Checking in Daily to maintain focus #13

continued from Checking in Daily to Maintain Focus #12

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@802 … I’m sorry to hear this Blake. Drinking will not change the situation. You need to stay clear headed and face this head on. Be ready in case you need to get to the hospital. You don’t want to be in a situation, if things go down hill, where you’re in no shape to be there for your family. Stay strong!! Keeping you and your family in my prayers. :pray: :heart:

Tried to reply to you before the thread closed

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@802
Sorry to hear this. It is why you need to stay sober and keep moving forward. To be present. Great job on 94 days!!!

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Thanks so much. He is doing ok. We cant go to the hospital due to Covid.

This is not something I will pick up a drink over. I just recognized how I was feeling and knew it was time to reach out. Already feel so much better.

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Thanks so much!

Phew!! I was worried you were having thoughts to pick up. I didn’t even think about no visitors at hospitals yet. I’m glad you’re in a better place mentally.

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A lot of negotiation in my head around drinking this morning. The pull to blow off work and have a day drinking session was strong. Not 100% sure what brought it on. I spent my hour before work weighing the pros and cons. As silly as that may sound. The only “Pro” around drinking was that I could spend the day checked out, getting drunk, and watching podcasts and shows. Just be completely checked out from life. The “CONS” were literally everything else that comes after that. It’s scary to see how heavily my brain still weights that feeling of being buzzed against sooo many negatives. I literally wasn’t sure which way I would go, even as I started my drive to the office. With all the back and forth going on between my ears, I just kept proceeding like I was going to work. Getting cleaned up, dressed, eat breakfast, drive toward the office. Eventually, I was walking in the door to work and the negotiation ceased. I guess this morning was more a matter of “one foot in front of the other” and taking the right action, despite the noise in my head.

I’ve had some minor annoyances the last couple days and been more pissy than usual, but I didn’t think any of it was that big of a deal. Maybe it’s just a mood swing or random craving. Maybe I need to address some of these negative mindsets, that I didn’t think were a big deal, a little more thoroughly. Being frustrated and angry is definitely my biggest trigger, so I need to be cautious around feelings of discontent.

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I think this was one of the big reasons I drank, to have an excuse to do nothing. Not sure if you’re the type of person that is constantly “on the go”, and not just physically, but mentally as well…always needing to be doing something more to feel useful or ‘worthy’.

Anyways, drinking was my release from the constant state of doing and bettering. I never took time to just do nothing and relax (unless I was drinking). I thought I would get lazy if I let my guard down and just relaxed. Now in sobriety, I do it all the time and I’m so much less rigid and controlling…I mean I’m still working on it lol but I feel better at least. It took some internal dialogue and negotiating to allow myself this kind of day, but I love those days now.

Why couldn’t you have taken the day off and done what you wanted to do without drinking?

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I am so glad to hear it! Good for you! That one stupid pro (checking out) sometimes can feel so overwhelming, u do lose sight of literally everything else. ‘Do the next right thing’ is sometimes all we have.

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Hey there…your post definitely makes sense to me. By the end of my drinking, it wasn’t even that enjoyable…all it helped me do was escape…and then feel a whole lot worse once I was done escaping. When I got sober, it could quite a while…but I finally started to get quiet enough to hear the thoughts before my actions. At the end of the day…there was an issue with my internal monologue AND how I was processing the day. It wasn’t my regular life I needed to escape from…it was that silent quiet observer that was telling me through out the day that I wasn’t good enough/didn’t know what I was talking about etc. that’s what I needed a break from. That’s what I was trying to escape. When I started to change the conversation in my head, it helped a whole bunch. Any who…good luck her too.

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Day 565. Today I stood up for myself and others when it was deeply uncomfortable to do so. I also had a hugely productive meeting that felt really good. Hoping for a relaxing weekend that brings some clarity to my future plans.

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That has really made me think. Thank u!

So close to double digits again I can taste it.

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Yeah, Absolutely. I am physically on the go often, but I do allow for some downtime. Even during the downtime, my brain can still be “on the go”. Planning, worrying, stressing, sorting, recounting. I’m getting better at being present and accepting. Meditation is helping with that. The last couple days though I’ve just been swept up in my mind. It’s been relentless and I think I was craving that relief of just shutting it down for awhile.

I’ve only been at this job for two weeks, so I can’t quite take time off yet. :joy:

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I agree. I’m glad I didn’t allow my thoughts to dictate my actions. I’ve been in that situation many times before and caved. I didn’t care about the repercussions, I just wanted that temporary relief.

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:joy: Gotcha lol and you’ll get there! I’m happy you came back (I know you’ve been back a while) and are doing well. I hope you find some time to relax this weekend.

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Very well put. I can relate 100%. I wouldn’t even drink for fun anymore. I just wanted oblivion to turn that internal dialogue off. It’s definitely not a problem with my external surroundings when I feel this way. It’s my perception and the story I’m telling myself.

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Checking in. Flipping freezing today at 15°C :cold_face:

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You have described Soooooo familiar feelings I come across in my life with the only difference I usually fail and drink… reading it I started think I read about myself. Lol
Stay strong Chris.

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Seriously kudos to you for just putting one foot infront of the other and making it to work even though your head was still discussing options. It really shows you’re growing in your recovery because in the early days it’s so easy to give in to those thoughts. And you didn’t! And now you won’t have regrets and a hangover tomorrow :heart:

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