Thank you so much 
@pinkcloud hope your lip heals and that nerve feeling goes away soon 
@icebear congrats on 90 days 
@Olivia sending strength 
@anon53116147 that must be really hard to hear, bullies can f**k right off, their effects can hurt so deep, give your girl the tightest hug and tell her how amazing she is
@WCan great post, thanks for sharing, really happy for you 
395 days no alcohol.
363 days no cocaine.
1 day no disordered eating.
When I try to talk to people about what those guys said about me in the changing room, Iām always met with ājust ignore themā. If only it was that simpleā¦
It took me seven years to walk back into a gym, after leaving when I first started gaining weight with my eating disorder back in 2014. Seven years. I was terrified of people judging me for my increasing size and ridiculing me from the sidelines. During those seven years I left my home less and less, as my ED progressed to the point where I am currently morbidly obese and have been since 2017. But, I finally went back, to a new gym, after doing well during ED therapy and eating real food again. Admittedly, part of my motivation for going was weight management, born from my fear of gaining weight from eating real food again, but a bigger part was for my mental health, which has been my reason for wanting to go for the past seven years, but fear stopped me. During these past seven years, countless people have told me āno one will care what you look likeā āpeople are too focused on themselves to care about youā āthey arenāt thinking negatively about you, they will probably be thinking āgood for him for doing something about itāā¦ā I was really enjoying exercising again, my soul felt happy when I was there, I felt a huge benefit to my mental health. So for those guys to say what they said, when I say it has deeply affected me, I mean my worst fears came true , and I couldnāt have been in a more vulnerable state when they said it, being half naked with my trans body, in a changing room full of men, who I am terrified of enough already in a PTSD way for reasons I wonāt go into. I literally feel like I will never be able to go back, I died inside and have felt so vulnerable and helpless ever since, itās been a month now. My ED therapy had already come to an end at this point, and this event has made my ED escalate in a massive way, to the point it is making me physically ill. If I didnāt already feel a raging hatred towards myself and my body, I sure do now. I really donāt know what to do. My meds make it impossible to cry but thatās all I feel like doing. I also feel angry, angry at how people feel that they can say such cruel things and how little regard they have towards people who are quite clearly struggling/suffering. I made so much progress during my 8 weeks of therapy, but this incident has rendered it all null and void. I am broken and I donāt know how to even begin to heal. I want to revert back to meal replacements only, to try to lose a drastic amount of weight as quickly as possible, but I know thatās not the right thing to do, but itās the only solution my brain is giving me.
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Still hanging in? 
Check inā¦ Letās start talking.
Last days just were shitty, the mind needs the work, the body deserts and hurts. Itās a thing I just now see that I might have to consider it will need to set a place in my life and way of living. Confronting but still I hope on next operation, and that the insurance things will work out couse I canāt bare the believe living like this for whatās left of my years to come.
Two days ago a runner just threw a couple of grams in my boxā¦ I should have thrown it away, and I believe I was even in the process when I thought that money wise it could be a quick 75ā¬ and drop it cheap to whoeverā¦ But then I had to make moved around people I donāt accept in my life no more.
My head got overloaded but the storm past over. September is officially my relapse monthā¦ All of them. My momās day of death, my fatherās no more birthday, though I never saw his grave it still triggers a lot , that I know the hard way now.
IRS is killing me financially and emotionally it has been like standing on 7 crossings, 14 choices and not a clue where wich choice goes ā¦
Thanks for the people who were there, ā¦ Who fits the shoe
Lots of writing helped also.
Just wanted to open up a bit by this post, guess that is a good thing
Bless yaāll
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Keeping busyā¦chores and chores. 
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DOUBLE DIGITS YāALL!!! 10 days today.(many attempts Iām hitting reset at day 5 or 6ā¦like 100s of times) Last night I started my therapy, Iāll go every other week, I really like her, the hour flew by. But today Iām totally drained, and just powering through the workday. Tonight Iām getting my son and my exās two dogs for the weekend while heās out of town and the boy has a soccer tournament this weekend. A 9 am and 8 am start, definitely a great reason to stay sober. It does feel different this time and I think having the support and telling my drinking buddies that Iām not just ātryingā Iām committed to this. I feel good, Iām tired and cranky and eating SO MUCHā¦but I feel good. I also signed up for a Veterans day weighted step up challenge, so a goal to get moving everyday. Tomorrow is Friday and I am so ready!
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Tyler, Iām really sorry to read what happened and how you feel!
That whole stuff was about them, not about you.
What about going through the steps of your ED therapy, so that you can re-use the tools and methods youāve learnt there? Or trying a new gym so you can be in a different environment? Or exercise some other way? Trying thai chi with non-judgmental people in the nature? Or watching self-care youtube-videos/ted-talks/listening to podcasts? Do you see a therapist apart from the ED?
Think in small steps. Forget about that particular place for now and focus on the things you can do to feel better.
Drop me a line if you need to talk anytime!
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Congrats on your ten days Andi. Keep up the good work. Weāre always here if you need us. We got your back.
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1129 days alcohol free
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So lets make this September stay clean month Joost. Talk about your triggers (like you are doing now) instead of giving in to them. Sorry for the Belastingdienst and the dealer shite. Hang in there.
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Nothing pisses me off more than kids bullying. I just had my 6 yo watch this video https://youtu.be/kz1xzBYppW8
And had a discussion with him about how it made him feel and what he should do if he encountered people bullying or being bullied. I fully intend on him training in self defense so he can handle himself should the need arise.
Iām glad your still fighting the good fight.
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For real, Iāve been thinking about it all day. Iām going to wait right next to the bus today and when she gets off if she says it happened again Iām talking to the bus driver. Thanks man, I did a quick 3 Miles on the exercise bike, I was sweating my ass off. Crazy I use to bike 20 to 30 miles daily and 3 Miles killed me.
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I had worse ! Just a glance in the past makes me reset my head and go aheadā¦ Difficult, yes. But itās the only road ahead.
Thnx gap
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Aww you are such a sweet dad! I know when they hurt we hurt too. 
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We both seem to have the same days! Not sure of your time zone but Im in Australiaā¦11 days for me tonight at 8.30pm!
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Checking in to remain sober today, Friday! Going to sit in the sun for a couple of hours, listen to music, read a book, clean my house and sort through my daughters craft boxes (like a tonne of paper in there), make a fish soup, do some squats and lunges, and may have a date! Bed early though. Have had insomnia for a few nights now as my brain feels flooded with energy, probably trying to rebalance since having the massive downer day on Monday when I cried allllll day 
Love you all and hope you all make another day sober living! 
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Aw, Tyler. My heart breaks reading this. I really wish that didnāt happen!! Man, we were all rooting for you with the swimming. Is there another pool you could try with better people??
I think you should know something: You are 1000x more attractive than those guys who said that to you!!! They are ugly people. Outside appearance isnāt everything, itās whatās inside that counts. Thatās for sure. Hmmā¦ sending you all my love and support. 
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Day 4: going to my first AA meeting tonight.
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Day 137.
6.27am.
I finally had a better nights sleep last night. Only woke up once. Not hot and cold sweats. No body pain etc. I woke up at my regular 6am feeling good thank gosh.
Its made me realize the last few days that I truly cherish my soberity. It allows me to keep the solid morning routine that I swear by that is the foundation of my great consistent days.
Being able to rise at sunrise every morning because Iām clean and sober allows me the precious hours in the morning whilst all is still and quiet, to calmly prime myself for my successful day.
Being bed ridden and not well these past few days reminded me of when I was on days 1 , 2 and 3 of getting clean. Flat, no energy, tired, drained etcā¦ And it reminded me that this is part of why I stay clean, so I can have a brilliant , functioning, productive , successful life.
Happy
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Hey Tyler,
my heart breaks for you and my blood boils towards those guys saying nasty things. I donāt have an ED, but Iāve had my share of bullying for an sorts of reasons and Iām quite obese too.
I understand that you feel all the progress you had made was undone. I want to believe itās only temporarily. Your progress is still yours.
Itās amazing how people donāt get that an overweight person knows theyāre heavy. Yes, itās actually my reflection I see in the mirror every fucking day but some people see it as their ādutyā to point it out.
Iām so sorry that happened to you at such a crucial moment. Some people are like sharks, you know. When someoneās bleeding they smell it and attack. You are not weak, you have a soft heart. Itās not a bad thing, it just needs to be protected
What those guys said tells nothing about you and speaks volumes of their character. I know itās not easy, but Iāve come to realise that why the fuck should I care what some strangers think about me? Whose opinion should matter? My loved onesā? My own? My own
I think you are brave for sharing your journey and struggles with us. Body image issues arenāt easy and big people can get a lot of shit. You are inspiring!!! I hope you can get past this and move towards your goals.
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Dally check in ok day so far. Still clean but thereās always inner fight with yourself to go back to your old ways but I wonāt go back to that Iām going to win the battle
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