Day 13. Worked a half day and then came home to ride out the storm with my dog. I had a good talk with an old friend that helped me put my current circumstances in perspective. So often I feel unlovable and unworthy of attention. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t feel that way. Part of the reason I drank was because when I was drunk, I didn’t care about those feelings. They weren’t gone, they were just hiding under the alcohol haze.
My friend reminded me that while I’m not perfect, I’m definitely some unlovable monster. That I’m actually worse to be around when I’m pretending not to care what people think of me. She suggested that what I need to focus on is getting to a place where I love myself enough that I don’t need everyone to love me, too.
The storm is moving quickly, and hopefully the worst of it will be over by morning. My thoughts are with all of the people I’ve met in Lake Charles over the past five weeks. To have a hurricane tear through your life and then have the same thing happen again six weeks later? It’s not a thing I’d wish on anyone. Come tomorrow morning, so many people are going to need help of every sort. At least I will be sober, and better able to do my small part.
Day 239~ Checking in with a heavy heart. Tomorrow is the day I’ve been dreading. Our sweet old man brown aka Moosey Goosey, my fur best friend, Moose will walk the rainbow bridge and join his brother Teddy. I’m obviously super sad and very upset however they always say you’ll know when it’s their time and it’s his time. He blessed us with 15 and a half years of loyal companionship. I’ll carry his paw prints in my heart forever. Such a sweet special boy. I’m so thankful for all the memories and will cherish this chapter for as long as I live.
It’s kind of amazing how I can go from 0 caffeine a day to over 1000mg a day in a few months. I think today I’ve had… hold on, I’m counting… about 1600mg. I’m having some kind of tightness in my chest and the lights seem a little too bright, so I think that is my cue that it’s time to give it up… again.
The sad thing is that I’m not wired. I’m really tired, even with all of that, I’m just tired; which is why I start drinking caffeine again after being off it. So this is my pledge to reduce my intake down to zero, again. I’m not stupid enough to go cold turkey from as much caffeine as I take in.
You know, I only started having caffeine maybe 5 years ago. I didn’t even grow up with caffeinated soda. It started becoming a problem when my drug use became a problem. I didn’t want to nod out. It was a pretty bad cycle. In general I don’t find having some coffee in the morning to be a problem. It’s when it becomes a pot of coffee, a few pre-work out supplements throughout the day, three sugar free monsters…
@Briella Good for you!! I’m so happy you made it through! @manishc You know, what matters is that you’re right back here and right back on track. You’re at the beginning of changing your life and your habits. It’s not an excuse, but rather a reminder for you to not be so down on yourself. It can take a while to rewire your brain and your responses to stress. Just keep trying and you’ll get there. I’m happy to read that your wife is doing better now. @Girlinterrupted You were so tactful. What a piece of work. At least sometime soon you will be rid of batshit. How low does one have to be to say bad things about someone’s child. @CapriciousCapricorn Good job on the one month of no sugar! I used to be a staunch keto-er, and there is absolutely no denying how great life can be without sugar. It’s tough getting through those first few weeks though. Great job! Also kudos to you for even trying to keep up with this thread! @Englishd So… for real, my SO did the doughnut diet for a whole month where all he ate was one doughnut a day for a month. Your post made me think of that. But for real it sounds like your kids just got lucky today. @RosaCanDo Did you wake up to your husband trying to perform an exorcism that night? But seriously, I’m sorry that you had such a sad waking up this morning. At least it sounds like your day has gotten better. @anon27760155 Good for you for standing your ground! I’m glad you were able to get that woman out of your home so you can concentrate on you and making your life the best that it can be. @anon79808082 130 days!! That’s awesome!
I’m so sorry to hear that Courtney.
It’s so fuckin hard. So glad he had you cuz I bet you spoiled him rotten. Will have you and Moose and your whole family in my prayers tomorrow.
bridge and join his brother Teddy. I’m obviously super sad and very upset however they always say you’ll know when it’s their time and it’s his time. He blessed us with 15 and a half years of loyal companionship. I’ll carry his paw prints 
in my heart forever. 
Such a sweet special boy. I’m so thankful for all the memories and will cherish this chapter for as long as I live.
It started becoming a problem when my drug use became a problem. I didn’t want to nod out. It was a pretty bad cycle. In general I don’t find having some coffee in the morning to be a problem. It’s when it becomes a pot of coffee, a few pre-work out supplements throughout the day, three sugar free monsters…
But for real it sounds like your kids just got lucky today.
But seriously, I’m sorry that you had such a sad waking up this morning. 
At least it sounds like your day has gotten better.
