Oh, I understand it 100% why we are all angry and it’s time to all band together and be part of the solution. I applaud the protesters. It’s hard work and they are out there for hours for days on end. I’m grateful for them. I also understand the anger behind the riots, just not the actions. But what’s going to get people to listen? Something has to change. Yes, my apartment is ok as I’m in the 17th floor. My poor dog though, bless her heart. She was terrified. It took me a while to calm her down.
I was ok last night, I guess adrenaline. I don’t know how to explain how I feel today other than grief and sadness, but not sure that’s it. I suck at feelings.
Damn beth… not really the dish you need on your plate right now. (Land of the free, home of the brave seems a bit far as i read your post) glad you didnt had to evacuate… or worse
But dispite of what happened your still going on ! Proud @ ya and i send you some peacefull and positive vibes
Love to you connor and i hope you got thrue the day. Feelings sometimes cant be explained but giving up is not an option.
Let the people here be there for you as you always are there for others as well.
Did some stuff to volunteer for service work with a local church yesterday. Also, I got a start on a treehouse with my son.
I hope y’all have a great week. I’m sorta dreading the tough work decisions I have in front of me. It probably (definitely) won’t be as bad as I’ve made them out to be. Just having a lot of thoughts about finding an exit strategy.
Realizing this morning that I just don’t think I am happy with my current job. I realize that I am lucky to have a job in this economic climate, but it’s kind of a long time coming. I mean, I love the flexibility I have, my boss is super fair and just lets me do my own thing. Pay is more than I feel I deserve. For this I am lucky.
However, my job is very isolating, pandemic or no pandemic. I have no “team mates”, it is just me, and then I report to my boss. I’m on my own. I also regularly feel out of my depth and uncomfortable, like the least intelligent person in the room. I feel like everyone else has such a better grip on things, while I’m just pretending, which I’ve adapted to be very good at. I feel like I’m just “playing the part” a lot of the time, squeaking by. Maybe that’s a “me” problem to work on, rather than the job itself, I don’t know. I really just get nothing out of my work, aside from the paycheck.
The realization hit especially hard this morning when I woke up dreading work, afraid of starting the day. I absolutely hate that feeling. I know I have my boss’ support, and there is nothing to be afraid of, but something just feels wrong. I also need more interaction with people in my work, and that was true before the lockdown. It’s hard to consider doing something else though, as the “pros” of the current job are hard to come by. I also cannot afford a pay cut to do something else.
I just want to be able to wake up in the morning and feel excited, or at least optimistic, about going to work and what the day will bring. I wake up full of worry and anxiety most days. That’s hard on the spirit after months and months and months. If this is what “professional life” is like, I am terrified. I can’t do this hamster wheel shit for another 35 years.
I’m not trying to be negative, as a matter of fact I am trying my best to be less negative and melancholy. I just wish I felt better about things and knew what to do.
@Fargesia_murielae what I mean with unrealistic mode is : detachment from the present moment and start to develop fantasy in my mind: for example: you are tired and you need some excitement maybe is the last time you can enjoy consuming. Basically is a lie that I accept to believe. I guess I can recognize it at the first stages but being tired is not helpful against distortion of reality and I enter in autopilot mode
This is the perfect storm of COVID-19, vast unemployment, stay at home fatigue, and police departments that keep making the same mistakes over and over. People feel powerless and that the system is rigged against them. Put all of that together and you have a powder keg waiting to blow. They were shooting tear gas a few blocks from my house downtown. I could hear the commotion while I was grilling my food. Not sure if violence is the answer, but it seems all other forms of protests have fallen on deaf ears. Hopefully we get on the right side of all of this soon. Hang in there!!
Hey man, sorry you feel this way. But you’re right, it starts with you. Start waking up and feeling optimistic, positive, give your self a pep talk in the morning in the mirror before you start. I’ve done every kind of job you can think of. And even the ones I liked I felt the same as you. We’re never really going to like a job,there is always going to be pros and cons to every job. Whether it be drama, or not feeling like we’re enough. Or feeling like we’re better then this and deserve a better job, the important thing is you have a job and if it’s a good paying try to go in fully positive and ready for the day and start taking charge. Hope you have a good day. I’m currently in the same boat tho, I’m a cleaner for the state, great pay awesome benefits and super easy and yet I’m still not happy. But that’s because I need to work on myself and start being grateful for what I have. Construction sucks, cashier sucks, being a c.n.a was rewarding but stress full as hell I’ve done tree work as well and landscaping. All of which I was never happy with after a couple months
You are not the only one that has this self doubt. I feel like this all the time. However, I realize that so does everyone else. Your boss does not support you for no reason. You must be doing something to earn the support. Do you have a regular one-on-one with your boss? Maybe ask candidly how they feel about your performance. You may be pleasantly surprised what you get back.
Occassionally, although not as much as I’d like. I need a lot of reassurance and I don’t want to ask for it too frequently, but I’ve been given no indication that I am performing poorly or otherwise not living up to expectations. When I do get feedback, it is generally good, and always better than I expect.
I guess I just have a hard time accepting “no news is good news”.
Edit: should add, I think a lot of this pressure comes from the fact that if I make a mistake at the wrong time, the implications could be very bad. My area of work has been getting a lot of attention from the “higher ups” since part of what I manage is a bit of a hot issue at the moment in my industry.
Only day 1 but looking forward to getting sober again. Feel sick every time I see the bottles and cans overflowing the recycling bin! Need to get back on track. No more resets!!
Working from home today, it’s nice and sunny again outside, tuff trying to keep our kids going with there school work as well as working and under this lockdown! Challenging times for everyone for sure… however checking in on day 10, double figures yesss have a good day everyone
Day 8, and feeling really good. Like I’m ready for it to stick this time. The self loathing has been reduced to a hum in the back of my mind, and instead of letting regret overwhelm me, I’m choosing to view how my drinking affects me as a factual reminder of why I just shouldn’t drink anymore.
@Coffee_please
You may have already answered this, but do you attend any regular recovery meetings?
I feel they are necessary for long term sobriety (especially early on).
So glad you’re here, and so very sorry to hear about Karen. Glad you pulled through and totally understand wanting space from people and talking. I get the same way. Sending continued love to you.
Working from home today, it’s nice and sunny again outside, tuff trying to keep our kids going with there school work as well as working and under this lockdown! Challenging times for everyone for sure… however checking in on day 10, double figures yesss 
have a good day everyone 
