Checking in after our stupid hike today which I’ll post on the hiking thread.
It was nice to get out again.
Thank you all for your kind words. Paul @dolse71
It’s just weird that the 3 closest people in my family of 5 suffered a really long time before death and I was ok with them leaving. I’ve always had to be the “strong one” I’ve always thought it a blessing. And so I’ve never really broken down and cried it all out. Never been this sober before either. It’s kind of like “failure to launch” but in reverse. I kinda said good by to my Mom 3 years before she died. It wasn’t her the last three years. I welcomed God taking them. Finally. My older sister suffered with MS and died at 52. Maybe that’s what I struggle with sometimes: The fact that God made it easy for me to loose my loved ones @milele Both my parents had dementia/Alzheimers at the same time. It was hell those 5 years. Especially living very long distance.
Great advice Courtney @Dragonflygirl82 Love and take care of them while you got them no matter how busy you think you are. Make the time.
@chiron and Emilie @mleclaire I like what you both say about them being proud of me now. I don’t know what I believe after death. I have my strong faith in God and in Jesus and I know it is ok to have doubts and questions. I understand what y’all are saying and I tend to agree. And yes their love still lives on for me. It will never die. I was their only son middle child “golden boy” could do nothing wrong. (i got away with murder) unfortunately I think that made it tough on my sisters.
Thank you all for the group therapy session. Very helpful to get feelings out since I am not drinking them away now. And I’m good. I’m not drinking today and I’m not going to drink tomorrow!!
It’s very comforting to know we are all in this together and can do this together.
Love y’all,
It’s been 6 years since my Ma passed over. I mad miss her some days, because she loved me so unconditionally. With my Pop (still alive but debilitating fast), I was very aware of the conditions on the love, the approval. With my Ma, even when she had to discipline me and my brothers, or was angry with us (she only ever lost it twice that I’m aware of, an amazing feat raising 6 boys with ten years from one end to the other), she loved us.
I still talk with her, particularly about my emotional state. I dedicate every triathlon I do to her, because I did my first one the summer she died. And now that she is not in pain nor muddled nor helping Pop through his storms of anger and judgement, my relationship with her is much more free and open.
When the subject of death comes up, I tell the story of my best doggie friend ever, my best boy Bandit. We raised him from 6 weeks old, until he died at home, naturally of heart failure at age 15. I was 18 months sober when he died. I helped him out the door and down the ramp, then left him to rest under his tree. And when I went back about 15 minutes later, he was gone. Just laid down and died there. Out of his pain and suffering, able to leap and run and play like a pup again.
I turned from his body and looked at the line of trees at the back of the property and saw a band of light there. And I thought “Where did he go? What was it made him alive one moment and now dead? Where did that energy go? All matter and energy is conserved, so where is it?” I was given my second gift of insight in sobriety when I knew that his energy had gone back to the Source, and would turn around again and animate some other being. That gave me such comfort.
Memories of my great grandmother, and my Ma and my dog. The three great unconditional loves of my life. I’m lucky. I’m blessed. And so are you, brother.
Thank you. Yes I am lucky and very blessed. And ya I had the best grandmother who practically raised me. Those grandmas were tough as nails.
Wonderful share.
Back on Day 1. I went into a tailspin. I would like to say I feel strong. I don’t. This last time really did a mind f*ck on me. I had come so far and felt so good. The past is the past. Today I am sober.
Day 235~Sending love and strength to all that might need it today. Today was an average Monday busy as hell and I basically didn’t stop for a second until now but it’s ok I’m alive and well. I’m sober and grateful and honestly couldn’t ask for more. If you take just 5 minutes today think of all the positive in your life and how you can spread that energy to others. It makes a difference.
Day 6. I got a lot more done today than I thought I would. And to think I felt so overwhelmed when the day began. Holding things off really turns the task into a monster in my head. Of course when I get it done I wonder why I was so anxious lol.
Checking late tonight because I had to travel a bit for work. Had dinner with some of my coworkers, and I was the only one not drinking. It felt awkward, but not terrible. It’s a matter of not over-explaining (which I do compulsively), and leaving any situation when it doesn’t feel right or when I start feeling pressured to drink. Today is day nine. Tomorrow: double digits!
@Milele, @Piglet, and @Dazercat – thank you so much for your posts and sharing your insights and experiences re: parenting a parent with Alzheimer’s/Dementia - and doing so without self-medicating to oblivion…
Milele – yes, coming to terms with my parents’ mortality has been a big one for me too. I hope your Mom is doing okay and that you are too. There’s no blueprint or roadmap for this – each day could be different, or not. Feel free to pm me if you want or need to chat it through… (and we may want to hit up @Piglet for some know-how on how to navigate this!)
Graham – you are so right. My Mom was a chartered psychologist and is still quite emotionally intelligent / intuitive, she just might not recall who that person is! And like you say, she tells me she feels so loved by me, so does it really matter who I am? I’ll get there. Sometimes this feels more about me needing to grow up than about her decline… I would love to hear more about your work and your experience with your father.
Eric – big hug. Death anniversaries are hard. I’m sure your folks would be proud of you now, and I’ll bet they were proud of you before, anyway. My own experience is that we need to grieve our losses, and my coping with Dad’s death with a bottomless glass of wine only delayed much of my grief. This year I plan on getting it right
Thanks all. So good to know we are never truly alone in this
Welcome back. Jené
Glad your here. You’re absolutely right. You can’t do anything about the past. Your here now and trying again. Nothing wrong with that. Sounds like you already got some sobriety tools that you can use.
God bless you in your one day at a time journey.
Day 98.
A good day - part work and I decided to play up the vacation part of this trip too. Each day will include at least a walk on one of my favourite trails, if not a hike. This mountain town is full of wine bars and shops, which I would have unquestionably frequented previous trips. I plan on going back home this time with a small collection of colorful merino wool socks, new puffy vest (happiness!), and of course… cheese.
G’night all - thanks for sharing your days
@SarahBear and @Balanced one week tomorrow! congrats! @WCan Proud of your 3 weeks too @Clarity you’re crushing it. It’s beautiful. @RosaCanDo I hear you. There is such a raw vulnerability in showing up to our own selves, wanting change we’re not sure we can achieve. The stuff of tears for sure… Hugs to you. @SinceIAwoke beautiful post. thank you.
Checking in on Day 25. Some takeaways from TS that I hope to implement this week are to not get hungry, stay hydrated, and take time to do short guided meditations.
Feeling okay. I did have a weak moment today when my coworker suggested we meet up for a beer. I didn’t know what to say so I agreed it sounded like a good idea. I’m also supposed to bring our new dog over to his house for a visit and he said he’ll have a fridge full of wine and coolers and beer. We aren’t so close that we talk about personal issues…we have had beers together in the past. I did manage to quit for 90 days once (3 years ago?) and he knew about that but I wasn’t in it for the long haul then. It was a 90 day challenge. I could say i’m doing something similar. Or I could say I’m just not drinking anymore. It feels like it’ll be a conversation where I’ll have to explain myself. I do want to get together with him - we are both working from home and have only seen each other once since March. Any tips on this one?
Morning all. Day 6 alcohol and day 4 tobacco. I feel ok again today, tobacco cravings bad again this morning. Was getting a little stressed on the way to work but I took a few deep breathes and told myself to calm down.
So once again im not mega happy but not feeling low. So im ok which is positive!
Very pretty picture. I love a lone colored tree in the midst of a grove of pines. I picture the tree saying “look at me! Look at me!”
I love Merino Wool socks. I just discovered them a year and a half ago. Threw out all my socks and replaced them with Bombas Merino Wool socks. I wish they had more colorful choices for the guys though. Happy feet make me happy
This year I plan on getting it right 
