Good afternoon
Doing an early check-in
23 days no cigarettes
Lazy day watching football I hope you are all well.
Keep it up
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- Checking in again because I have to share the drop off of the kids from my brother. They had them 24hrs His words. Brother (F) Patty? What is wrong with you?!?!? Me: What do you mean? Brother: How and the hell do you do itā¦Iām going to die! (It was him and his wife with my 4 nieces and nephew) Me: Oh, that!!! At this point Iām laughing. I said idk I just do it.
I donāt ask for anything unless Iām truly struggling. I was asked to keep these kids by my little sister who has severe PPD and bipolar. These kids did not ask to be here nor did they ask for a Mom that wasnāt capable of taking care of them. Iām only doing what my heart tells me to do and that is to LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY every single one of them no matter how hard it can be or how tired or sick I get. Idk, it was funny he had himself and his wife with their one child doing what I do everyday and he his words just made me laugh. No, not everyone can handle it but for some reason the Creator has made me into the person I am and hands me these tasks and each time shows me what I am actually capable of. I am strong but not because I choose to be itās because itās my only choice. I fight every day to stay sober for my kids and family.
Today, is also my husbands Birthday. Weāre heading to the store to get tacos stuff for dinner because that was his favorite. My other Brother (B) said Patty itās Jeremyās Birthday today and I said yes! He said and look at you out here doing life. I miss him terribly and today I have to be extra strong because my kids struggle and miss their Dad more then ever. Please hug your loved ones tight. Life changes in the blink of an eye. Be kind you never know what other are going through. Do not be hard on yourself weāre our own worst critic. You are all amazing fight the good fight! Everyday is a accomplishment regardless of what anyone else thinks or says!
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Wow Patty. Iām moved and speechless. Your sobriety radiates into all these childrenās lives. I hope your sister could pick herself up, get help and be involved. She must suffer too.
Big hugs coming your way! Iām glad you got that long nap and a coffee!
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I really donāt want to go to work today. My heart just isnāt in it. I have no desire to work in this industry anymore. Iām burnt out from a system that feels like a revolving door of madness. I sit looking at a screen all day, in an uncomfortable chair, wishing I was anywhere but there.
Iām pretty sure my supervisor can feel Iām not into it.
Helping homeless people is such an āadmirableā job but I want something more fulfilling, creative, fun, adventurous, exciting. I donāt want this realm anymore.
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17 days, where the hell have I been hiding, Iām really happy and proud for you.
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Strange how we are never satisfied with what we have, helping homeless people is exactly what I would love to do. By the way you are being creative, Your creating hope. I used to be homeless so I would like to thank you for all your time, effort and patience. You have a good soul.
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Some people are born givers, and considered ālighter workersā or āearth angelsā. I believe 100% that it is a gift not everyone posesses, and thatās why others become overwhelmed in a situation you can find serenity in. Youāre special, itās your super power. 
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Finished my steps today, Iām an officially qualified alcoholic. Never been so proud of being an insecure, hopeless case with no faith in myself or others, frightened of getting out of bed every morning for the fear of 100 things that Iāve decided are going to go wrong. Seriously though Iām nearly 13 months sober, worked the program and have sponsees who rely on my stability and my mind still thinks it would be a good thing to have a drink,This is why this alcoholic takes it one day at a time doing the same simple things and waking up grateful the next morning that the miracle happened again.
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Thank you.
Itās just Iāve been in this industry for years. Child protection, disabilities, youth, homelessness, etc.
I burnout a year ago and have started back into it all again and all I want to do is take care of myself and do something different but canāt figure out what.
I want to work my own hours and my own systems.
These complicated, data counting systems and economically driven, funded jobs are just not calling me anymore.
I want something else. 
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Doing ok depression is really trying to break me today Iām fighting it because I am happy itās just the depression trying get me down and people trying to break me down
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34 years Iāve been a chef, 2 months ago I became a carer. Fear is what holds us back from change. Have faith not fear, also have curiosity, instead of thinking about what could go wrong think 'I wonder what will happen if I try this.
Donāt die with your music inside you.
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Made it through a weekend getaway to Muskegon with the girls for a bridal shower, and did not have a single drop of alcohol! Feeling pretty proud right now. 
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Checking in sober and glad to have done this day sans alcohol. This would have been an opportune time and I didnāt have any cravings for that nasty poison at a all thankfully. Enjoyed some time with my mom and a lot of football watching with my son. Got a bit of chores and cleaning out / yard work done too. Iām proud to be present at home and not thinking about how, when and how many beers or glasses or wine to have somehow fooling myself into thinking it goes unnoticed. I am glad to have another 24 hours of true living and not in a glassy eyed haze. Hoping for another day tomorrow.
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Checking in day 3. Today I ended up being super tired and just sleeping all day. It was raining and crappy which puts me in a salty mood. So Iām disappointed in myself a little bc I did miss my meeting with my sponsor. Iāll try again tomorrow there will be another meeting. Kind of pumped bc Iāve finally poster my tattoo on fb and actually got some really good feed back and several ppl message me for tattoos. Anyways sitting here now going to draw and watch some inking videos on YouTube, much love
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Day 77: going to bed early after a good, simple, sober weekendā¦
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Checking in Day 74. Went to an in-person NA meeting tonight, found out my old sponsor died in March, I never knew because I had abandoned the program and stopped returning her calls. Boy, do I feel like a piece of crap just one more person Iāve let down.
Well, will talk to her in Heaven and let her know I am sorry.
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700 Days: Itās funny, but at 700 days (almost) sober, the thoughts of drinking are stronger now then they have ever been. Iām truly surviving one day at a time right now.
Iām so thankful that I do count my days. Itās moments like these that being accountable to that daily number really keeps me going.
I also know me, I relapsed before after 18 months of sobriety and went on to drink every day for another 2 1/2 years. I have to keep reminding myself of how I felt back then and how bad my life was.
This breakup has been hard, leaves me feeling lost, but I know itās what needs to happen. My ex wanted to get together to talk last Friday, I went, I owed her that, and itās exactly what I thought it would be.
She wanted to get back together and act like nothing had happened. When I pushed back a little and wanted to talk about some of our issues, she got angry, like she always does, and I knew it was over. I got out of her car, walked to my truck and drove home. It was good closure, but doesnāt make it easier.
Had my kids all weekend and had my mom over to my house Saturday night, so that was good. They went to their moms today and being by myself is hard. Sitting with these emotions is hard. Iād love to erase them, but I donāt want to reset my timer, I donāt want to be that drunk again, still the thoughts are there.
But Iām going to bed sober, 700 days strong and will wake up and take on 1 more day.
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Day 3. Beginning to wonder whether Iāll ever be āfreeā and āhappyā, or if thatās just an illusive dream Iāll realistically die chasingā¦ Iām broken in many ways, and nobodyās really there when it comes down to it. I either have it in me to prove my worth or not - and Iām affraidā¦ Not sure what to do or say tbh. I feel shit, the only reason Iād relapse would be out of despair. Iām an aimlessly adrift ghost. I feel betrayed, alone, lost, demotivated. Why the self-sabotage despite such glowing potential? What to do, why isnāt psychological support as available as it should be?! Maybe Iām just going through a rough time and looking for some loveā¦ Thanks for reading. 
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