Well done Joy
Hi Talking Sober Family
Its been a while since checking in. Been an interesting year…been continously working on my recovery yet not able to remain completely sober which is my goal and I know the only way for me. On Day 6 today clean off alcohol and drugs. Feeling better already. Proud of myself first sober weekend in a while. Good day all…1 day at a time. Blessings.
Not sharing much lately, struggling with my self esteem. but this I need to share. I feel so scared starting since a few days that I will not be able to stay sober / keep sobriety and that I will die because of it (not instantly but… you know) Because on the other hand I am struggling with enormous physical pain, insomnia and guess a big depression behind all this. that my mind tries to convince that giving up on life and just drink a bit to feel at least a bit happy and with self esteem a moment a week or so. This mind game is screwing me over on a whole new level and I get scared. Feels like a whole new understanding of being powerless and scared has to open up to me and not sure whether I dare to let myself fall. because falling I will when I stop holding on. I work so hard every day with breathwork, meditation, walking, cold showers, meetings and to find a place in me that has self love enough to get me through. And I guess the realisation that I find nothing there behind all the hatefull self talk scares the shit out of me. How can I learn myself to feel the things I never learned growing up? Not sure if it helps putting it out here, but I need to do something. thank you for listening.
Hey thanks! That is an interesting read. I guess I haven’t really thought about much behind the triggers or want I’m trying to numb as I’ve been trying to get ahold of the urge itself to control that part so I can have room to breath and evaluate the rest behind it. But maybe that’s the wrong avenue as nothing has really changed.
I know my old friends who I partied with are the ones with covid and tho I haven’t seen them or talked to any of them but one to let them know I was dropping off goodies since they were sick, is most definitely a trigger. They cause me a lot of memories of the past and maybe that didn’t help giving them stiff but I’m a very kind generous person who enjoys taking care of others as long as it’s healthy for my own self as well. Now thinking maybe that wasn’t good…lol
As for anything else… I’d say being cooped up all the days and not having any sober friends is truly a struggle. I’m very outgoing and extroverted so being home everyday, all day, is alone taking a toll on my soul. However trying to make the best of that.
I did comment on the “weight loss” thread about what my gf and I have been dealing with and maybe I’m just tired/drained emotionally which is making me have urges.
Day 22
Holy relapse dreams, Batman!
They’re here and I slept awful but find comfort in coffee and the fact that it’s another sign of emotional healing.
In this one I blacked out and woke up covered in the worst tattoos possible.
Last time I was sober for a year this was a common theme in my dreams. Definitely fears of irreparable damage from drinking are surfacing in the subconscious.
Checking into day 7 feeling alittle calmer today, still taken it gentle and steady, I was doing na but I’m not ready to go back not BC of shame I know them all well but BC I’m not sure if it’s the route I want to take as I’m aware of lots of other ways but Im not making no rash descion yet I’m just thinking about it. X
Hey Maria.
I have tried to give up just using willpower, but found it impossible. It just wears you down in the end. The crafty little voice in your head finds a way eventually - at least in my experience.
This time I am reading a lot and trying to change my mindset and it is really helping. It feels a lot easier this time.
Do you think that could help?
Day 385. Waking up say my gratitudes. Since I have gotten this tattoo I have alot of relapse dreams not sure what it could mean but it always leads to me saying I knew I shouldn’t of got this tattoo in my dream lol, but I’m still happy with it. Got some much needed chores done around the house yesterday staying after work today to do some bicep and shoulder work. Hope you all have a great day
that absolutely can, and does, I am here every day and on days like this all day. you are right about the willpower not working. In the past when I was sober for years, it had nothing to do with will power I made the desicion out of longing for a different life (health) and that was it. This time around every time when in shadow work or meditation I come upon the core of my past trauma and the feelings behind it I instantly like bounce back and my head takes over, and then you are lost in the sneaky talk of the brain. Maybe the way is to learn to trust that some kind of self love or acceptance will come, but not by my doing but my HP’s? Accepting the being powerless in that department? does that make any sense? thank you
Have you tried reading outside of here? ‘Quit lit’ as some people call it. I didn’t know it existed until about six weeks ago, but it has completely changed my experience this time.
I also listen to a lot of podcasts. Could they help?
Congrats on the tripple digits sir
This one made an impact on me. Could maybe do the same for you.
Yes, sure did in the past, as I am a nerd I read tons of books ;). have trouble reading at the moment due to a neurological condition and to much worrying I can not focus, but what was the ‘best’ one for you?
I was actually now going through some recovery dharma pod casts
Hey Maria. I had a really hard time with negative self talk…worrying, anxiety, low self esteem. I was seriously so against taking any medicine…but I kept getting worse and worse and no matter how much I prayed or ask for help it would get worse. But I fell even deeper into a depression and would sleep for days and days and not go to work. Finally I said ok I’ll try some medicine, they gave me laxepro and straterra for my ADHD. None of these are controlled substances and seriously pulled me out of the funk, I don’t hate my self anymore, I can talk to ppl better and feel confident and I love myself again.
Checking in at the end of day 50.
50 full days, including 7 full weekends. Incredible. It has taken ages to get here, but I’m loving the view.
Found out that a couple of close friends, who I have drank a lot with in the past and who drink every single day, are 7 days sober today. We had a chat about how great sobriety is about 10 days ago and they have bought in. I think that I feel about as happy about that as I do about my half century.
Have got a lot on in work but I am really enjoying it and hungry to get it done instead of avoiding it and just getting out of my head.
Life is so much better now.
Have a great sober day, wherever you are.
Goodnight. 
Checking in. 50 days no alcohol, no cigarettes. Kind of unbelievable. But here I am!
Have a great Monday everyone!
Quick check in on day 253…super busy at the moment but I’ll catch up with everyone else’s posts later today. Have a great one everybody.