Day 39,39 (apparently ahha, loves this app) and ok, a bit bleh but fine 
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I sent you a card too! Not sure if/when it will get there <3
Sorry you had to have another surgery and that the pain is worse. Stay strong, weāre all over here praying for you xo
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Wow so cool! Thanks for showing me that article. @Girlinterrupted It says that when in recovery the brain is MORE sensitive to PMS ā¦ so that makes sense! Lol My PMS is over so back to my normally scheduled happy life. 
Its so good to be aware of that though and know its only temporary!!
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Day 17.5 Came REALLY close to going with a friend to a bar in town thatās notoriously open against the ban yesterdayā¦ Realized on the drive there it was my rebellious behavior and alcoholism talking and ended up at Target instead. Came out with bags and bags of stuff I donāt need. But I came out sober 
Happy to wake up today with another day in the books 
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Checking in at 8.08 daysā¦ Nothing much new to reportā¦ Feeling quite a bit better from the rona thank goodness, so thatās a definite plus So far two nights in a row that I didnāt wake up from coughing all night. Yay
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Day 311 and feeling triggered to drink for the first time in a long time. I wonāt, but my mind is throwing all sorts of bullshit, excuses, justifications at me; glamorizing drinking and the āfunā I used to / would have. Thankfully, Iām stronger and wiser than before. I will say no to the drink that matters, the first drink. I know nothing good will come of a decision to drink. I truly donāt want to go back to that life. The truth is, drinking was not fun for me, because for days and weeks even after Iād drink, I would suffer so greatly, so much depression and despair and self-loathing. I never want to go back to that. So, one day at a time, I will continue to trust in the love and guidance of my higher power: God and will go to bed sober.
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Thanks Jimie, just taking it one day at a time.
Blessings and sobriety!
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Now I get who Aunty Flo is, duh! Thank God she stopped visiting. 
Blessings and sobriety ladies!
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Day 290. Working IN the office today. I am the only one here besides security. Forgot my headphones, my phone charger, my book, and itās cold and rainy, so a walk is out. At least itās Friday!!!
Thrilled
Have a strong day!!!
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It wiÄŗl get there eventualy, looking forward to get it though.
Thnx for the kindness, prayers and inspiration. Iāll send an angels your way as well for guidance and to shed some light were its needed. Dat.
Think u sweet person ! And iāll keep u and others posted
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Starting a serious day 3. Havent made it past this since March 25th. Iām going to tho today. Iām very dizzy. And i have a very slight pain in my chest(not unusual for me). Kind of weird feeling but mentally Iām okay. Just going to make it thru the day.
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Certainly makes you not take one day of sobriety for granted doesnāt it. Respect for the share we live and learn.
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Nice one mate, itās been an honour watching your journey, hereās to many more sober days but for now enjoy the one that matters most. 
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itās been easy not drinking today after having to read all your posts on womenās periodsā¦ Very sobering.
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Day 557
Stupid long post.
The headline here is:
āSurrender date postponed until July 6thā
Followed shortly by the secondary headline:
āNews of dear friendās demise comes minutes laterā
So, thatās where Iām at. Yesterday was a pretty intense day, but what I wanna point out here is how I got through it. I think that sometimes, in our recovery, we lose sight of how our program has helped us, or what sobriety is actually doing FOR us. To my mind, this is a pretty decent example of the positive impact my program of recovery has had on my life and my inner self.
May 7th was my surrender date.
I was supposed to go to the court, plead guilty, and begin serving a 3 year prison sentence.
The weeks preceeding were, understandably, stressful. For example, on May 1st, I was so distracted and emotional that I ran the side of my truck into a wooden post, dragging against it and ruined my driver side door. Then, just to make things interesting, on May 2nd my ear and neck and groin flared up because, unbeknownst to me, a couple days prior I had come in contact with poison oak.
(or some such plant, maybe Poodle-Dog Bushā¦ Seriously, Californians, Google that shit)
So there I am, in tears and feeling like a fucking moron with 2k in damage to my vehicle and covered in burning, itching, weeping wounds, days away from shutting down my bills, phone, home and life in general. My mind is a sinking ship. So, I did what weāre supposed to do. I āFaceTimedā with my sponsor every day, I doubled down on MY IOP (group therapy) sessions and attended meetings every day. By sharing my thoughts, feelings and experience with others in recovery, I was able to clear my mind and gain some perspective. Those people helped me carry the load. I realized that everything I was going through could and would be fixed and I was, essentially, still OK.
I dropped the truck off for repairs, coz thatās what insurance is for. I went to the doctors and got some medicine, again, thanks to insurance. And I got back to getting ready for my big day.
Every day I spoke to my sponsor.
Every day I attended a meeting.
Everyday I took time for myself to sit still and meditate.
As we get closer to my surrender date, thereās still the nagging question ; āIs this still happening?ā
Are the courts even open? The pressure builds. I tell myself itās out of my control and I surrender the outcome. I lean harder into my program until finally, at 3:30 pm, the night before, we get confirmation that itās going to push and that I will not need to appear, but rather, my attorney will appear for me by phone. I tell my wife. She instantly flies into angry tears of frustration and disappointed. (Thereās a whole notherā side to why the postponement, in itself, causes all sorts of problems for me, but thatās another post entirely)
On the morning of the big day, I speak to my attorney and she asks me, do you want the soonest date available or do you want a date that is most likely to result in you ACTUALLY going into custody. I choose the latter, because this game of getting ready to go and then having it push is a special kind of Hell. I wanna know, for sure, that Iām actually going in when we set a date. She says OK, Iāll call you when the date is scheduled and before I can even put the phone down, I get another call; a very sad call.
Its an acquaintance, calling to let me know that, last night, a very good friend of mine was hit while riding his motorcycle and lost his life. Thatās all we know right now. Instantly I feel as if I may pass out. My brain has a total system failure. Two tiny columns of smoke escape through my ears.
I hang up the phone and begin to notice my wifeās voice in the other room. Sheās angry. I make out the words āattorneyā and āfucking bullshitā.
She asks me whatās going on and I say āJoeās deadā. I manage to somehow explain what I just learned, still kind of in a trance, and I go outside.
I canāt deal with anything, but I know I need to call someone but I donāt wanna call friends or family, because Iām still waiting for the news from my attorney so I call my counselor, from IOP. We talk for about an hour.
[This is important.
I know not everyone has counseling available to them, but for those of you havenāt sought help yet, please do so. I cannot stress how much my Intensive Outpatient Program has improved my life. Seek some sort of outside clinical help. Therapy, counseling, behavioral therapy of some kindā¦ Whatever works. Do it.]
During the conversion with my counselor I tell him that I had just seen my friend Joe 2 weeks ago.
It was a very significant moment, in hindsight, because during that meeting, I actually apologized to Joe for not being a better friend. I explained about the accident and how is become sober and that I really wanted us to reconnect, but above all, I just wanted him to know that I was sorry.
He said theyāre d nothing to forgive and that he loved me and we were always close, no matter how much time passed.
Heās gone now, but I will always have that moment. I can move forward knowing I cleared some of the wreckage from my past and replaced it with love.
THAT IS RECOVERY AT WORK.
Without my sobriety, that moment would not have happened. Iām not a Hartshorn 12-stepper,but if I hadnāt read the book some, and gone to meetings, that moment never would have happened. If I wasnāt actively trying to change old behaviors, that wouldnāt have happened.
Joeās forgiveness, or that conversation in general, has changed my life.
My recovery program has changed who I am as person forever.
It will change you too, if you let it.
During my conversation with the counselor, my attorney reached out with the July 6th court date. My wife and I are still processing the information, but by forcing ourselves to can down, and by reaching out to others, we were able to have a calm and rational discussion last night. I think weāre finding some peace and acceptance today.
Time will tell.
I know you already know this, but I just wanna say; recovery is not just about our substance abuse. Itās about our emotional core and how we deal with emotions and the experiences life puts us in.
Is about how we treat others and, most importantly, how we treat ourselves.
We are all desperately fragile things. Our lives are delicate and things change very quickly, sometimes.
This is OK. Most of the things we fear are things weāre actually fully capable of dealing with. I think weāre actually designed to deal with themā¦ Itās in your DNA. But we not designed to handle them alone. Weāre designed to work together in families, in tribes, in collectives, groupsā¦ What have you.
You are here, with your Tribe.
None of us do it alone.
Please reach out for help, if you need it.
We all do.
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Day 140
My slips, episodes of self-harm or disordered eating are very often at pms time. And when pregnant, bf-ing, I was much better, cos no periods. I felt like I was running a gauntlet every month. My dr has suggested it is pmdd level. I have taken anti-depressants before and they did little but make me sleepy. I actually am taking a medication now that one of the side effects is producing prolactin, which u produce when bf-ing and I am so much better. Actually since taking it I havenāt slipped once.
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Very sorry for your loss Cade. Thanks so much for the share. Not stupid long at all. Thanks for showing me your way to recovery. The way to recovery. Together.
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Thatās all we can do @Joy , We are after all only human. Such a flawed species we have become. If we could all just realize weāre all earthlings, but also all individuals, together to support each other but with the capacity to think for ourselves. No need for the herd mentality. Maybe then we would have no need to escape, through drugs alcohol etc. But until then, weāre here together supporting each other n happy for each otherās successes n accomplishments as in your over 300 days.
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Hey, you totally got this! Day 3 is great. Tough but great. One foot in front of the other. Day by day. You got this!
Hope you feel better! Chest pains are scary.
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