Something very interesting occurred to me the other day when I went out with a networking friend for 1/2 price wine night. I had my usual fake whiskey which is Diet Coke in a rocks glass. Funny how I limit those to two because of the caffeine before bed lol. Anyway, normally I’m pretty aware of myself being the only one not drinking. However, it was so freaking weird, the tables were turned and I literally forgot anyone was drinking, like we were all having Diet Coke. I don’t know, it hit me after, it was weird. My friend loved my rocks glass and we had a good chuckle over it. Also, she was drinking red wine which usually makes me gag. Luckily I could not smell it haha. Even in my active addiction the smell of red wine makes me gag
I don’t know, just wanted to share that because I found it very interesting.
Day 242. Fucking eh Mike be grateful, so sick of not being motivated to do anything with my kids. Need to start practicing wtf I preach. The only time I’m motivated is when it’s time to workout… I’m sick of feeling ugly and unattractive, seeing all these people around me get into relationships. Yeah sure geuss I’m right where I need to be. Went to bed fine, wake up hating myself.
I’m sorry Mike, I struggle with the same things and it tends to create tremendous anxiety. Before therapy I would not make eye contact with people because I didn’t want to insult them by looking at them. I felt so damn grotesque. Are you in therapy or anything? I started therapy and anti anxiety meds and it’s been life changing.
You’re definitely an attractive guy with a lot to offer, but something inside is bringing you down and it can be socially crippling. I never thought I would ever say this in my life, but I’m actually content single and no longer afraid of dying alone. I’m actually not even sure if a partner would ever interest me again. So, if you’re able, I super duper recommend therapy. I did a lot of research to find the right one. That’s really important. Sending love to you and I hope your day gets so much better
Remember that reacting to those thoughts will nourish them and make them grow… Any thoughts or emotions you feel is to pass, but if you actively hate them every time they pop-out it look like it starts a never-ending patterns of hate and disgust for yourself which clearly isn’t doing you any good… Some time when I’ve got those thoughts “against” my self (self-depleting thoughts lets say) I ask myself : does it makes me feel good? do I need this ? what my emotions is informing about? Clearly my emotions do not feel my aesthetics or my performance in life, they’re just giving me info about what I need - that’s what they meant for. So what do you need man? Do you need to think constantly about that or maybe when you start to think about all that it might be a sign that you need something and you have to get after it. What can you loose to try to explore that?
That’s pretty much the questions and processed Ive been going for myself about drinking and obsessives self-depleting thoughts: Do I need to think about this right now? No? Ok so why do I feel like that? What does it tell me?
Hard at first but sitting in it instead of escaping it (booze, sex, forgetting myself in sports, etc.) is actually paying off. Learning about yourself is all life is about after all, so you can become who you fucking want.
I hear you man, it’s tough. I’ve struggled with the same things, still do to some extent. Don’t lose faith, keep doing what youre doing. Try and be patient, not everything will fall into place straight away, it takes time. Don’t forget how far you have come
Good morning from our side of the pond. Also on our side of the pond, the President and probably whole White House test positive for COVID. Good time to be sober. Also, I’m glad I found all that SPAM in the grocery store yesterday. It’s day 35 for me. Five weeks. Sixth weekend ahead. Feeling lucky.
Thank you. Yes I have two therapist, one for addiction. One for psychologist, I ask him every time because I feel like I’m bpds and he always assures me I’m not, he will not prescribe me anything because he tells me this is part of life, I’m rebuilding my life from scratch, so he feels it’s important to tackle these things with out medicine. Most of the time I agree, he feels taking the medice will shut my brain off more and hinder me, he always tells me he sees so much potential in me and how different I already from the beginning. Sometimes I just don’t see it. Thank you for your kind words.
Trust me I try my hardest not to nourish them. I try to always say positive shit to myself. And fake it till I make it, I’m not sure what I need to get up and go after. I know waking up and coming to this annoying ass job doesn’t help anything. I got quit till I find another job, but there is no other jobs. I also think I got invited to a surprise birthday party tomorrow, and my mind is trying to scare me out of it. Idk, tomorrow will be 8 months. Maybe I’m just nervous about it, upset with myself that I still can’t go around this shit at 8 months sober.
If you are seeing therapists and working on it, there will be less and less of these days, when you hate yourself, just give it some time. I also had a lot of days like this and still have. It’s good to know, that it is part of this period of my life, so I’m already not surprised by them, I’m familiar with these days and feelings, so they have less and less impact on my other days and on my general self esteem. Try to survive this day, not listening to your harmful thoughts, and soon it will be better. About your kids: don’t be too hard on yourself, being a parent doesn’t mean that you can’t have bad days or even months. They can be demanding, but it doesn’t mean anything, that’s the way they are.
month!!! 
