This checks out.
10 Likes
I dont have children - this is my opinion ONLY… But I can categorically tell you that if I were in the situation…if the choice were between a life with the person I love with the addition of kids or life without the person I love, I’d choose the life with the person I love every time and I’d scooch over and make room for additions.
I’m not saying anyone should have kids to make the other person happy or on the flipside, not have kids to make the other person happy. I guess it’s just more important to me that I’m with the person who I would have kids with even if I didnt want them, or wouldnt have kids with them even if i did want them.
It’s a pretty huge test of compromise that makes you look at your relationship and your future in very different ways but I guess the answer will come to you in it’s own time.
10 Likes
I never wanted kids. Like even a little bit. Then I started dating Shay who had a very young child. Then I had a young child because she was part of the package. Now I have two babies and would not change it for the world. Sometimes it requires a leap of faith. I’m glad I took it.
16 Likes
Amen to that Derek.
1 Like
I wanted to mirror what @Jante76 and @SteppingStones have already said. If you want kids, you’re not going to have the luxury of waiting to be a completely enlightened before making the choice. I was you before I had my son. I didn’t even like holding babies. Lots of drool and constant maintenance. But fatherhood certainly encourages growth.
Being a parent breaks you down at times and builds you up in the strangest moments.
As you know, my relationship with my wife is far from perfect. Working on that. Doesnt make me regret being a dad at all.
My point is, Don’t add more pressure to your relationship with your gf because ther is some obligation to remain locked into it once you have kids. I’m not implying that your should have an exit strategy. But don’t lump it all together into an ominous swirling tornado of minivans and honey do lists. Parenting and a relationship to a SO are pretty separate things. You don’t need one to be good at the other. If you can do it together, it makes paying bills and getting them to school easier, but that’s all. Kids are a product of their surroundings, we all carry baggage. But the fact that you’re considering how your behavior might affect them shows a level of empathy that few have before embarking down the path.
No pressure here either. Don’t do anything if your heart isn’t in it.
10 Likes
I guess the answer @TMAC is really this.
You cannot be on the fence about it. You can either really truly explore whether you want the kids or not and accept that you’re relationship will be totally different after the kids and really truly want to adapt to the relationship that will come with them… but in that exploration, you either have to get to the position of being absolutely yes, you do want them or absolutely not, you’re not having them and in that case, if you cant get onto the same page about it the answer has to be you go your separate ways because how you see your futures are completely different - which is really the only outcome we can logically figure out. If it’s possible for you, like @Englishd to genuinely change your mind about having kids, chances are similarly, it could be the best decision you ever make. If you do it just to make her happy without taking into consideration and allowing the change that will come to your relationship as a direct result of having that child, you both lose.
I really hope you find the answer soon.
8 Likes
I’d love to tell you that I did the same thing you are doing. Thinking deeply about this sort of thing.
But it didn’t happen that way. We were enjoying ourselves together. I knew that I had found the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And it kinda just happened. We weren’t ready!
But it was both the most daunting and the most amazing thing I have ever done in my life.
And it doesn’t matter what the future holds. Who knows if you would still be with you gf in 10 years whether you had a family or not. We don’t know what the future holds Tristan. What’s the main mantra we, as addicts live by? ODAAT.
11 Likes
edit - deleted for privacy
8 Likes
You’re welcome.
With that in mind, the only thing you can do to come to the right decision is to keep her in it. I’m the worst for freezing and panicking when I dont know the answer to a question I’ve been asked and it always makes things so much worse and communication so much more difficult when in fact ‘I dont know, can we talk about it?’ is also a right answer.
6 Likes
We had a good talk about it last night, I think we both felt better about things after. I’m sure there will be a few more of those in the next week or so
8 Likes
Day 15 checking in.
11 Likes
Checking in on day 104…man, I actually have to check my phone to verify the days now, life is just moving so much quicker now that I’m back to working every day. I can’t believe 4 months is right around the corner, seems like 30 days was just yesterday for me! I wish things were going better for me in the dating field, but time will come. The incredibly lucid and vivid dreams of my ex from 3 years ago are still occurring multiple times a week, and I wish I knew why these continue to occur, and continue to haunt me. It’s been 3 years almost exactly and there’s still something there. This has been 1 reason why I haven’t been able to date anyone, of course getting sober was reason number 1. We broke up before I even started using, so my drug use had nothing to do with our relationship, me turning to drugs was just a reason to cope with that loss. 7 shoulder dislocations, 2 rotator cuff surgeries and a nice prescription for my DOC was the real X Factor. I just wish I knew why I can’t seem to let go, especially in these dreams…blah
15 Likes
I never wanted kids and I don’t have kids now because my wife doesn’t want kids so we have rescue dogs instead. All that been said one day she approached me and said she thought maybe she wanted to have a child and u know what I would of done that with her for her because I know it would of made her happy and I love to make her happy and I knew that we are a fab team and would make fab parents so for her I would of had them no question. She thought about it abit more and changed her mind and so we don’t have them but we are great doggy mum’s and auntys to our family’s children and mates kids so all good. Don’t know if this helps lol
6 Likes
Day 4
Good morning. I thought last night was going to be rough as husband was out playing soccer with his friends and as usual was drinking with them. (He does 1x a week) In the past this was my excuse to drink more after putting kids to bed.
BUT… even though I was craving bad I checked in here a lot last night and made it. Yes!!! AND I finally got an OK nights sleep.
19 Likes
So last week I sat down and made a decision to earn at least $6000.00 a month. I am in real estate sales, with a niche in rental property. My goals consist of earning $1500.00 a week minimum or doing at least 3 apartment leases a week which should keep me on pace of meeting this goal. Before I started getting serious about my life I was working pretty part time without any additional source of income I was maybe putting in enough effort to bring in about $2000.00 a month (inconsistently), some months I cashed in on $900.00. I live with my boyfriend so he picked up alot of my slack for a long time and quite frankly I have no clue how he has stuck with me for this long. I was spending too much time fucking off on my couch drinking countless bottles of wine or vodka mixed drinks, dining out with money I barely had while ordering a shit ton of drinks with my meals. I’d skip out of work when my friends texted me to chill so we could go out for drinks and smoke weed. Having the kind of flexibility I have as an independent contractor can be a real problem when you have no drive or motivation to make money. My broker told me I had the ability to be making at least $1500 a week because I’m really good at what I do, when I want to do it. Problem was, I wanted to drink and chill more than I cared to get and keep my shit together. I always made just enough to pay my car note, rent (late), phone bill (late), car insurance and booze money. I eventually just got tired of being and feeling like a loser. I’m finally making a conscious effort to hit my sales target and since I’ve been sober (just a little over 2 months) I’m on pace to make $1500+ a week for at least the next 6 weeks which I am extremely proud of. I decided I wanted to start tracking my sales goals on a big board to keep me motivated so I ordered one on Amazon. I’m extremely excited to start tracking my goals and I feel very empowered to become the business woman I knew I could always be. That’s my Tuesday sober motivation for you. Keep getting better a getting better! The only person you should ever be competing with is yourself.
12 Likes
It really is! In huge part I didn’t think I could accomplish these kinds of goals. I had very little self worth and the amount of money I made reflected that. I didn’t really believe in myself enough to make enough money to cover living expenses, pay taxes and save. I did exactly enough to get by. Now, I have abundance in mind. Thank you for commenting!
1 Like
Checking in. Day 197. Just got done with my CR meeting. Feeling much better and positive. Thanks everyone.
21 Likes