I cried but the point is I’m grateful for this dream because now I know through working hard on sobriety that I don’t need to escape anymore and that to me is huge progress, my love to you all
I get this. You’re bang on It’s numbness, which feels safer than non numbness - but ultimately it destroys what matters to us, our connection, our presence
It does Matt…when i look back at myself i feel real sadness that i thought that was how to live my life…winging the weekdays at work looking forward to a weekend of escaping…i dont think i even realised thats what i was doing until now
It took me a while to realise that happiness and hedonism/ ecstasy are actually a different thing. When we stop chasing something unattainable and start finding the joy in life as it is, that is a wonderful place to be
You could of been writing this about me only I was 16 not 21! The numbness is exactly what I was thinking I wanted. Now I realise that being sober is so much better. I’m 47 now, I only wish I’d realised sooner . Thank you for this post
Yes i now the feeling bud the thing i can remember from my first time doing drugs is that i would never get the same feeling i got the firts time i used it and it would only feel les every time using so you come to a point that you say i want to stop bud you cant because the pain is to great
So you keep on going until you go on a downward spiral until you reach rock-bottom and you have to stop ore you will die so you go to a clinic and detox meet incredible people that help and inspire each other and to vind NA meetings and going to them religiously i can say that im 36 days sober and feel the best in years what i am trying to say that there is always a path you just have to vind yours and keep going i can make a mistake it happens bud never give up just keep trying ive you mis a meeting next week go to two meetings little things like that help and don’t bee to hard to yourself because you are the only one that can do it bud you have to work for it live without drugs like heroin and coke is so much better the emotions that i feel now i don’t do drugs enymore is the thing i missed the most normal human emotions i was a zombie when i used bud now i feel so much better i hope everybody can help himself to heal and stay clean love to verybody and good luck in your journey
It’s numbness, which feels safer than non numbness - but ultimately it destroys what matters to us, our connection, our presence
. Thank you for this post 
