Checking in daily #3 ❤

Hey everyone,

The last few months I’ve felt really alone and really defeated. I’ve lost hope and lost fight and given up the desire and drive to stay sober. My faith has taken a beating, my heart and soul have taken a beating, my emotions have been violent and self sabotaging. And my attitude followed. “I cant do it”. I’ve been trying to get sober sober for 2 years now which someone pointed out the other day. I have had little stretches of sticking it out, I think 6 ish months was the longest. But I always come back to it…came back…I always came back to it. But I dont want to do that anymore. I dont think I actually ever believed, even in 6 months, that I was ever going to stay clean. Theres always that voice that says, you’re going to stuff up eventually so you may as well just use now. But the thing is, while that may even potentially be true, I am better when I’m sober. I cling to Christ and I have peace when I’m clean. I invest time into the people I love when I’m clean. My body functions better and my emotions are still volatile and erratic, but other things arent suffering (like sleep and diet and exercise), so I can cope. Whatever sober time I manage to have is valuable regardless of if I relapse. The only time I feel as desperate and alone at the worst of it, is when I’m using. All my fears are confirmed in my highs. All my heartaches magnified by ten thousand, because no high will ever be as good as the first one. Ever. I isolate myself and push people away who care for me, including God who has always been there with a hand waiting. I’ve pushed it away 1000 times because, “I can do it on my own”.

I went to my first ever NA meeting last night. I’d like to say I left with warm fuzzies that said everything was gna be okay…but the reality is, I left more broken than when I arrived. I read the “Am I an Addict?” brochure, and while I guessed the answer before I read it…it literally broke my heart to answer yes after yes after yes as the questions went on. That’s part of it though isnt it? You arrive and think I’m not that bad, only to discover you’re just as bad, if not worse, even if it’s in different ways.

So…this will be my new daily check in. I am going to do whatever I can to avoid the next high, for as long as I can. And day by day just do the next right thing. I’m not going to focus on the what ifs and endless possibilities of this journey, just today. Right now. I realise I have no control in the part of me that is an addict. And if I give that part of me anything at all, it will continue to consume me, bit by bit, until there is nothing left.

I want to trust God to deliver me, I’m not sure how yet, like what that looks like, but He is God after all so I know He is able.

So, 1 day 12 hours 18 minutes clean and sober. I hope to see this number grow further than it ever has. Thank you for reading, and thank you for all your support on here. I hope to return the favour.

Keep at it sober soldiers,
:v::heart:

22 Likes

I love this. I will definitely be looking forward to your future posts. It’s just one more day.

1 Like

Well done Stacey.
Sometimes we can try and try and think we are doing everything we can. Only to discover that we still had to face that truth.

1 Like

You have already returned the favour. It is a privalige to be able to be part of your journey. I wish you well on this next step and know in my heart that truly want this enough now. Sometimes when we are at rock bottom we still manage to sink even further but one day out feet feel something solid and it gives us something to hold onto. Slowly but surely we start clawing our way out of the dark abyss, we climb so high that eventually when we look back that huge abyss is just a pimple just a tiny blemish on an amazing story of your life.

4 Likes

Thank you heaps everyone! :heart:

3 Likes

So so proud for you of the steps you’ve taken the last few days to do something different this time. I’m totally rooting for you girl! Your desire is there and now you have knowledge and access to support through the rooms of meetings. Use everything you’ve got and fight like hell. God is wanting the best life for you too. His plan for you is NOT addiction. It’s so so much better! Hugs :hugs:

1 Like

Thank you so much for your support @cristelclear

1 Like

Update team,

1 day 17 hours 33 minutes.

My ex, who is still very near and dear to me needs to come over to drop off my eftpos card. I asked if he could drop it off and he said he would during his “mission”. I conceded to the temptation of asking what he was up to tonight, eventhough I know the answer. He invited me to “participate”, as he said, and at first I said I wasnt sure. I think I dont want to get high anymore, but I’m also not sure. So I asked if he would be keen to hang out anyway eventhough we wouldnt get high. He said he didnt mind but hed hang with his friend for a while and probably come over high.

So…here’s that feeling vs knowledge moment…

Feelings: I miss him. I wont see him if we cant get high together. I love him so much and deep down I know we have nothing in common outside of drugs so if i say no eventually he will disappear. I dont want that to happen. I’m sad. :sob: I feel like without drugs I’ll be alone. At bare minimum for a while. Getting high would kill this feeling for sure. Even if briefly.

Knowledge: If outside of love, drugs is all we have keeping us together, I cant both love him and help him hurt himself and hurt myself. I’m not alone because there are plenty of addicts who have lost dear people for the sake of their sobriety. I love God and I dont want to worship this world with its enticements. Yes I am sad. But sad passes. Always…eventually. If I want to be sober, which I do, I have to do what’s right. God loves me and I’m not alone. Lonely is a feeling not a fact. It will be worth it eventually. I can cry for as long as I need to. Itll be okay.

So…I messaged him and told him it was best for him to drop off my card first and then he can go hang out and do whatever for the rest of the night.

Now to stick to that.

Ouch. Really ouch.

But necessary.

:sob::v::heart:

8 Likes

He also wants to meet your needs. As you’re missing your bf ask God to heal that hurt & replace it with his perfect love. He promises to supply all we need. And he keeps his promises. So hold him to it. Tell God what you need tonight and ask him to meet those needs or give you new ones. Saying a prayer for you as I go to bed. Big hugs sister!

4 Likes

I will do that. Thanks @cristelclear. Sleep tight praying for an awesome week for you!

2 Likes

I’m sending some love your way. I promise you’re not alone. I pray that you make it through the next few hours sober. Make it to bed sober and then wake up and see how you feel.

1 Like

I’m not okay. I feel like I’m gna lose it. He has been and gone. God is clearly intervening because he got here and I wanted him to stay. And he didnt want to. And I want to say how mad I am, but the amount of times I’ve blown people off to get high instead is out of control. So I cant say I stood strong, but he didnt stay anyway. So I guess I thank God for helping? And try not to lose it tonight…

2 Likes

You did the right thing. I know it’s hard. My relationship with my ex is the exact same way. I still love her but I know I can’t be with her because we always end up drinking together. I tried three times after we got divorced to work things out and we just couldn’t do it.

I’m sorry your hurting but happy you didn’t use. Try to get some sleep and wake up tomorrow and see how your feeling. You’re not alone. Stay strong. You can do this.

3 Likes

You’re doing great Stacey, really you are! Yes this is gonna hurt, but be strong and remember that it will pass. Try to find something reaffirming to do in the painful moments, just anything to distract you mind from the pain.
Come on here and vent, you know someone will be here for you. Spend all your time on here if it helps.
Above all else cry if you have to, it will help. Just get it out.:heart_eyes::hugs:
Your emotions are going to be running high, except this.

3 Likes

Running high indeed :sob:

Bless you Stacey. :hugs::hugs::heart_eyes:
It will get better. Honest!

1 Like

Okay, well I survived I think…I mean I didnt die…or use…or have a mental breakdown. So I guess that’s a win. Now that I have a clearer mind. I remember thinking a while back the first 3 days are the hardest for me, especially the 3rd. So I made it through day two. In about an hour itll be officially 2 days. Tomorrow…well I’ll worry about that tomorrow. :heart::v:

4 Likes

Good girl! First few days are bad for us all. Just do what you have to and take care of yourself.
Don’t listen to any voices and don’t let your thoughts get the better of you.
If you start going down that hole just change what you are doing at that moment. It helped change my thoughts everytime.

1 Like

You mean like midway through?

Goodnight team. Almost 1am. Gna try get some sleep. Can I just say, if you’re reading this…well done. This is difficult…so difficult…and to everyone here on a single day in or 10 years in…just well done. :heart::heart::v:

2 Likes