It’s that time of the year again - triggers - which I’m sure a lot of people go through this around the holidays . I am definitely not the only one (thank god).
Im 4 hours I’ll be back in day 6 clear of no alcohol. Almost at one week which will be Christmas Eve & Christmas . What a way to celebrate after my previous relapse.
I noticed my mood swings are still very high. I mean sometimes the littlest things that shouldn’t matter really play an effect me sometimes. I seem like I’m getting mad over really small things that shouldn’t matter but I’m still finding coping strategies. I don’t like to classify as someone with anger issues but I can definitely say I do angry sometimes over stuff that could be avoided in a less angry manner even if I have a valid reason to be upset. My cravings are still strong, but I’d say when I’m not keeping myself as occupied or when I’m having high stress / anxious moments… other than that my cravings seem to already be almost gone a good portion of the day.
My night terrors are bad though, honestly I can say I’ve had a bad or uncomfortable dream everyday since I gone clean again. I have multiple dreams a night , and I can feel the discomfort in my mind and body even when I wake up. The cold sweats have seemed to ease down a bit finally. I can’t say I’m having terrible sleeps , I’m still sleeping, but the night terrors are a little overwhelming.
I’m going to be introducing my girlfriend to my family in two days which I have a very big family and some of them still I have some underlying problems (which I know comes from myself & themselves as well) .
I’m just worried about possible triggers and I also care about my girlfriend being comfortable and feeling safe & happy around my family. I’m not going to get into some depth and personal conversations here about every detail of my family members because I come from a big family (5 siblings & two parents) now imagine all the extended family ontop of all my siblings partners & their families… (quite the party) anywho , I do have some family members who do seem to enjoy drama, talking down to people, showing off, or belittling people. For instance my older brother who is a severe alcoholic for about 20 years now will make very terrible comments to me about my past with drinking or even who I was as a teenager (even though I’ve openly admitted to my family I had an issue and I want to do better) while he will be under the influence… But I never really have made rude comments towards him. Or I have a sister in law who likes to boss my family around like she owns us, and she will talk down about her families drinking and use me as an example which makes me uncomfortable because I believe recovery comes at everyone’s own pace & we can only choose to change when we really want to.
I could list a bunch of things here but I just wanted people to understand where I’m coming from and my triggers that usually lead to high anxiety and stress that have resulted in relapses or continuing to drink and smoke growing up , as these are my times my anxiety, stress and worries hit high. I do not hate anyone in my family or hold grudges , I’m just a tad bit worried from my previous experiences of getting hurt and a bad outcome, or making my lovely new girlfriend uncomfortable or around a situation that would make her uncomfortable.
I do care a lot about my recovery, my family, and my girlfriend, and Christmas of course with loved ones , but I also do deeply care so much about making my next right steps to healthier, happier lifestyle, and to more success AWAY from alcoholism, depression, and denial.
Happy holidays everyone.
I hope everyone has a good Christmas, just wanted to vent here before I start my day today . I’m currently heading to the gym for a workout.