Big hugs Danni. It will pass, I promise you.
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Push through it, hun. I so know what you’re going through. It won’t help anything.
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Have a read of it. DON’T get tied up in the god thing, unless of course you want to.
Just read the words and let it sink in.
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I’m here, I’m alive and I’m sober.
Day 69.
Haven’t been on for a while, last week the kids had fall break here. Social services was here Tuesday for a home evaluation visit and they ended it with saying that if the teen (she’s actually just 12) wants to move they’ll move her to us in a few months. Because it has to be a slow steady move to make her comfortable.
We’re all good with it, and goes on a family trip Wednesday. Arriving at our destination social services calls and wants to move her to us immediately because the teen facility home isn’t good for her. She’s been offered alcohol, cigarettes and have unlimited access to candy, energy drinks and roaming around in the city where it’s located late night.
So she’s all packed up and moved to us Thursday morning, they just dropped her off. Since then we’ve got her former fostercare parents for a visit, her biological mother. And done everything to make her feel secured cared for and at home here. She had a few major breakdowns but no angry outburst yet. Today is the first day her father (my husband) is out of the house. School has been amazing and she already have a few friends she’s meeting up with today. Funny thing that her closest and first friend her is the older sister to my boys best friends so they’re all hanging out with the kids from the same family. Good thing that wr know the parents.
Besides that I’ve been talking to my therapist a lot about my childhood, and she recommended a few books for me. Two of them about a Swedish Pentecostal church cult that ended up as a huge case in the court (Knutbysekten) the people in the cult has eventually stepped out one by one and writing books about their life in the inside. I’m not raised there but one of the highest members who is one of the charged preachers is from my childhood church. I’ve been following the court case since it was cabled out years ago. I had just been kicked out from church and got my first own apartment woke up one morning turned on the tv and got the news. One of the girls from my church burst into my apartment hysterically screaming “Sophia, Sophia it could have been Preacher D” he was our new youth pastor at the time and was a lot stricter and more strange than anyone we ever met. That day we had a long discussion and the girl decided to leave church too.
Reading this books and talking more about my childhood, with the realization a lot of things within our church was extremely similar to the cults ways of doing things has been a pretty hard hit. I loved those people, I looked at them as my family, and sometimes I even want to go back.
Besides that all good over here. Got highest grade on my last exam, group project done, new class started and we’ve got the information with harder Coronavirus restrictions that even next term will be available online. I absolutely love that
And I hope everything is good with you guys too.
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I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. After trying to mask the difficult emotions for so long with drink/drugs it’s really hard to learn how to sit with these feelings. Harder still to find what helps you process them.
You are doing great, sometimes you just have to sit with it, even lean into the feelings. I have found this helpful recently when I’ve struggled:
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The “Knutby cult” have an extreme history with murders, abuse and everything similar. My former church not so much, except for the classical extreme controlling and the ability to control people’s life’s in every way. But they way of thinking, the way they treated their members, the interpretation of the Bible is very very similar. It’s scary seeing it from a different angle and it’s hard to realize that I was just as brainwashed as them. And didn’t even question it because that was the right way of life.
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Checking in on day 14. Feeling a little sluggish this morning but other than that good. Going to work a little bit this morning and then I’m going horseback riding later with my daughter. So excited about that. I usually try to make sure I have pills whenever I do anything like that, but not this time. I’m going to be high on life and in the moment with my girl. Have a great sober Saturday TS folks!!! 
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Yessss. Get those trees 
… I eat it every day as of late. I’m definitely going through a broccoli phase lol. Lotsa pepper and salt and a bit of seasoning and it’s super yum 
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I’m afraid I don’t share your enthusiasm for broccolli 
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Eat the vegetables you actually enjoy. It makes the lifestyle a lot easier.
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You are not on the wrong Broccoli.
The purple sprouting type is better than the tree version.
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I wouldn’t even know how to start. It seems like everything out there has sugar in it? How do you even find things to eat ? Lol I’d try it but idk how haha, can I eat apples? Bananas? Grapes
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It’s was definitely prertty crazy . Plus those zoom session always skip out so I can’t hear anything. Autumn didn’t get hurt she was fine. It was the first time my therapist actually saw my anger coming out, I usually do well on the phone with my therapist when my kids are here. My temper has actually been better in general with my girls
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That ‘some book’ might just save your life one day. I’m getting the impression you don’t care if you drink or not lately.
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Day 347. Feel good. Maybe it’s time to reduce sugar intake.
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Your doing great and I for one am so proud of you, today is not a day of self destruction it another day of growing and learning 
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That’s a shame bc I’ve always considered you one of the fighters, we’ve been through some ups and downs you and me and you’ve usually been one step ahead of me in recovery. Things will never get better you will never have full control of this for very long so have a little think about what direction you want to head. One direction is only difficult for a short time, the other direction will be difficult forever. Anything I can do just ask.
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Feels better this morning. When I’m tired sometimes it’s just easy to let the images of drinking invade my mind. The « fuck this » those past days was driven by the images, and the tiredness of having them. It’s not even that I wanted to drink or had a craving. Was just some images of some bottles I liked, sounds of pouring, you know, like the aesthetic of drinking was in my head. But I think I know why. I’m helping someone who is actively drinking these days and I kind of feel how he is feeling and the cycle he’s in. Maybe it’s this.
But anyways, when I got sober I was afraid of those thoughts/images because it would mean that I was going to drinking because I couldn’t resist the temptation. I think it’s like the pre-visialization before action, so I made some arrangements to make sure I don’t. Being open here was one of them. I’m going to take it easy this weekend with my girl and remember myself what I’ve been telling me at the beggening : thinking of something doesn’t mean it is happening or that it’s going to happen. It’s just a thought, so I can let it pass and use it as a reminder, a reminder that I have to stay focus on my values, goals, principles.
Thanks for checking up on me , much needed to talk about this this week. Hope you have a nice week end !
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Nice, exactly this!
Get some flavoured sparkling water or soda. When you get these images pour a glass of one.
I found it helped to adjust the mind to the new way of thinking.
I also realised that hydration is really important and that when I started thinking of drinking it was because my body was telling me to fetch my go-to drink, beer.
Drinking water helped this to go away so bringing in the Thirsty of HALT.
Often we don’t actually realise what our body’s are trying to tell us.
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